A NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS, CLAIRE AND HELEN

You are about to launch yourself into the BEST – yep, that’s right, the BEST Notebook 4 Parents about the tricky issue of friends, friendships and flare ups. We know that your Toolbox is going to be bursting with fabulous strategies to help your child have wonderful skills to deal successfully with the ups and downs of friendships.

From Claire: I am the very proud Mum of 4 growing boys. They’re very normal sorts of boys – good sometimes and not-so-good other times. I love being part of my boy’s lives as they learn about friends and friendships – and I love to help other children and their families too. Having friends and being friends is something we all want and need our whole lives. So, to my sensational boys and all the children I have helped along the way – thank you for teaching me SO much that has enabled me to write this book and share all this goodness with kids and parents.

From Helen: I’ve been interested in what makes kids happy – and unhappy - for as long as I can remember. So it’s fabulous to be involved in writing books that help both kids and parents to find practical solutions to everyday stuff that crops up in kid’s lives. It also develops a bunch of good skills – that will help see them along the journey of their life. Most of what I’ve learned has come from the many, many thousands of families who have generously invited me into their lives for some help, from my 2 adult children who fill me with joy, and my beautiful mother, Ronnie, who just ‘knew’ about children. Tons of Gratitude to each and every one of you – has been sent your way.

Find out more about us here: www.bestprograms4kids.com

Parents’ Notebook: The BEST Playground Toolbox 4 Fixing Friendships

First Edition July 2015

© Copyright 2015 BEST Programs 4 Kids (All rights reserved)

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means: electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the authors.

The authors cannot be held responsible for any mishap, injury or damage incurred during the use of or as a result of the information in this book.

Illustrations: Kidzmix©
Image Preparation: Steven Orange
Authors & Design: Claire Orange & Helen Davidson

Published by BEST Programs 4 Kids Pty Ltd

ISBN: 978-0-9943546-5-5

Website: www.bestprograms4kids.com
Email: info@bestprograms4kids.com

CONTENTS

Introduction

CHAPTER 1 - The GUTTS

Solutions for What?

The Playground Toolbox

Core Concepts and Language

The Symbols

CHAPTER 2 - Six Methods of Skill Building

Role Play: to be ‘Really Practised’

Discussion

Buzz words, sayings

Journal

Imagery

Reward and Celebrate

CHAPTER 3 - Friendships and Friendliness

The Importance of Friendships

Friendliness: It’s a Skill

The Friendliness SPICE

Getting Real About Friendships

Boys & Girls: They’re Different!

CHAPTER 4 - Joining In and Refusals

Joining In Games

Play Refusals: They Happen

Normal, Nasty and Very Nasty

The Triple A’s 4 Refusals

CHAPTER 5 - Friendship Flare Ups

Understanding Flare Ups

Dealing With Flare Ups

The triple a’s 4 flare ups

Gender Differences

CHAPTER 6 - The Online Playground

Nettiquette

Common Online Friendship Events

Dealing with These Events

One last thought

Helpful References

INTRODUCTION

We warmly welcome you to this wonderful book on children’s friendships and friendship issues. As parents ourselves, we get that parenting is rewarding and hard work in equal measures. We’ve had those moments where we’ve searched for “The Manual” that should have come with this complicated creature we’re parenting, and said, “I wish someone would just tell me what to do!” This Notebook, and the others in the series are based on thousands of hours of clinical experience, proven methods and surprisingly simple solutions for parents and kids. This is “The Manual” for primary school aged children and teaches ‘Smart Life Skills 4 Kids.’ We know that as your child understands and masters the skills in this Notebook, that friends and friendships WILL make much more sense. And your child will have a Toolbox full to the top with TOOLS to best equip them for life in the Playground.

This Notebook is full of GUTTS – now you didn’t expect that did you? Polite sounding – No; essential – Yes – especially when it represents Great, Useful, Tried (& Tested) Solutions – and you can even add on a ‘Y’ – Yeah! and make it ‘GUTTSY.’ Because we know that GUTTSY answers are what parents want for the common bumps and hazards that crop up for all kids.

And friendship making is not exempt from having bumps and hazards – no surprises there. “Who did you play with today?” “What games did you play at lunchtime?” “Was she nicer to you today?” “Are you back playing footy?” These are questions that tumble out of most parents’ mouths regularly – even when the response gives only a fraction of the details you want….

Similarly, “She’s not my best friend anymore”, “He’s really mean”, “I wish I had more friends”, “I didn’t get invited to her party”, “They won’t let me play” can frequently tumble out of kid’s mouths. So what’s a parent meant to do? Leave them to figure it out on their own, call the other child’s parents, see the teacher, or just hope…again… that tomorrow will be a better day?

We’ve all been there. What you need at your fingertips are some specific, sensible and effective strategies that will build your child’s skills to deal with what we call ‘FOPL’s’ – ‘Facts of Playground Life’. There’s no way around it. They’re Must Have Skills, because you want your child to be a resilient playground participant who’s growing wiser every day…and they can be.

We trust that you will love this practical little Notebook as much as we do, and that friends, friendships and friendship flare ups will become much, much easier to understand and deal with.

Helen and Claire

CHAPTER 1

THE GUTTS

Great, Useful, Tried (& Tested) Solutions

Solutions for What?

The Playground Toolbox

Core Concepts and Language

Symbols

THE GUTTS

Fantastic that you’re not skipping these first few pages. Even if you have read others in The Toolbox series, Chapter 1 in each of them gives details specific to that particular book.

We know it’s tempting to just ‘get into’ the nuts and bolts that deal with the difficulties you want to solve, but reading this section really WILL help you get the most out of this book.

Chapter 2: Six Ways to Build Skills is the same in each book, so if you’ve read it once, you can probably skip this – unless you’re up for a refresher. These six methods are ‘hands on’ learning for kids – which ensures that they can put the skill into action, as opposed to just being able to give a good description of it. They also are fun and interesting – essential companions for taking a skill on board and remembering it.

SOLUTIONS FOR WHAT?

So…solutions…For what? What specifically in the world of children’s friendships?

Well, we don’t need to tell you, that there are a number of things that crop up.

- First it’s actually having the skills to make friends.

- Choosing wisely.

- Knowing how to actually be friendly.

- Knowing how to get into games.

- Handling conflict when it rears its head.

- Being able to stick up for yourself in a way that’s assertive rather than aggressive.

- Understanding the different dynamics between girls and boy’s friendships – which can be confusing, and frustrating - for parents who are trying to make sense of what actually is happening.

- Knowing how to deal with the inevitable refusals that crop up for all kids.

So, a LOT – and you’ll be excited to know that every single one of those issues is what this book is about.

THE PLAYGROUND TOOLBOX

Toolboxes are handy things: everything sitting there ready to do its job - hopefully, in good working order and easy to find. Even if not, it’s reassuring to know that ‘somewhere here’ you’ve got the TOOL that will unlock the answers to get things working again.

This Playground Toolbox is one that helps kids to figure out: 1) what is happening in their peer world 2) gain some understanding of it and 3) have some ways to respond that will make things work better.

The playground is rich with learning experiences – some would say as many as in the classroom. We once heard a worldwide expert on this area say that “Primary school is a little bit about learning to read and write, and a lot about learning how to get on with others and be part of a community.” Perhaps you agree.

In general, the playground is certainly an area of school where kids seem to get into the most strife. It’s unstructured - sometimes ‘lawless’ - and there’s minimal adult supervision.

There are some rules – but not as many as in the classroom. For many children this freedom doesn’t provide the boundaries they need to manage their emotions, rein in their impulsivity, make good choices - and generally to behave in ways that more structured circumstances seem to make easier for them.

That’s one of the reasons that children need TOOLS – skills – to respond to the many different variables with which they’re dealing. And unlike reading and writing, they aren’t skills in which you necessarily receive instruction. There’s a presumption they will be learned through experience – which certainly most eventually do. However, it’s not assured that they will necessarily be the skills that will have the best emotional or social outcomes for the child, and the time frame required can sorely test everyone.

Really, we’re talking about ‘people skills’ – negotiating the many, many situations that come up in every day interactions, and dealing with them in a way that doesn’t lead to distress, danger or poor outcomes – for anyone. A good question, therefore, is: so why shouldn’t kids get the chance to have a mini course in some of the tried and tested ways to successfully handle these? Exactly!

We think they should – and that’s why we’ve written this book –and possibly, why you’re reading it.

The Playground Toolbox TOOLS you will be learning about are all practical, effective, emotionally and psychologically healthy, involve no physical risk and have been validated by many, many thousands of children – and their parents.

We’re excited to have you on board.

CORE CONCEPTS AND LANGUAGE

Common terms that represent the core concepts of social and emotional skills are used throughout all of The Toolbox series.

The social skills in The Toolbox series are divided into 2 categories: ‘pro-active’ and ‘reactive’.

Pro-active skills – essentially the focus of this book - are those which involve the child taking the initiative to approach others, to make the connection – like being friendly or asking to join in games.

Reactive social skills – are those required to deal with the more confrontational situations - like being excluded, bullied, maliciously teased, or in some way treated in an undeserving way. These skills are dealt with in this book and are also the focus of The Playground Toolbox 4 Beating Bullying & Teasing.

Inside-TOOLS and Outside-TOOLS

We teach children that every single one of us has two groups of TOOLS to help us manage our lives. They’re called very simply, ‘Inside’ and ‘Outside’ TOOLS.

Inside-TOOLS:

In each of the Kids’ Notebooks we talk about ‘Inside-TOOLS’ and ‘Outside-TOOLS.’ The Inside-TOOLS are the ones to do with emotional self-management:

1. Managing your thinking

2. Calming down

3. Ignoring

The Outside-TOOLS are those that are generally ‘on show’ to others – the ‘what you do’ and the ‘what you say’ in a given situation.

Your child is the owner of their Inside-TOOLS – they’re the Chief Executive Officer. These TOOLS are unseen, they make no noise and cause no fuss. And that ‘Executive’ isn’t just a quip: these skills form part of what is often also referred to as a child’s ‘Executive Functioning’. Their hub is located in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain – the area inside of and behind your forehead. Executive Functioning is a process of the maturing, rational brain – where your child learns to self-soothe and talk themselves out of their immediate irrational, emotional reactions. This area is covered in more detail in both The Classroom Toolbox 4 Always Getting Things Done and The Emotional Toolbox 4 Managing Me.

Inside-TOOLS – especially for children - are not widely advertised, in fact, they’re rarely given any airplay. The awareness that a child is capable of working on their emotions and their behaviour ‘from the inside out’ – and that this can be taught – is unknown to many adults.

In fact, if you asked most adults, “So how do you manage feelings of worry – from ‘the inside?’” - you would more than likely draw a blank. Most people would opt for explanations about their exercise routines, ‘comfort’ food and hobbies – all of which are good examples of Outside-TOOLS.

Try asking your child the same question: “What would do you do at school if you were in trouble for something you didn’t do – but no-one was listening to your explanation? You were angry and upset and you had to deal with those feelings by yourself?

