Anything that starts with ‘new’ smacks of change. While some children thrive when change is afoot, others start the ‘What if…’ scenario-building exercise that usually becomes a one-way path to wailing and gnashing of teeth – for everyone!

• What if I’m not with any of my friends in my new class?
• What if a stick out as the ‘new kid’?
• What if everyone finds someone to hang out with but me?
• What if my old friends don’t like me anymore?

Reassure as you might, stroking that little furrowed brow as it leans against your shoulder, sometimes doesn’t make the ‘What-iffing’ any less harrowing, and the closer day 1 to starting the ‘new’ gets, the more those wheels spin.

So, what’s to be done when you run out of platitudes and possibly patience? Here are three techniques that we know work:

Normalise and re-write the worry-script

When those little – or big – spikes of worry work their way into the moments leading up to the beginning of something new, it’s a good idea to think about how you normalise it. Feeling like you’re alone, navigating the turbulent seas of first day worries, is a lonely place to be. Children, in their minds eye, are running movie reels of what the experience might be like, and if they’re worrying about not making a friend or having a friend, that’s the picture you have to interrupt and reassemble.

So, normalise that – tell your child how lots of children feel a little bit of worry going back to school or starting somewhere new. Try and use words to paint a positive and hopeful picture for them to run in their mind’s eye. Sit together and close your eyes and create the movie reel of lots of children getting into school, and notice how they all seem to be a little bit excited and a little bit nervous all at the same time. Keep building the scenario in which your child can see themselves, calm and confident and quickly meeting someone that they can talk to.

Re-writing the script for the ‘mind-movie’ that children are playing (often on repeat, with each version getting a little bit worse) is a powerful way to normalise those nerves and to create a new picture of hope and positive expectation.

Teach ANT stamping

Automatic Negative Thoughts – ANTs. Wherever worries hang out, there are ANTs to be found. Creepy, crawly little things, any opportunity to imagine the worst gets those ANTs crawling faster and faster. So, a bit of ANT stamping is good to teach. Let’s look at ANT stamping using the examples above:

• What if I’m not with any of my friends in my new class?

Has this happened before? Could you hang out at recess and lunch? Have you made new friends before? Is this an opportunity to meet new friends?

• What if a stick out as the ‘new kid’?

What else have you done where you were the new kid? Was that OK? How long will sticking out last? Can you survive that long? Are there opportunities to be had in being the new kid?

• What if everyone finds someone to hang out with but me?

Has this ever happened before? Have you got into a group or made a new friend before? Could you ask an adult to help?

• What if my old friends don’t like me anymore?

Has this happened before? What would have happened to make this even a possibility? Have you had holidays before and then gone back to hang out with your old friends? Is this time any different?

There’s lot of power in helping a child to recognise when the ANTs are creeping in and to take positive actions towards stamping them out. It helps to settle those ‘what if’s’ right down.

The power of role play

Having a little practise of a skill before it’s needed is something everyone benefits from. Hard conversation with the boss coming up? Had a practise of responding to what you think might come up ahead of time? Yes? Well, join the crowd of people who all use this skill to prime themselves.

Role playing is something that not many adults get a kick out of, but children love it! So, role play starting up a conversation. Include a smile (an essential ingredient), a confident body shape (shoulders back, chin up) and a good conversation opener:

• I’ve got the same backpack as you.
• Have we all got assembly first?
• Has Miss Taylor been your teacher before?
• My sister has those shoes too.

Basically, anything that invites someone into an interaction is a great conversation starter. Try and role play a few of these with your child so that when they skip into school, they just roll off the tongue.

Part of life’s learning

Coping with the butterflies in the tummy ahead of launching into something new is normal. Whether it’s going back to work after some time off or starting out in the new school year. Learning to cope with, and get through, the very normal associated nerves is building capacity to cope with change that happens often in life. While your child might be tied up in knots about the ‘new’ that’s just around the corner, it’s OK to do just enough to help them cope, to lay down some coping skills and then to experience the event and learn from it.

You might like to take a look at our wonderfully warm, award winning little Guides for Kids and Parents that explore, and give practical strategies for making friends and for managing feelings.