A tough situation for a child to emotionally manage – but certainly not an uncommon one.

1. The Inside-Tool of Managing Your Thinking

The top Inside-TOOL is to be aware of your thinking. That means recognising the ‘self-talk’ - the internal dialogue - which we all have with ourselves. It is our running life commentary, unknown and unseen by others.

Your interpretation of what’s occurring around you and the conversation that you have with yourself about that, makes a big difference to your emotional response. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.”

Your child will be reading about ‘Stinkin Thinkin’ and its close relative, ‘Supa Thinkin’ – although ‘close’ only in name. These thinking styles represent the opposite ends of the spectrum:

- Stinkin Thinkin is pessimistic, fearing the worst.

- Supa Thinkin is optimistic and hopeful.

You’ve no doubt heard these two referred to as the ‘glass half-empty’ and the ‘glass half-full’ attitude. Which one do you think comes closer to describing your thinking style?

Opening up a child’s awareness to the power of their self-talk is hugely beneficial. It gives them one of the building blocks in the foundation of emotional awareness, and it’s also a TOOL for mood management.

Awareness of our self-talk is one of the drivers of emotional ‘self- regulation’. This is a term that is used to refer to our ability to:

- Manage our emotions.

- To tame emotions when they’re disruptive or unhelpful to a situation.

- To increase energy when motivation is required.

This is the ‘loop’ that describes the link between what you think about something, how that contributes to your feelings and mood - which is then the impetus for your behaviour. We call it ‘The Thinking, Feeling, Behaving Loop’.

Emotional self-regulation and mood management is a big topic, and there is much that a parent can do to help their child to develop good habits in this area, which is why it is the topic of another book in this series – The Emotional Toolbox 4 Managing Me.

In this book you’ll be hearing how children knowing about their Supa Thinkin and Stinkin Thinkin also helps in the area of friendships.

2. The Inside-TOOL of Calming Down

“Calm down!” “Hurry up!” Does this sound familiar? Yes, they’re two phrases that get quite a work-out in most families. They are at opposite ends of the self-regulation spectrum – one being taming feelings - and the other being turbo-charging them. Which one happens most in your home?

The ability to Calm Down is a top-drawer, high priority self- regulation skill – particularly in the excitable, impulsive and energetic world of children. And it’s not only for those positive emotional states, it also is the Hero of dealing with anger, jealousy and worry. It’s a foundational skill in Mental Hygiene – for children and adults.

Interesting isn’t it? There is lots and lots of emphasis on Dental Hygiene – special toothpaste for kids, toothbrushes that accommodate little hands, focused parental instruction, twice daily querying about whether ‘it’s’ been done, and even discipline threatened if it hasn’t. This is seen as one very important skill. And of course it is, we get it…Really!

Imagine though, if developing the Inside-TOOLS for emotional self-management – for Mental Hygiene – were given the same priority. If in every home, there was a twice daily check in about practising a skill – called ‘calming down’ – that actually lead to better emotional health? A skill that - as we now know through recent Neuroscience research - actually helped a child to develop brain wiring that was more adept at emotional self-management. Would your family be willing to take this up?

Do you think improved mood management by EVERYONE in the family would lead to more harmony? More joy? Love? It’s a no- brainer really isn’t it?

In fact, a commitment to teaching skills of emotional self- regulation to kids, could probably change the world. Really. Teaching the skill of Calming Down can be as simple as introducing your child to the concept of focused patterns of breathing. It sounds ridiculously simple, however, the physiological mechanism of taking a deep breath encourages more oxygen into the brain, into tight muscles and most of us do it sub-consciously in moments of high stress. “Breathe, just breathe” is something that parents the world over mutter under their breath a million times a day.

So teaching a child how to breathe to overcome emotional overload make simple sense. As with all the processes that we teach, we like to give children a simple series of steps to follow so that when they are in overwhelm they can just start process. This, obviously, is aided by practising these skills on a regular basis so they just become a TOOL that a child automatically reaches for . Here’s how we teach breathing to children – and if you would like to read more on this subject, there is a whole section in The Emotional Toolbox for Managing Me.

Step 1:
Be very quiet – no talking.
Step 2:
Focus your eyes on something – even a tiny speck on the wall.
Step 3:
Breathe in and blow out like you’re blowing a bubble. Careful –don’t pop it! Do this 3 times.
Step 4:
Use calm Supa Thinkin. ‘I’m OK. It’s not that bad. Calm down.’
Step 5:
Relax your neck, your shoulders, your arms, and your legs. Make them loose and floppy. REPEAT until you’re calm.

3. The Inside-TOOL of Ignoring

Ignoring is a popular response choice that parents and teachers suggest to kids the world over. “Just ignore it and it will go away” could be the most commonly said 8 word sentence in any language. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a child learning to tolerate something unpleasant, until such time as it resolves – we’re all for that sort of self-management.

In fact, being able to ignore an irritation or a distraction is one of the TOOLS we teach children, and we rate it highly: it’s up there – alongside teeth cleaning….Although we do suggest that leaving out that very popular - but often misleading little word ‘just’ – is a good idea whenever it precedes an invitation to learn a new skill.

That’s because ‘just’ is often connected with a sense of ease: ‘If he would only just do what he’s told’; ‘If she would just learn to have a go’. It’s one of those words that denies the energy, angst or plain old hard work that’s required to achieve whatever it is that you’re ‘just’ supposed to be doing or learning.

So ignoring is a very helpful TOOL that enables you to not react negatively to a situation – but it is certainly not the only TOOL – or even the best TOOL for many situations that a child encounters.

Ignoring can be taught as a mind-distraction technique. Humming a song in your head instead of listening to the chatter in class. Visualising last weekend when you went fishing with your Dad - as you walk past that kid - who always has something smart to say on the way out of school.

The thing is we tell kids to ignore, but we usually don’t teach them how to ignore. And it’s actually a sophisticated skill that needs teaching. Think about how you ignore the loud chatter in the car whilst trying to concentrate on the road. What do you do?

Outside-TOOLS

Outside TOOLS aren’t as mysterious as the Insiders – because they’re our behaviour and action – on display for all to see. But of course they’re connected to the Inside- TOOLS - they’re some of the pistons driving the engine.

Picture this: A father angrily stomping up to the umpire of his son’s football match, arms wildly waving, with a finger poised ready to poke a chest.

Hmmm. Good evidence that Dad’s Inside-TOOLS are out to lunch, his Stinkin Thinkin: ‘What a complete idiot; I’ll teach him not to wreck my son’s footy career...’ - is running the show, and adult reason is nowhere to be seen. Things could get very messy…possibly even nasty.

That father’s Outside-TOOLS probably are there…somewhere. They include the ability to:

- Have an assertive conversation – later - about what he believes was the umpire’s error.

- Share his frustration – rationally – with another parent standing close by.

Right at that moment though, you’d be hard pressed to think that the father had any Outside-TOOLS that he could swing into action. And it would be hard to bring them on board if his Inside- TOOLS hadn’t been given a piece of the action earlier. Yep, Supa Thinkin and calming down have missed the chance to put Dad on the path to a rational conversation.

What a fabulous skill to teach a child though – how to stay calm when under pressure - by using an Inside-TOOL, followed then by an Outside-TOOL. They can then both swing into action and result in successfully dealing with a difficult situation – without the emotional destruction of yourself or someone else. ‘Successful’ being measured by getting across your message clearly, powerfully and in a way that means it has some chance of being heeded rather than ignored.

In the Kids’ Notebook The Outside-TOOLS that your child will be learning about to deal with friendship issues are:

- The Friendliness SPICE package

- The Triple A’s 4 Refusals

- Ranking Friendship Flare Ups

- The Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups

- Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups

Make sense? They will – and also, they’ll make for emotionally healthy success. We’ll be looking at those skills in detail in Chapter 4.

THE SYMBOLS

Throughout both this book and the companion Kids’ Notebook, various symbols represent The Toolbox series key concepts and skills. You may have already seen some of these in this book – they tell you to look out for that skill in the section you’re reading. These are the symbols that are relevant to this book:

Stinkin Thinkin: Negative thinking; representing a negative mindset. Often described as the ‘glass half-empty’, pessimistic, fears the worst.

Supa Thinkin: Optimistic, has hope and predicts that things will go reasonably. Connected with greater emotional resilience and is often described as being the ‘glass half-full’.

Calming Down: The ability to self-monitor emotional states and to use breathing as a simple TOOL to change the body’s physiological - and the mind’s psychological - reactions to stress.

FOPL: A Fact of Playground Life: The inevitable ups and downs of playground relationships and interactions.

FOIL: A Fact of Internet Life: The internet happenings that are unacceptable – but happen regardless.

The Friendliness SPICE: A package of 5 friendliness skills to unwrap and use. Simple and effective ways to build friendliness and develop social skills.

The Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups: A choice of 3 actions – each one beginning with an ‘A’ – for responding to a situation. For Friendship Flare Ups they are Accept, Assert and Argue.

Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups: A simple method of assertively stepping up to managing the nasty stuff in friendships.

Bump: A common difficulty that everyone meets along the Highway of the Life. Learning specific skills helps everyone to deal with Bumps safely – both physically and emotionally.

The ‘Park your Brain’ sign occurs only in the Kids’ Notebook on the last page of each Chapter. It’s a summary of the chapter and may also have some reflective tasks for your child to undertake at home.

CHAPTER 2

SIX METHODS OF SKILL BUILDING

Role Play

Discussion

Imagery

Buzz Words and Sayings

Journal

Reward and Celebrate

SIX METHODS OF SKILL BUILDING

Throughout The Toolbox series, you will meet the same ways of helping your child to embed these skills. That’s because they work. Here’s how these methods can be used in relation to skilling your child to deal successfully with bullying and teasing:

- Role play

- Discussion

- Buzz words, sayings

- Journal

- Imagery

- Reward and celebrate

ROLE PLAY: TO BE ‘REALLY PRACTISED’

We guarantee you that the best way to learn something is to watch others doing it, and then to do it yourself – repeatedly. Just as you can’t learn to ride a bike by watching a video, the same applies to social and emotional skills: you need to walk the walk and talk the talk.

Often people are confused about this. They believe that repetition only applies to learning a physical skill - like tying your shoe laces, or learning to use a knife and fork. True, these are motor skills that require constant repetition to train the muscles involved, but it’s no different for psychological and emotional skills. They also have their own ‘muscles’- or brain circuitry – that is laid down and strengthened when psychological skills - like meditation - are embedded through practise, over and over and over again.

So don’t be fooled by the, “Hey Mum, Dad, I only need to read that stuff and I’ll be able to handle Freddie when he bullies me again.” Not true! Using the words and body language in role plays at home – in an ‘out of the crisis’, stress free moment when you can make a mistake – and in fact is all part of the learning - is the key to mastery. Practise makes progress.

A positive, however, is that generally kids love role play; adults – different story – so you shouldn’t have too much of an argument on your hands convincing your child to have a go.

Here are some pointers to get the role plays happening smoothly in your household:

- Do 10-15 minute sessions regularly, rather than a longer session less frequently.

- Choose 10-15 minutes when there are limited distractions, and child and parent are feeling relaxed and happy.

- Make the role plays fun rather than a ‘lesson’.

- Decide on the target skill e.g., ‘The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me’.

- Move around to music to ‘loosen up’.

- Each person can choose their role Agree to swap roles after 5 minutes or 2 role plays.

- Discuss how to give each other feedback – before you start the role play – and then, how that will occur. For example, the feedback about being more assertive could be, “Try saying that in a stronger voice” or, “You look much more assertive when you keep your chin up.”

- Agree on how often to give feedback, for example, “Let’s do that after we’ve done the role plays twice.”

- Agree that comments will be respectful, and involve no ridicule or teasing.

- At the end, each participant should ‘de-role’ from their role play character by stating that their actions and opinions were part of the role, and they were not personally directed against anyone. This is particularly important when the role plays have involved threatening, aggressive or nasty words and actions.

- If, despite your best efforts, your child is still reluctant to participate in role plays, allow them to observe others performing them, or discuss with the teacher the possibilities for classroom practice.

DISCUSSION

Talking regularly with your child about their progress in putting the skills into action definitely helps. This does have the potential to cause conflict, with the child feeling nagged and pressured, so try to agree at the beginning how often these discussions will occur. Aim for an agreement that:

- The child will practise the skill with their peers within the week in which it is role-played with parent(s).

- During the week you will have 2 conversations about their progress.

- These conversations can be as brief as 5 minutes.

- At the end of that week, the child chooses whether to try out another skill, or to keep working on the same one.

Some helpful questions to ask are:

“What helped when you tried out the skill?”

“What wasn’t helpful?”

“How would you score your success out of 10?”

“What will you do the same, and what will you do differently the next time?”

“How close are you to feeling confident using the skill?”

Reflective Listening

If, despite your most friendly, reasonable parent approach your child is still resisting any discussion, don’t make demands and turn this into conflict. Instead, use ‘reflective listening’ – that is hold off making any persuasive suggestions or critical comments about what your child has just said – or done.

Rather, simply reflect back the emotion you think your child is experiencing right at that moment. For example, “You sound like you’re feeling pretty fed up with me wanting to talk about it. It’s hard for all of us when you think that you’re being nagged about something.” And for the moment, leave it at that.

If the reply is continued complaining about your intrusive questioning, keep going with the reflective listening but use different words with the same emphasis: “Yes, it can be difficult when you feel pressured to answer.” Don’t try to get an answer.

We have 2 ears and 1 tongue, so we should listen more and talk less.
Diogenes

If the complaining keeps happening, finish the conversation with a broadly affirming comment such as, “It’s not always easy doing this stuff, and it takes lots of courage to try. I admire what you’ve been doing. Perhaps another time, we’ll be able to talk about it.”

Expressing empathy, such as: “It’s hard for all of us……” is a teaching moment in itself – regardless of the outcome. It demonstrates that you are reading your child’s emotions; that you’re willing to express it, and that you know what that feeling is like.

On another day, try again, and begin the conversation with, “The last time that I wanted to talk about how you were going trying out your new skills, you weren’t keen to talk. I’m wondering if now might be a better time?” Again, this is a respectful way of acknowledging past feelings and enquiring about any attitude shift that might have occurred. You are demonstrating being ‘a curious enquirer’ - who trusts that your child has their own views about what works for them – and you are willing to consider them.

If that approach also doesn’t yield any results, begin another conversation a few days later concerning your own experience of trying out the same skill that your child has been learning. The conversation might go something like this:

‘You might be surprised to hear this, but I’ve been trying out The SPICE Friendliness skills myself. When I was at your football game last Saturday, I didn’t see any parents that I knew so rather than just stand by myself, I decided to approach one of the mothers, smile and say “Hello” and ask what school her son goes to. She was very friendly and told me that it was the first time she’d come to the match on her own too.”

You are a great role model, and talking out your experiences with your own skills development is an excellent way of demonstrating that adults also need this sort of practise, and that social and emotional learning is ongoing.

Don’t become disheartened if your child is not cooperating with this type of dialogue. Making the attempt to have it, going through the motions, expressing an interest and coming up with suggestions, communicates and teaches much, much more than keeping it a ‘no go’ lane where it’s not safe for anyone to enter.

BUZZ WORDS, SAYINGS

Another reminder to use the language of the book when you’re talking about playgrounds, daily life, relationships - anything really.

- The concepts of ‘Stinkin Thinkin’ and ‘Supa Thinkin’ have applicability to life in general.

- A Flare Up can occur in any relationship – a child’s or an adult’s.

- ‘Straight Talk’ describes any directly assertive communication.

- There are many FOPL’s – Facts of Playground Life - just like there are many FOAL’s: ‘Facts of Adult Life’.

- And you can probably think up your own ‘Triple A’s’ to apply to many situations – whether it’s ‘Accept’, ‘Assert’ or ‘Agree’.

The more you make this language part of daily life, the more glue will attach to the skills and embed them in daily life.

The language can be through the words you speak to your children or through seeing these concepts up and around your house as posters and visual reminders.

The more often your child sees and hears about ways to manage themselves and their environment, the more competent and confident they will become at managing a FOPL as it arises.

JOURNAL

This is a different take on writing a diary. It concerns beginning a story about the child’s endeavor to master – and use - these Playground TOOLS, and tracking their progress through the story. Depending on the child’s age – and language abilities – the story can be written in the 1st person e.g. ‘I was getting teased about my new glasses;’ or as the narrator, ‘Amy had been bullied at her old school. She was scared it would happen again.’ It can also be co-authored with a parent – who is adding on their own observations of what the child is achieving – and what it is like to be observing that process. The parent is being a ‘witness’ to the child’s endeavours and this becomes part of the story.

Any of these styles will be effective, but what is fundamentally important is to use it as a ‘living story.’ This means that it is read by the child regularly - both on their own, with, and to a parent - or any other interested party. On first thinking about this, it may not sound very powerful. But it is surprisingly so, - and the more the child relates, gives voice to, and especially, has an audience that is hearing about their challenges and triumphs - the more that becomes a part of the child’s new story about their life on the playground – and themselves.

If you’re interested in finding out more about this way of helping children find a voice in creating an identity where they are succeeding, read about ‘Narrative Therapy’ – an established psychological therapy for both children and adults. More details are available in the ‘Helpful References’ on page 106.

IMAGERY

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”
Albert Einstein

Imagery is the process of visualizing a scene unfolding in your ‘mind’s eye. It is an effective way to memorize the steps of a skill, and to gain the confidence to use it. No props or other assistance is required, and it can be done privately anywhere. This technique is widely used by actors and elite sportspersons in preparation for a performance or game. It is very powerful when practised repeatedly.

Situations for which you could use imagery to help your child are:

- Being successfully included in a game.

- Responding confidently to a normal (not nasty) refusal.

- Responding assertively if it was a nasty refusal (more about both of these refusals and responses in Chapter 4.

It is important that the visualisation ends in a successful outcome – e.g., the child responding assertively – even if the scenario itself is a negative one. This is not for morale boosting, but to make success an anticipated, embedded outcome of that skill.

The most effective way to use imagery is with the child relaxed and comfortable, eyes closed, listening as you describe the scenario to be visualized. Suggestion of the emotions they could be experiencing and their reactions are included – you’re painting them a picture with words. Following is an imagery script for friendliness. It can be modified to suit your child’s language level and specific situation.

Your friend isn’t at school today, so at lunchtime you’re not sure who to play with. On the playground you see some kids from the other class playing what looks like a fun game. You feel a little bit shy about asking to join in because you don’t usually play with them, but you really want to learn the game.

So you do some Supa Thinkin, telling yourself, ‘They might need another person and I’m good at learning new rules.’ That helps you to feel more confident, and so quickly - before you change your mind - you walk up to them feeling very happy, and say in a strong voice, “That looks so much fun. My friend’s sick today and I’d like to learn how to play that game. Have you got any room for me?”

The boss of the game says, “Not yet, but if you wait, you can join in when there’s a space.” You say, “OK, cool, thanks. I’ll just sit and watch until you’re ready.” You feel so happy - because you’ll learn a new game - and you can also teach your friend when she’s back at school. You tell yourself, ‘I knew I could do it – and I did!’

REWARD AND CELEBRATE

When your child begins their coaching, brainstorm ideas about how they would like to celebrate their future success. Here are some ideas – with the important caveat: No Money Must Change Hands. Parental wallets must stay firmly closed. Locked In fact.

- Break any skill into ‘Levels’ of achievement and decide what the criteria are for each Level. For example ‘Level 1 of The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me’ is completing the first role play demonstration of it; ‘Level 2’ is when the role play has been done with another person, and so on until ‘Level 5’ involves responding with the Six Step Stick Up 4 Me in a bullying situation.

- Award Championship Certificates for reaching each Level. Present them at a family ‘Championship Awards Evening.’

- Spread the good news about achievements by showing the Certificates to aunts, uncles and grandparents.

- If you are also doing a Journal (as previously discussed) include the skill level attained, photos of Certificates and the presentation.

- Write a poem, a song, or make up a dance about the skill learned.

- Create an object out of any household material – newspaper, jars, lids - to create a symbol of the skill learned, and start a “My Awards Collection.”

- Do anything that signifies: ‘Learning this skill is important and we’re going to celebrate it.’ That means parents too!

CHAPTER 3

FRIENDSHIPS AND FRIENDLINESS

The Importance of Friendships

Friendliness: It’s a Skill

The Friendliness SPICE

Getting Real about Friendships

Boys and Girls: They’re Different!

FRIENDSHIPS AND FRIENDLINESS

You might think that this is the most natural skill in the world. For many children, it’s simply not, and for others even the best of friendships are punctuated with episodes of conflict and unhappiness for a variety of reasons.

Friendships and friendliness require well-developed Toolboxes full of TOOLS for building, maintaining and resolving conflict in relationships.

THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIPS

One ambition that parents universally share is they want their children to have friends.

Hearing “I’ve got no friends”; or “No-one wants to play with me” is an immediate parental gut-kick. Heard regularly, it will become an insidious happiness hazard…for everyone.

I get by with a little help from my friends.
The Beatles

Upsetting as those comments are, getting an honest account of what is happening on the playground is not entirely negative.It allows children and parents to act on early warning signs - which is preferable to coasting along, oblivious to what is actually happening ‘out there’ on the playground. You could be very grateful only a little way down the line.

Comments about not having friends or being repeatedly excluded need to be taken seriously. That doesn’t mean late night phone calls to the parents of those doing the excluding, or demanding that the school ‘do something about it.’ However, it does mean that some action needs to be taken to assist the child to be included in the social life of their peers. This might be through helping the child to build specific skills, change behaviours that are alienating them, or attending to some nasty playground dynamics. Ignoring it will achieve nothing but continuing the unhappiness – which will have a debilitating effect on their school life in every way.

Even if comments about a lack of friendships isn’t your ‘after school greeting’, it’s inevitable that for most kids there will be some blips along the friendship journey at some point in their school life. Whether it is conflict, or wishes to have more or different friends, it will happen. It’s part of being human.

Friends are the family you choose.

The friendships formed in one’s early years become a blueprint that leaves its mark on the quality of future friendships.

The child who is well liked seems set on a trajectory of self- reinforcing experiences, all of which enhance their ability to continue kicking social goals. Conversely, the child who is the frequent butt of others’ jokes and slights can slip into this position, anticipating the same again in new social circles, and acting in ways that in fact encourage the same response from a different group.

So making efforts to help your child to develop emotionally healthy peer friendships matters, and ways to do this - plus dealing with difficulties when they do occur – is what this book is all about.

FRIENDLINESS: IT’S A SKILL

Granted, some people are born with ‘the social gene.’ Right from get-go, they are unfazed by new social situations; they connect easily with others, make good friendships and are little troubled by social hiccups. Lucky or unusual? Probably both. For most people, however, this is not the case. Learning to get along with others and to form relationships takes time – and certain skills.

Firstly let’s talk about that quality called ‘friendliness’ – because it does bear some relation to the number of friendships that anyone will have – and it’s also a term that’s usually misunderstood by kids.

Friendliness: What exactly is it?

Think of the ‘friendliest’ person you know:

- Someone who you would describe as the complete opposite of ‘stand-offish’.

- Someone who shows a consistently genuine interest in being open to getting to know others.

What was it that made you choose that person? Was it their smile, regular invitations, interest in you and your life or needs, generosity of praise, emotional warmth, kindness, compassion, - or all of the preceding and many more combined?

We describe ‘friendliness’ as:

- Wanting to connect with others

- Exuding a warmth that is attractive and attracting

- Having an unconditional interest in others

- A genuine liking for people – which is authentically on show

Most adults say that they’ve become friendlier as they’ve matured/become more self-confident/cared less about what others think of them.

In other words, they seemed to connect more often and in a more fulfilling way with others, when they were less socially cautious: they took the initiative to connect with someone with less concern for the personal outcomes.

Friendliness – can you teach it?

Absolutely! It’s a ‘people skill’ – and like lots of other skills, it’s a bundle of behaviours that can be demonstrated, modelled and practised - until they become a ‘natural’ part of who the child or person is. It’s like learning to tie your shoe laces, use a knife and fork or ride a bike. There’s some fundamental steps to success – and they need to be repeated hundreds and hundreds of times to achieve mastery. As the wise Chinese proverb says: Every thousand mile journey begins with one step.

Children rarely understand what ‘friendliness’ actually means; they generally confuse it with kindness. Try asking your child to describe a friendly person and they will probably say someone who:

- Shares their lunch with you.

- Doesn’t say or do mean things.

- Helps you when you hurt yourself.

Whilst all admirable characteristics, they really describe a ‘kind’ person - and neglect the actions of taking the initiative to approach someone, being the person who says “Hello” first, going out of your way to put the other person in the spotlight rather than yourself – in other words being relationship-seeking or ‘friendly’.

THE FRIENDLINESS SPICE

SPICE is an easy to remember acronym which teaches the individual behaviours that demonstrate friendliness. They are:

S: Smile and say “Hello”

P: Praise

I: Invite

C: Chat

E: Enjoy

Let’s take the Friendliness SPICE actions one by one:

Smile and say “Hello”

So many languages in the world - and a smile speaks them all.

It sounds so easy – and it is – but it’s amazing how many kids and adults forget to do it. And it DOES make a big difference. Build it into daily life – remind your child to smile and say “Hello” as they enter the playground. If they know the child they’re greeting, adding on a name makes it even friendlier. Visit suburban playgrounds together and prompt them to initiate contact with another child. Even if the other child doesn’t respond, your child is getting the ‘active practise’ of being an initiator, and every single time they take that first step of being the greeter, that skill is being laid down in every fibre of their being.

Smiling sets off chemical reactions in the brain. Simply, it gets the ‘happy juices’ flowing around your brain, which is fabulous – and not just for your brain either. The connection between the brain and the body is well researched and we know that the physical action of smiling changes the way the brain interprets and responds to messages. Try it the next time you ring the Tax Department.

Warm body language is part of ‘smiling’ and saying “Hello.” Read more about this in ‘Enjoy.’

Praise

The ability to show sincere, genuine appreciation of another person’s qualities is a hallmark of interpersonal warmth. However, it’s something that people often struggle with - and yet you’d need to travel very far to find someone who didn’t have a genuine appreciation of being on the receiving end.

Praise is like manure, it works better the more you spread it around. So get spreading…

Giving Praise is the SPICE action that children tell us they find the most difficult.

Not surprisingly, children tend to focus solely on the obvious – such as personal appearances – but this is exactly what we don’t want them to become hyper focused on. Teaching kids to appraise each other’s ‘cool’ clothes or haircuts is artificial.

Acknowledgement – of someone’s actions, personal qualities or achievements - is much more valid, authentic and valued.

It is really a form of fostering an ‘Attitude of Gratitude’ – of others’ actions, presence and abilities. What are sentences of praise with 1 or 2 words that a child can easily learn? On the next page are examples. Think up some more and put a new one on the fridge or the bathroom mirror each week.

And don’t forget to use them yourself!

Invite

Invitations mean you’re valued – whether it’s for your opinion, presence or ideas. Personal invitations delivered face to face are the type that kids most usually do and practise, as always, helps. This skill requires knowing:

- What to say.

- How to say it - so it’s literally ‘inviting’.

- How to reply to both an acceptance and a refusal.

Role plays are the best way to do ‘active practise’ of interpersonal skills; there literally is no substitute for ‘walking the walk and talking the talk’.’ So set up some scenarios that your child and yourself can do together. The scenarios could be inviting/asking:

- A friend to join the family for an outing.

- Assistance to complete an activity.

- Someone to share viewing some photos.

- Someone’s opinion.

- A friend’s interest in learning a new game.

Talk about various ways to word the invitation e.g., “How would you like to come to my place on the weekend?”; “My family’s having a picnic on Sunday; would you be able to come?” Write a list of various invitations and incorporate your child’s ideas:

“Would you like to share this with me?”

“Want to have a try of this?”

“Would you like to do this?”

“Do you think this would be fun to do?”

“Can I show you what I’ve been doing?”

“Do you think you could help me with this?”

“Would you like to do something different?”

Keep adding invitation ideas to this list. Read the list together regularly – at least twice per week. Place the list where it can easily be seen so that you can reference it in conversations. Remind your child about body language – to make it friendly and relaxed – using the same actions as for ‘Smile and say “Hello.”’

If your child is agreeable to doing the role plays, remind them that every single time they do this, they are achieving exactly what every star singer, sportsperson, actor and dancer does – training themselves to ‘embed’ the actions in their brain. There’s no escaping it, ‘practise makes progress’ and it’s what every person who wants to be a master of a skill undertakes - consistently.

You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
A.A. Milne. Winnie The Pooh.

Emphasise that giving invitations is a way of being inclusive – and not only to friends, but to other classmates as well. Many opportunities come along every day to do this. It might be as small as asking if someone would like to hear a joke, or as involved as inviting someone to an event.

Broaden the role plays to include other methods of inviting - such as by phone or the internet. Spend more time practising the verbal invitations – person to person, or on the phone – as these elicit more anxiety.

Chat

- Have you ever been stuck for what to say to someone?

- Had the introduction and then experienced a mind-blank?

- Ever been to a party and not known one single person?

- Have you sidled up to someone who looked like they needed some company - or at the very least looked like they wouldn’t be too scary – and then scrambled around for a way to get the conversation happening?

Of course you have – every human being has had those experiences. It’s not a testimony to your social awkwardness; it’s called ‘normal’ – but it is something that everyone gets better at with practise – and the earlier you start the better.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Dale Carnegie

As well as trying to find opportunities to expose your child to those types of situations, get the ‘active practise’ happening at home through role plays. If you have family get- togethers and are looking for activities for the cousins to do together, suggest that. When school or neighbourhood friends are visiting, put it on the agenda as a 15 minute activity. Any opportunity to practise will make the next time easier.

Here are some role plays that increase verbal confidence. Most kids will agree to do them – if only for 10-15 minutes each.

Ask a Question:

What you need: A written list of questions that are fun, and at least 2 participants.

- Each child sits opposite a partner.

- Using a variety of ‘getting to know you’ questions, one of the pair tries to learn as much as they can about their partner in 1 minute.

- The child then introduces their partner using that information; for example, “I would like to introduce Andrew. He has a big brother and a little sister and this year he started at a new school - which he really likes.”

- The pair swap roles.

- Choose the questions that were the most fun to answer.

‘Chat’ is also about teaching children to be aware of what other children are interested in – and to also be willing to talk about that. A greater interest in others is an outcome of maturity – and children can demonstrate this through conversation.

In discussions with children about the link between ‘Chat’ and friendliness, they often mention their frustration with the child who talks about one thing – over and over - and in infinite detail. Being the perpetual listener is a one way street and true friendships are dual carriageways.

Reflect on some of your adult friendships. Perhaps you also have that one friend who often ‘rings for a chat’, speaks about themselves for 30 minutes without drawing breath, and then “has to go.” It’s essentially personally unsatisfying. Friendship requires a give and take – and showing interest in the other person through conversations is a great start.

One Minute Talks:

What you need: Cards with 1 and 2 word topics.

- Brainstorm a list of 1 and 2 word fun topics such as ‘Peanuts’; ‘Cold feet’; ‘Vegetables’; ‘Games’; ‘Ice-cream’; ‘Zebras’.

- Write each topic on a piece of paper and fold. Each person chooses a topic and without preparation talks about it for 1 minute.

- Increase the time frame as the child’s confidence grows.

- Vary the topics from the sensible to the bizarre, to help develop humour and to encourage thinking ‘on your feet.’

Enjoy

Remember, you’re coaching your child about how to have an interaction with another child - and to demonstrate their friendliness. Showing that you are feeling happy and relaxed again gets back to body language. Remind your child about the Supa Thinkin that will assist them in this process e.g., ‘I’m fun and fair in games’; ‘I’ve got lots of good ideas’; ‘People like me.’

I speak 2 languages: English and Body.
Mae West

Did you know that the words in a message contribute only a small part the meaning of the message?

Body language experts tell us that, in fact, body language accounts for 55% of how your message is interpreted. If more than half of how someone perceives us is through the language of our bodies, then it becomes imperative to actively teach children what warm, friendly body language looks like.

We know from running countless ‘Friendship Skills’ workshops, that children are often unaware of the effect of their body language on others. They are equally impressed when, by making a few simple changes to the way they present themselves - even when unsure or a little shy – that they attract friendships much more readily. Some of the specific body language we teach children is listed below. The mirror is a very useful friend when practicing warm and friendly body language.

Included in this section is the tone of voice used which is not always processed as being part of the friendliness package. Try it out with this one simple word: ‘Thanks!’ Have you ever been in a conversation when “Thanks!” has been delivered in a way that gave the exact opposite message? You know the one – where the intended message is really, “You let me down; you’ve been a big disappointment; you’re causing me grief?” Yes, we’ve all had that one.

Body language speaks volumes about someone’s approachability, friendliness, mood and their potential to be a friend. So practise some role plays of ‘greeting body language’ with your child.

Highlight:

- Arms by their sides.

- Shoulders back.

- A voice that is loud enough – but not shouting.

- Eye contact.

- Chin up.

- Looking at the other person’s eyes.

- Warm smile.

Discourage:

- Small voice.

- Slumped shoulders.

- Looking downwards.

- Twiddling with their shirt hem or fingers.

- Moving sideways from one foot to the other.

Perhaps together with your child you could create a SPICE poster to display somewhere around your home. Have ‘SPICE Weeks’ where you both rate your friendliness for the week and set goals for one of the skills. Get spicey and see the warmth that comes into your life.

GETTING REAL ABOUT FRIENDSHIPS

Friends and friendship issues can take up a lot of a child’s bandwidth during the school years. The assumption that every friend and every friendship is perfect, can lead to a child feeling let down when friendship bumps occur.

It is fair to say that this belief system is more predominant with girls, whose friendships have an intimacy and an emotional complexity that is not commonly seen in boys’ friendships. This is discussed further at the end of this chapter.

In the Kids’ Notebook we talk about ‘Friendship Fantasy Island’, where the inhabitants have unrealistic expectations of their friends. To reinforce this idea, discuss with your child that friendships:

- Are relationships with real people who are also coping with their own ups and downs.

- Are not always perfect and not always fulfilling.

- Can change.

- Go through difficult moments – like most things in life.

A helpful exercise to do with your child is to brainstorm a variety of sentences using the words ‘friends’ and friendships. Aim for a balance of positive and negative characteristics.

Friends are...

- great to have

- people I like

- fun

- sometimes annoying

- occasionally mean

- what everyone wants

Friends can sometimes...

- make mistakes

- change

- surprise you

- have good ideas

- play with someone else

- cheer you up

This is a way of encouraging a mindset that is balanced and rational. This is opposed to a mindset that is fixed and rigid – which invariably leads to more disappointment – because life simply isn’t like that - even when you’re a child.

This is what we call a FOPL – a Fact OF Playground Life. Friends and friendships aren’t perfect, and that’s OK if you have the TOOLS to deal with the inevitable ups and downs.

This is also a way to encourage your child to use ‘Supa Thinkin’ rather than ‘Stinkin Thinkin’ – one of the key concepts for emotional health and resilience - that you will hear a lot about in The Toolbox series.

Here are some examples of Supa Thinkin that would be helpful if a friendship disappointment occurs:

‘Maybe she’s just upset today. That’s OK.’

‘Everybody has bad days sometimes.’

‘It’s not me – it’s just what happens.’

‘Tomorrow is another day.’

‘He’s doesn’t mean to be nasty.’

‘That’s not so bad. I’ll talk to him about it later.’

As a parent, it’s also useful to think about the ways that you rationalise and self-comfort when your friendships are difficult or disappointing. These aren’t confined to childhood and sharing the Supa Thinkin that helps you is very useful…and very healthy.

BOYS & GIRLS: THEY’RE DIFFERENT!

The more a child idealises a friend, the more likely that bumps will crop up; perfection isn’t a realistic expectation. As we mentioned earlier, the gender of your child makes a difference to the intensity of these experiences. So let’s talk further about how ‘getting real about friendships’ has a different flavour for boys and girls.

Boys’ Play

Boys generally play in large groups – and it often involves the pursuit of a ball. Action is the focus, winning is the object and there’s no time for - and limited interest in - sharing personal information or recounting what you did on the weekend. The key concerns are can you kick a ball, if so, how far; what sort of catch are you, and will you help our team win the game? That’s it really: straight-forward.

Not that it’s without conflict – and lots of it. Playing by the rules, disputing who is out, refusing to go out if called, trying to bend the rules, and not wanting to share the captaincy, are the major causes.

Big team games are not for the timid, and pretty soon, the regular participants will have sorted themselves into a hierarchy, stacked according to genuine skills, a wish to be seen as skillful - and plain bravado.

In the first years of school when boys are 5 or 6 years old they are in the very first stages of playing big team ball games, and there will only be a few ‘stars’ who stand out because of their exceptional motor skills and co-ordination. By the age of 8 or 9 years more have joined the ranks of the skilful. This group of boys have a lot of power because of their sporting prowess, and even more so, if the culture of their country rates sporting ability highly.

If a boy is not particularly skilled at sport, he usually self-selects out of those lunchtime games. If he is persistent in wanting to be included, he will generally be told directly by the other boys that he doesn’t ‘cut the mustard’ with his skill levels. This tends to occur more after the age of 8 years - but in a cohort with a number of competitive, skilled boys – particularly if they have older brothers and have been on the receiving end of these tactics - it can commence earlier.

So as brutal as it may seem, boys who are not wanted in the ball games generally aren’t arguing for inclusion from the sidelines, as it is literally 1 against 12 or more. Visiting the library – if allowed, finding other like-minded ‘sports- ambivalent’ peers, playing other non-competitive games, or hanging out talking, will be their choices. Some also will prefer to join in with the girls’ games – particularly in the under 8 year olds.

None of these are negative of course, and if the individual boy’s attitude is that what he is doing is fun and interesting and he’s happy doing it, all will be fine. However, if he’s teased and ridiculed because of a lack of sporting ability, and has landed in a group where there is a lot of breast-beating about sporting prowess, it could be different.

Girls’ Play

Girls’ play generally occurs in pairs and smaller groups. It takes the form of discussions, sharing of experiences, likes and dislikes, creative fantasies and ‘make believe’ games.

Forming ‘clubs’ is another favourite – and has some similarities regarding the ‘right’ to be a member – as boys’ team games do. However, in the case of girls’ clubs, the membership criteria is based on personal appeal or other indeterminate factors, and that can mean that the ‘club scene’ becomes discriminatory and rather nasty.

Girls confide more in their friends about their likes and dislikes, their families, their opinion of classmates, other friends and events they’ve experienced. Competitiveness regarding sporting abilities is generally not as intense as it is for boys, and is not a quality that girls as a whole aspire to and link strongly to social prestige.

Girls who participate in or excel at extracurricular activities like ballet, gymnastics and horse-riding may gain some social ascendancy. However, as those activities aren’t part of the lunchtime games, their influence is not as pervasive as the boys’ focus on football, soccer, cricket, handball, or some other favourite.

Girls also leave out and exclude others but their reasons for doing so won’t be communicated as directly. Girls won’t necessarily say that someone can’t play a game because they always drop the ball. Rather, they’re more likely to give an excuse rather than criticism – sometimes in the attempt to be kinder – or give the appearance of being so. Whilst this is less harsh in a public sense, it creates a ‘foggy, fuzzy’ atmosphere about what actually you do need to do – or be - to gain inclusion.

So there’s an element of not being ‘straight’ or direct about how it really is - in girls’ friendships. This is very different from boys who, generally, will call it as it is – and this may be in an unkind way that is humiliating - but at least it’s very clear about where you fall down.

Girls are left to guess and infer what’s amiss, or to slide down the slippery slope of introspection about what actually is wrong them, and this can be debilitating.

All of these factors contribute to the different dynamics of boys’ and girls’ friendships and how they are played out in the playground.

CHAPTER 4

JOINING IN AND REFUSALS

Joining in Games

Play Refusals

Normal, Nasty and Very Nasty

The Triple A’s 4 Refusals

JOINING IN AND REFUSALS

Every day, every recess and lunchtime, children ask to join in games. Sometimes the outcome is a happy one: the child is included. Other times though, a child will be refused entry to a game or a group chat – and that outcome is a disappointing one. It is unfortunately, a FOPL – a Fact of Playground Life.

JOINING IN GAMES

Asking to be included comes up much more frequently in a child’s life than in an adult’s – and we sometimes forget that. So we might underestimate the difficulty that kids often experience in being included.

Can you think of the last time that you were at a social function where you knew very few people – or perhaps no-one? How you needed to ‘merge’ into a conversation group in a way that wasn’t clumsy, self-effacing or over-powering – or risk standing alone trying to pretend you were OK about that? Not easy is it? That’s because it’s a skill that takes practise – and generally those who have done it more frequently – and probably had some explicit upskilling about how to do it – manage it better.

Starting at a new school is this same experience, as is attending a new after school activity, club or school holiday program. Children do a lot more activities in groups – usually with little choice over the matter – so being included – or getting yourself included – is a must-have skill for kids.

Let’s start by not underestimating the skill set in getting into a game on the hurly burly of the playground. For many kids it takes lots of courage to risk rejection in front of a group of peers when they ask, “Can I play?” Even more so if this is not the first time that a refusal could be heading their way.

So acknowledge that fact with your child. Not in a dramatic, catastrophising way, but try to develop some empathy for what many kids – and yours might be one of them – are experiencing when they try to be sociable and get into a game.

Focusing on two key areas can turn the situation around:

- The joining in question that is asked.

- The body language that accompanies it.

A really productive method for the first point, is to teach your child a bunch of interesting Joining In Questions that will help their request stand out from the standard one of, “Can I play?”

Let’s face it, even with “please?” added on it is rather bland, and it’s also the standard, anticipated question that 95% of kids use. If a quiet voice, downward gaze and nervous twiddling of a shirt hem is the accompanying body language, the answer is probably going to be: “No!”

But the great news is that both of these blips are fixable. The first step is learning more interesting questions to ask.

Here are some examples:

“That looks fun, any room for someone else?”

“Do you need anybody else to play?”

“When you’ve finished that round can I please join in?”

“If I show you a great game, can you teach me that one?”

“Hey, I’d love to learn that; any chance of joining in?”

Place this list on the fridge or the bathroom mirror. Each week help your child to choose two questions that they will be asking at school during the week. Add a new question to the list each week and make another two choices.

The body language that gives even more sizzle to the question is the same as that discussed on page 43. The importance of body language is one of our familiar mantras, mentioned repeatedly throughout The Toolbox series. It demonstrates confidence and strength, and every child can with enough practise can demonstrate this. And whilst they are practising, remind them of the ‘Fake It Till You Make It Principle’: that’s the tactic that most people use.

To have the Joining In Questions rolling off your child’s tongue – together with confident body language - the unrivalled coaching TOOL is role plays – and lots of them. Refer to page 20 for a refresher about this, and while you’re doing that, flip over to ‘Imagery’ on page 28 as this combo is the ideal one to get these skills on board.

Visualising yourself going through the motions of using a new skill is powerful. Neuroscientists tell us that the repetitive utilisation of mental imagery for the process of learning a new skill, contributes to the formation of new circuitry in the brain.

One of the well-known catch cries of neuroscience is, ‘Neurons that fire together wire together’, which means that each experience we encounter, including our feelings, thoughts, sensations and muscle actions, becomes embedded in the network of brain cells. Each time that you repeat a particular thought or action, you strengthen the connection between a set of brain cells or neurons responsible for that action, and ‘embed’ that process. Amazing hey?

Imagery practise can be for as little as 30 seconds, a minute or 2 or stretched to 10 minutes - but it’s the regular practise of this ‘brainwork’ that will reap the most benefits. Did you know that there are countless children’s Apps available which assist with creating positive visualization of inclusive and accepting social situations?

One of the beauties of mental imagery and rehearsal is that it can be done anywhere, anytime: whilst a passenger in a car or train, before going to sleep or waiting for a bus. It’s truly portable.

Mention to your child that Imagery is a technique for which elite sportspeople and entertainers receive individual coaching, and you will find its appeal increases substantially. Refer to the ‘Helpful References’ on page 106 if you would like to read more about what Neuroscience is teaching us about helping kids to grow resilient, emotionally robust brains.

PLAY REFUSALS: THEY HAPPEN

Are they fair? Not always. Are they inevitable? Always.

Make no mistake, popular kids are also refused entry to games. It’s something from which no child is immune – and accepting that, is one of the first steps towards de-catastrophising it. Play refusals are a bump – one of those unpleasant events that we all encounter – and have to deal with.

It’s another FOPL – a Fact of Playground Life, and your child is reading more about this in the Kids’ Notebook.

We encourage you to use that language of it being a ‘FOPL’ when referring to play refusals – and other playground happenings. By doing this one simple thing, it makes the event more understandable and familiar; you’ve talked about – you’ve even got your own language to describe it. You’re onto it. Awesome! You’re ahead of the game.

NORMAL, NASTY AND VERY NASTY

Are all refusals the same? No. There are ‘Normal Refusals’ and ‘Nasty Refusals’…and ‘Very Nasty Refusals’. There’s a big difference between the last two and the first one – and different way of responding are required.

Normal Refusals: We define those as being where there is no ridicule or abuse of the child; it’s more factual – there’s not the opportunity to join in that game at that particular time. No offense intended. This is explained below in more detail.

Nasty Refusals: These involve intentional criticism and denigration of the child personally – or their skills. The responses to them require a fair degree of skill and coaching. However, these are excellent skills to get on board earlier in life rather than later, as dealing with refusals – as efforts to be included – are not experiences confined to the playground years.

It’s important for adults to have a good dose of empathy for these childhood experiences. Very few adults are dealing with similar situations on a daily basis – and if they are – there’ll be some specific job coaching to help them to deal with it.

So you want your child to have the skills to successfully respond to refusals, and by ‘successfully’ that means without:

- Suffering humiliation.

- Losing their temper.

- Attacking the group verbally or physically.

- Retaliating with sarcasm.

- Damaging their reputation.

- Closing off future opportunities for inclusion.

- Threatening the group with outcomes.

Rather they are able to:

- Respond calmly and confidently.

- Avoid self-blame and harsh criticism.

- Reflect optimism for future play opportunities.

- Demonstrate their skills in handling disappointment.

- Show they have other options for play.

Normal Refusals – what do they look like?

Normal Refusals are those where there is no intention to hurt or humiliate the child; it’s just a FOPL that currently there’s not the option for someone – anyone – to join in.

Your child will be able to spot this sort of refusal as it’s said without malicious body language; it’s a ‘no fuss’ factual decline; today, right now, having another person in the game, isn’t going to work.

So talk about what would be obvious about the body language of the group in this case – especially the child delivering the refusal. This would be relaxed body posture, calm, friendly tone of voice, no enjoyment gained from the refusal, and all over and done with quickly.

And Nasty Refusals?

The exact opposite! The body language of the group is unfriendly – often obviously dismissive, sarcastically humorous or straight out aggressive. The words used are critical or offensive regarding the child or their skills, and they are said with some enjoyment of their effect.

Often the process of the refusal is drawn out to entertain the whole group. It’s a case of scoring over the individual – already in a one down position because they are asking for something – and the group having the power to refuse.

Most kids will be able to tell the difference between Normal and Nasty Refusals. The group of children who might not are those with a language or comprehension difficulty, a learning disability or a diagnosis on the autistic spectrum. Spending longer with more specific details regarding the differences between the two refusal types will help these children, and as previously, role play rehearsal is the superior coaching method.

Here’s a useful poster to use as a discussion point with your child.

THE TRIPLE A’S 4 REFUSALS

The Triple A’s is one of the favourite Playground TOOLS, and you’ll meet it throughout all The Toolbox books. It comprises three actions, each being a different response for various playground or interpersonal situations. The first letter of each of the actions begins with an ‘A’.

There are different varieties of The Triple A’s, and in the case of responding to Refusals, they are: ‘Accept’, ‘Assert’ and ‘Argue.’ Now you’re probably surprised by the last one – and possibly on the verge of closing up the book…but hold on one second!

We are not proposing that your child learns how to become an argumentative combatant. Quite the contrary. ‘Argue’ needs mentioning – because it is the response of choice for many kids – in the absence of having been taught any others. So it needs to be referenced in the discussion, and in this case, it is as the option of what ‘Not To Do.’

Do you know the old saying: ‘Offence is the first line of defense?’ Too true. However, we want to help kids learn that being offensive is not the way to deal assertively - or successfully - with difficult events.

So, instead, here is a better option: The Triple A’s 4 Refusals.

Accept:

This is a combination of an ‘Inside-TOOL’ and an ‘Outside-TOOL’. The Inside-TOOL is the child using Supa Thinkin to manage the upset they may feel at hearing the Refusal. The Outside-TOOL is their reply.

Supa Thinkin is another of the TOOLS that comes up repeatedly in The Toolbox series. It is the champion of mood management - and like many of the skills - is one that can be introduced to a child early - as young as 4 or 5 years of age.

Supa Thinkin is the Hero of helping all of us deal with challenging events and circumstances; it’s your internal dialogue that sets the tone for how your body will respond emotionally, physically and behaviourally to a circumstance that you are facing.

Your child will be reading about this in the Kids’ Notebook, so a chat about it will be very beneficial.

Here are some examples of Accept Supa Thinkin:

‘No big deal, I’ll find something else to do.’

‘Next time it might be different.’

‘At least I was friendly for asking.’

‘OK, what shall I do next?’

‘Who looks like they would like someone to join in?’

These are examples of Accept replies:

“OK, catch you later.”

“Too bad, it looks so much fun.”

“If you change your mind, I’ll be over there.”

“Have fun!”

“Chow for now!”

With that double package on board, your child will walk away from the refusal a champion – which, of course, you already know.

Assert:

When did you first hear about – or if you were fortunate – learn about - being assertive? Most adults will say that it was certainly at least in their teens, and many more will say in their twenties, thirties or forties, or even perhaps fifties… If you were born before 1960 you might even say that it’s only something you’ve just caught up with.

Acquiring these skills has been part of the self-help and personal development wave that has swept the world over the last three or so decades. Thankfully, children of this generation are getting an earlier chance to lay down theses habits of emotional health.

So ‘Yeh!’ to that – and (big) ‘YEH!’ to yourself - that you are a parent who is helping it to come about by reading books like this.

Assert is an Outside-TOOL and can be used in response to some Normal Refusals – those that perhaps have been ongoing, and seem to have a nasty intent - even though the words are not. More frequently, however, Assert is for Nasty Refusals.

The Triple ‘A’s response of Assert requires both a confident tone of voice and body language together with using the appropriate words. Abusive language delivered with assertive body language = an aggressive response.

So although body language accounts for 55% of the message, it’s still important to spend time coaching your child in what are the most appropriate and effective words to use.

Examples of Assert replies are:

“Don’t treat me like that; it’s unfair.”

“You could have said “No” more kindly.”

“That’s nasty and rude.”

“That was so mean, I’ve changed my mind.”

“You probably think that was smart, but actually it was extremely nasty.”

Assert responses are a good example of what we call ‘Straight Talk’ - powerful for delivering a message about setting a wrong right or something that needs addressing.

As before, remaining very calm with a clear, strong voice and a direct gaze, sends a much more powerful message than a raised voice, tears and an aggressive tone – regardless of the words used.

Being able to remain calm demonstrates excellent emotional self- management and tenacity – and both of those give a metamessage that this is a person who knows their mind and isn’t afraid to speak it. Delivering Straight Talk to your mirror is a great way to gain mastery – and it never answers back…

Argue:

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
George Bernard Shaw

As mentioned previously, this is a ‘non-response’ that throughout The Toolbox series, is emphatically promoted as a ‘no-go’ area.

As children mature into teenagers, their ability to put up a good argument seems to come along in leaps and bounds…ask any parent. In the earlier school years, however, being able to publicly argue your case unemotionally – particularly against a group - and win the argument for your inclusion in a game, would be quite a feat.

Learning to master both the Inside and Outside-TOOLS for both the Accept and Assert responses is an excellent option and a great foundation for later skill development.

CHAPTER 5

FRIENDSHIP FLARE UPS

Understanding Flare Ups

Dealing with Flare Ups

The Triple A’s 4 Flare Ups

Gender Differences

FRIENDSHIP FLARE UPS

In Chapter 2 we talked about the benefits of normalising the fact that friends and friendships aren’t perfect. In the Kids’ Notebook it’s referred to as ‘sailing away from Friendship Fantasy Island’.

We also suggested earlier that doing a brainstorm with your child of sentences that included the words ‘friends’ and ‘friendships’ to reflect reality - not fantasy - about friendships. This rational mindset is an important foundation for tackling friendship bumps.

UNDERSTANDING FLARE UPS

We have found that all children benefit from being able to think of friendship difficulties as falling into 3 categories: ‘Sparks’, ‘Flames’ and ‘Fires’. Collectively, they are known as ‘Friendship Flare Ups’, and as you no doubt have inferred, the intensity of the heat determines what is the experience - and the outcome - of the Flare Up.

You will notice a theme here – one that also applies to the use of TOOLS such as Supa and Stinkin Thinkin. It is teasing out the differences in various situations - and giving names to them that reflects the defining characteristics.

This serves as a form of a ‘rating system’ - a ‘how bad is this?’- which helps to clarify what you are actually dealing with. By rating a difficulty, you’ve put it on a scale - and that means it has ‘degrees’ of difficulty. Scaling anything means comparison and evaluation rather than a rigid, fixed, black and white view.

It’s easier to imagine a solution to a problem that has ‘degrees’ of difficulty – particularly if you decide you’re going to tackle it at the least intense end of the scale. This means putting something into perspective and that elicits a ‘Can Do’ attitude to dealing with it.

A poster of the categories of Friendship Flare Ups placed on a handy spot at home would be a good reference point, and seeing it regularly will embed the classification into your child’s mindset. You will find one on the following page.

How friendship difficulties are categorized is individual. Your child may believe that a friend saying that her brother was a ‘real pain’ is a Spark, yet for another child, that would be a definite Flame. Being told that you’ll never be able to be Captain of the basketball is a Fire for one child and a Spark for another. There’s no one size fits all.

To understand your child’s views, ask them to categorise the following:

Your friend:

•

said your lunch looked horrible

SPARK?

•

forgot yourbirthday

•

didn’t laugh at your joke

FLAME?

•

played with someone else at recess

•

didn’t want to come for a play date

FIRE?

Add on as many different examples as you wish – together with your child’s suggestions. Make yourself the subject and compare your answers with your child’s. Reflect on what your answers might have been at your child’s current age. Try to re-visit this every 6 months or so to track any changes or developments.

Although answers are individually specific, it’s worth noting however, that if your child’s responses are polarised at either ends of the scale - Sparks or Fires - it’s a good idea to discuss further. It could signal that your child’s emotional responses tend to be either underwhelming, e.g., Sparks, that could mask their true response to a situation, or the opposite - catastrophising - Fires. Either will influence your child’s ability to problem solve in an emotionally balanced and rational way and is worth finding out a bit more about.

Spark

A small Friendship Flare Up that could probably pass by using Supa Thinkin and staying calm.

Flame

A medium sized Friendship Flare Up that could diminish or settle down on its own, but if not, it requires a response.

Fire

A big Friendship Flare Up that is hurtful and most definitely needs a powerful response.

DEALING WITH FLARE UPS

Here again we meet the trusty Triple A’s - mentioned previously as an effective response to Normal and Nasty Refusals.

This time they are for responding to Friendship Flare Ups and the 3 choices are ‘Accept’, ‘Assert’ and ‘Argue’. As previously, Argue is highlighted as not being a choice – but mentioned because it is the ‘default’ – and popular choice for many.

On the next page you will see the problem-solving grid that your child has read about in the Kids’ Notebook. It explains how to apply The Triple A’s to The Friendship Flare Up categories.

You will note that Assert can be used for Sparks that are repetitive. Clarifying and further discussing what that actually means would be a good discussion to have with your child.

So when your child next talks about a disagreement or a disappointment with a friend, ask them, “Spark, Flame or Fire?” Dig out this diagram and use it to reference your discussion. And of course, Flare Ups don’t only happen with friends – they can be with other classmates and of course their ‘home friends’ called brothers and sisters.

As with The Triple A’s for Play Refusals, Accept involves using an Inside TOOL– such as Supa Thinkin. It’s an internal checking in with yourself that you can deal with what has occurred. Let’s have a closer look at each of the Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups.

THE TRIPLE A’S 4 FLARE UPS

The Triple ‘A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups comprise Accept, Accept and Argue.

Accept: Supa Thinkin creates a positive and helpful internal dialogue that helps to diffuse the emotional overwhelm of a Friendship Flare Up. It also helps to self-soothe feelings of emotional upset.

Discuss the following scenario with your child for their reactions and thoughts.

Your friend said in a smiling, happy way that your brother can be a pain. You’ve just had a nice time with your brother before coming to school, so the description doesn’t really fit……today.

However, you know that yesterday your friend and yourself were laughing together about the annoying things that each of your brothers sometimes do, and you had lots of fun sharing this.

Your friend had a smile on her face today when she said your brother can be a pain. So even though it’s a bit annoying - because you’re feeling very kindly towards your brother – you do a bit of Supa Thinkin and tell yourself: ‘She’s having a joke with me, she’s not trying to be nasty.’

Another Inside-TOOL that is helpful when using the ‘A’ of Accept, is Calming Down – and it goes hand in hand with Supa Thinkin.

It’s a simple, proven physiological reality that taking slow, deep breaths is the best way to calm down. We call it ‘Bubble Breathing’: it’s a deep breath in and then exhaling slowly and evenly – like blowing a bubble.

Discouraging the exaggerated raising of shoulders when breathing in is important; it’s the child’s belly that does most of the moving. Practising ‘Bubble Breathing’ with a container of detergent and a plastic ‘wand’ is a sure favourite with kids, and a great teaching tool.

Another fun exercise is ‘Belly Breathing’: the child lays down, stretched out fully, and places a small object on their stomach which rises and falls slowly as they breathe gently. You can read more about these emotional self-management TOOLS in The Emotional Toolbox 4 Managing Me.

If a child is willing to Accept that the friendship is experiencing a Spark, or maybe a Flame, then the other Inside-TOOL of Ignoring is a good one to put into the solution mix. This can take the form of choosing to play with someone else, walking away, finding something else to do, distracting with some fun visualisations of the last holiday, or a party coming up next weekend. All useful ways to Accept the Friendship Flare Up that’s happened.

Assert: Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups is an excellent TOOL for a child who is wanting to assert themselves, address a perceived wrong, or give a clear message about something that they believe has been unfair or hurtful.

Straight Talk is particularly relevant for those Friendship Flare Ups where the incident has been ‘behind the scenes’ - such as spreading a rumour, or some action of ‘social manipulation’ such as excluding someone from an activity or a group.

Rather than second-guessing what the situation is, and using their own ‘behind the scenes’ social manipulation to address the conflict, using Straight Talk is doing the exact opposite. The child is being ‘straight’ with the other person about what they believe has occurred.

Straight Talk is just that:

- Straight in direction: to the person(s) involved.

- Straight in meaning: a clear description of what has occurred.

- Straight about the impact: the effect on the person.

- Straight about the solution: what the next step needs to be.

It doesn’t come much Straighter than that!

The accompanying body language is as also very important: calm, strong voice, standing still, arms by the side, chin up and firm eye contact. It makes it hard to miss that the person has a firm resolve and an expectation that the message will be taken seriously.

Straight Talk is a skill that many adults would like to have on board, but it doesn’t require maturity to realise. It’s one of the Smart Life Skills that we recommend that parents help their child to develop. Yes, initially it can seem confrontational to a child, and there’s no doubt that it takes courage. However, with modelling, gentle coaching and encouragement, it can be achieved.

This is the Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups poster which your child will have seen in the Kids’ Notebook.

Where would be the best place to put it in your home?

Experimenting using a variety of Straight Talk messages will help your child to be more confident using them. Following is a poster example and other suggestions for developing this skill further.

SAYING IT STRAIGHT – STRAIGHT TALK

- “Talking about me like that is unkind. Don’t do it. It will ruin our friendship.”

- “Leaving me out is mean; it’s an unkind way to treat a friend. I won’t put up with it.”

- “If you have something to say about me, please say it straight to me. I can deal with that.”

- That’s being nasty and I don’t deserve it. I won’t be hanging around if it doesn’t stop.”

- Make your own posters of different Straight Talk sentences.

- Create your own Straight Talk scenarios.

- Discuss and role play the differences between using Straight Talk assertively and aggressively.

Following is an exercise that helps to compare and contrast the difference between several ways of saying the same sentence – it’s a very powerful learning experience.

“Don’t talk about me behind my back!”

Tone of voice

Body language

Whiny

Chin down, arms crossed.

“Don’t talk about me behind my back!”

Tone of voice

Body language

Dramatic

Arms flapping, foot stamping.

“Don’t talk about me behind my back!”

Tone of voice

Body language

Confident, calm.

Shoulders back, chin up, arms at your side, eye contact

(Straight Talk)

(Straight Talk in action)

And then we come to that third ‘A’ of The Triple A’s, the ‘not to do’: Argue.

Argue: Simply. No! It’s guaranteed to turn a Spark into a raging bushfire. Emphasise to your child that Argue is almost an instinctual first response - but it is absolutely going to make the Flare Up a lot worse.

Discuss with your child how Argue is not the skillful choice that both Accept and Assert responses are; they both require training, a number of steps to do successfully – and their outcome is success. There’s no arguing about that!

GENDER DIFFERENCES

In Chapter 3 the broad differences between the play of girls and boys was referenced - boys generally playing in larger groups where the focus is on action, sport and competition. Girls play is in pairs or smaller groups, and the games have less competition, conversation and personal interactions.

Girls’ Friendship Flare Ups

From an early school years girls’ friendships have greater emotional intimacy than do those of boys. There’s also an expectation that as well as being someone who is fun to play with, a friend is will be a loving companion.

Girls’ friendships are more conversation based and they involve more sharing of information about their lives in general, with more intimate and personal disclosures. Affection for each other is expressed in words and actions, and the expectation of kindness between friends is a given.

Public criticism of each other is not a regular and defining characteristic of girls’ friendships; however, it will be likely in the heat of a Friendship Flare Up. Criticism of others – or each other - is generally shared with a select few friends, and these shared confidences and fault finding about others creates a form of friendship solidarity.

Because girls’ friendships have such strong emotional ties, careless words and actions from a friend can hurt deeply. They are seen as a betrayal, an act of disloyalty to someone who has shared so much of themselves. They can be hard to forget – let alone to forgive.

Categorising Friendship Flare Ups into Sparks, Flames and Fires is probably more helpful to girls. The scaling of the event can help them to ‘grade’ its impact by using less rigid, ‘all or nothing’ type thinking. It can mean less catastrophisation, drama and heightened reactions to them.

The option of being able to view an incident as a Spark, and to ‘shrug it off’– to not ‘overthink’ it, is an empowering option for the girl who is more inclined to ‘take everything to heart’, to hurt deeply about incidents that don’t warrant such emotional investment. A supremely helpful TOOL to assist with this is Supa Thinkin – the compassionate internal dialogue that is self- nourishing and also calming.

However hurtful actions aren’t always direct in girls’ friendships. Even without being consistent enough to warrant the term of ‘relational bullying’ social exclusion or undermining of a girl’s reputation or self-confidence can occur within otherwise emotionally healthy friendships.

One of the big difficulties with these actions is that they are indirect, which makes the accurate interpretation of what’s actually occurring difficult. Second-guessing about whether a friend’s actions were ‘just a mistake’ or intentional usually follows. Added into this mix, behind the scenes discussions between the friendship group about what has occurred, often results in a form of ‘Chinese Whispers’, which muddies the waters even more. It can become very complicated.

The drama of this can be appealing to some girls, and the ‘entertainment factor’ can deter them from dealing directly with whatever disappointment or conflict has occurred. It’s almost a sense of enjoyment seeing females behave in ways towards each other that go against the supposedly held moral code of kindness, compassion and love.

All of these factors contribute to girls’ Friendship Flare Ups having a ‘smouldering’ quality – smoke on the horizon that can waft either way depending on the force and direction of the wind. The behind the scenes, indirectly hurtful actions - even if not to a level that could be called bullying – contributes to a sense of not knowing ‘which way the wind is blowing’ with a friendship and a fluctuating pattern of unhappiness.

One of the best ways that we can help girls to deal with this – and any conflict in an emotionally healthy way - is to make Straight Talk a more familiar and regularly used TOOL in their skill set. It is the complete opposite of indirect or manipulative actions, and blows away the smoke screen exposing the issue that needs to be addressed.

A Straight Talk response to a Friendship Flame where the girl is wanting to clarify directly what actually is occurring, takes bravery….lots. It can be learned though, and with enough role play practise at home with a parent, it is definitely achievable. It can stop an insidious pattern of a friend’s undermining behaviour from being accepted as “it’s just what she does.”

Straight Talk is also the response for a Friendship Fire. The body language accompanying it is very assertive and the words are crystal clear that what’s been experienced is completely unacceptable if the friendship is to continue.

Both parents being willing to consider their own style of dealing with conflict with their daughter is also very important. Family patterns are the scaffolding around which conflict style is fashioned. Individually both father and mother need to ask themselves:

- How do I address my dissatisfaction with my daughter’s behaviour?

- Is Straight Talk my style?

- Is emotional distancing and the ‘silent treatment’ a response to – or from – my daughter during conflict?

- Do I use other indirect ways to signal my disapproval?

- How does/would she respond to Straight Talk?

Not easy questions to answer honestly, but they are essential to ponder on. If you can see patterns between the conflict that occurs with either parent, and that which occurs between she and her friends, some reading about mother/daughter and father/daughter relationships can be very beneficial.

A consultation with a family therapist could also be an option- and don’t think of it as being for ‘the worst case scenario’. It could be the beginning of understanding – and changing – family interactions which aren’t helpful.

Boys’ Friendship Flare Ups

Most boys’ friendships are more straightforward than girls; they lack the emotional intimacy and expectation of nurturance and care. Overt competition means that bruising interactions are to be expected; winning and losing – it’s all part of the game.

Regular banter about and reciprocal criticism of each other’s skills, actions and personal qualities is traded freely. Generally, disclosures aren’t as intimate or personal as for girls, and the boy’s inner sense of self is not a part of the friendship. There’s less emotional investment by the boy in both the friends and the friendships.

Consequently, their Friendship Flare Ups have a less emotional ‘flavour’. There’s not regularly the same sense of betrayal and disloyalty and probably also less introspection about ‘why me?’ The conflict is also overt: ‘what you see is what you get’. Second- guessing the ‘whys’ and ‘wherefores’ about both the cause of the conflict and the action required, doesn’t occur. It’s less emotionally painful.

Causes of Friendship Flare Ups for boys are more likely to be regarding:

- A particularly offensive personal comment

- Not playing by the rules of the game

- A power play regarding who is ‘king of the pack’

- Stepping outside the boundary of what’s considered acceptable teasing or criticism

When a Friendship Flare Up does happen, it’s more likely to be a public one – both in the playing out of it and also the resolution.

The Flare Up could go from a Flame to a Fire quickly, and physical retribution could occur – or be threatened. Any verbal response will usually be made directly to the ‘offender’ rather than confided and shared through the rumour mill.

The TOOLS for boys to deal with this type of Friendship Flare Up really comes down to assertive Straight Talk. Giving a straight and confident message about why something is offensive, and how it should be addressed, is more commonly a style amongst boys – particularly those who hold a lot of power in their peer group.

The boys who will struggle with this are the quieter ones who are less competitive, and usually avoid the politics of peer power play. Their friendships are more likely to be with like-minded boys who are less aggressive and combative, with less jeering or competitiveness regarding who is on top of the pack.

However, this quieter, perhaps more timid and reserved boy will need to be able to hold himself against the more powerful boys. Being able to do some Straight Talk if he is offended by the actions of one of them is important. It’s really like some ‘anti- being-pushed around’ type training. It serves as a precursor to ensure that they are ‘bully-ready’ should the offensive comment or action escalate to bullying.

So practising Straight Talk with a variety of scenarios will help. Following are some suggestions.

- Consider some scenarios that could lead to potential Friendship Flare Ups.

- Name the boys that could be involved.

- Choose the Straight Talk responses.

- Do role plays of these scenarios – preferably with other males responding with this Straight Talk.

- Do the role plays in both sitting and standing positions.

- Keep a record of any situations that occur with peers. Read through them together.

- Track what occurred step by step and suggest alternative responses.

- Role play these scenarios concluding with a successful outcome.

As with girls, it is helpful for both parents to question the style that you each of you use to deal with conflict with your son.

- Do I use Straight Talk?

- How does this differ from the Straight Talk that I use with other family members?

- Am I harsher with my words or body language because I’m dealing with a male?

- How does my son respond to Straight Talk?

- What do I know of how he deals with Friendship Flare Ups?

CHAPTER 6

THE ONLINE PLAYGROUND

The Online Playground

Nettiquette

Common Online Friendship Events

Dealing with these Events

THE ONLINE PLAYGROUND

Most parents are concerned about the internet’s influence on their family’s life. On the plus side, it has made possible access to far richer and extensive educational opportunities than ever before in the history of civilization.

On the minus, there’s a demolition of the boundaries which previously afforded some protection to our youth from toxic influences.

In the Kids’ and Parents’ Notebooks of The Playground Toolbox 4 Beating Bullying & Teasing the online bullying is dealt with in detail. In this book we consider the common bumps that occur in children’s online friendships.

Putting in place Nettiquette - the rules and processes of safe family internet use - is important from the get-go. It also helps in avoiding or curtailing some of the more common online friendship issues.

Following are 10 points of Nettiquette.

NETTIQUETTE

1. Early is best

Even your best efforts will never be able to ensure 100% that your child will not do - or be exposed to - something potentially dangerous online. However, they will make an enormous contribution to drastically reduce this possibility.

So, from the very first day the decision is made to buy or lease a computer for the family - or certain family members - the parental discussion about ‘the rules’ starts. Any family member wanting their digital license has to participate. No exceptions.

2. Be aware

You’ve made the decision, you’ve pulled out your wallet, so you need to know the potential cyberspace dangers - and how to avoid them occurring in the first place. And that information about the threats needs to be – and to remain - current.

You wouldn’t let your 9 year old operate a dangerous piece of equipment like a chain saw; you’d make sure that your 18 year old had a safety demonstration, discussion of the hazards, safety glasses - and an adult overseeing its use.

So don’t be lulled into complacency by a silent, sleek, silver slither of metal that sits quietly on the sideboard. More kids have been harmed by them than by chain saws.

3. Empower yourself

It’s not good enough to fall back on the standard, “I don’t like technology, the kids these days are so clever at all this stuff; she can run rings around me on the computer.” Yep, no doubt she and he can – and does – and that’s why you have to know what you don’t know.

Particularly don’t have that dialogue within ear-shot of your child – even if they are only 6 or 7 years old. Rather…“I’m not up to speed with all of this….yet…but I will be soon - because I want to know that my kids are safe”, sends a very different message. It also lets your child know that you won’t be so easily talked around when more screen time, access to the password or other privileges are suggested.

It’s your business to know what they are doing. So enrol in a short course at a community college, do some online research on internet safety or enquire at a government helpline regarding resources. There’s lots around. Education about cyber safety has become big business. Make it your business.

4. Privacy settings

All devices – phones and tablets included - have privacy and parental settings. Know what they are for the devices in your house - and check them….regularly. In families where the age range of children is broad - and perhaps extends into teenage age or older siblings – a curious younger family member could just have an opportunity to access material on devices where the privacy settings have not been set by a parent.

So older siblings or step-siblings – whether they live with the family or visit periodically - need to co-operate in helping to keep the younger children safe by ensuring their own devices have appropriate safety settings.

5. Monitor

Parents need to be able to monitor their children’s internet use – and 100% honesty from parents about this is necessary. Regardless of your level of trust and assurances from your child, it is important that you continually check devices and re-install software as necessary.

The following websites have helpful information regarding ‘parental software’ or ‘parental intelligence’ to assist with monitoring: www.toptenreviews.com and www.uknowkids.com

6. Public is best

Prohibit devices from bedrooms and bathrooms; they belong in parts of the house where what’s being viewed is observable – if only periodically. Areas such as living rooms, kitchens and games rooms enable you to more easily observe what a child is reading, and also their responses to received messages.

7. Limited time frames

Establish blocks of time when the internet is available and when it’s not. After school, consider having a 1.5 hour period where chores, homework and outdoor activity occurs and there’s no internet access. Allow a window of 45- 60 minutes use with a final curfew time according to the child’s age. Examples are for 6-8 year olds turn off by 5:30 pm; 9-10 year olds by 6:00 pm; 11-12 year olds by 7:00 pm. After these times, all devices are locked away – under parental supervision – until the next day.

8. A Contract

Although commonplace for millions of children around the world, internet access - is still a privilege – one that their parents have enabled. Just as a driver’s license has many conditions, so does a digital one. So treat it that seriously. Draw up a contract for conditions of use, stating the specific time frames and curfews for each family member. Determine what the consequences will be if any of the contract conditions are broken – and enforce them.

9. A digital citizen

Remind your children that everything posted online is permanent. For the 6-11 year olds reinforce that ‘permanent’ means ‘forever’; there’ll always be a record of that comment, like, dislike, photo or video. If it’s not something they would say or do if it had a worldwide audience, then don’t. Because it does.

10. Have your eye on the future

Your child’s healthy independence – in all aspects of their life is your ultimate aim.

These guidelines – like many in parenting – are about laying down healthy habits, which protect your child from impulsive choices and unsafe situations.

General Safety Awareness

In this Chapter, we will focus on friendship events that do occur online and how to apply the Flare Up TOOLS discussed earlier.

The Virtual Reality

Children now have the options of ‘actual’ or ‘real’ (face to face) friendships, ‘virtual’ (cyberbased) friendships – and combinations of both.

Although 13 years is the age at which a social media account is permitted, children younger than this may be ‘chatting’ to others online through game and chat sites, both within their own country and internationally. So be aware of – and check whether your under 13 year old child is doing this – and with whom.

School or community-based friendships may also have an online component through after school or weekend ‘chats.’ It is now a reality that the majority of children attending primary school have some friendships that are conducted only in cyberspace, and the rest occupy both the online and the school playgrounds.

It’s no secret that difficulties can – and do - occur in online friendships, and the media publicity concerning these sends shivers down a parent’s spine. This sensationalism which highlights the ‘worse case scenarios’ is in fact counter- productive. It draws attention away from the everyday happenings in ordinary, not particularly pathological - but important – online interactions that the average child needs to know how to deal with.

We have focused on the average, regular, way-more common circumstances that occur for children who are having internet friendships. It’s also part of our philosophy that dramatisation breeds paralysis and irrational solutions, and in our commitment to bring you the GUTTS, that’s not going to be helpful for the millions of families who are dealing with these common situations every day. Difficulties don’t have to be newsworthy to find a way to prevent them - or to find a solution to deal with them.

So let’s begin by discussing the chief contributors to the online playground difficulties. They are:

Minimal supervision

Unlike in the school playground, it’s not possible to supervise the cyber interactions occurring on a moment to moment basis. Even with access to online conversations that have occurred, it is in retrospect, and only good for an example of what not to do…next time.

A Teacher on Playground Duty is considered essential and helpful; a parent wanting Online Playground duties is more likely to be considered intrusive, alarmist and, depending on the child’s age, disrespectful of their privacy.

However, it is important that parents do have a supervisory role for the internet – and children need to be aware of this. Parents need to make their case, set out the rules, determine their hours and conditions of supervision duty - and then gain the family’s cooperation.

It’s all achievable - but not necessarily easy. It requires instigation by the parent - and the determination to maintain it - to be truly effective. And as we all know, there are so many competing tasks in parent-world, and a child sitting quietly intent on a computer screen, doesn’t set off alarm bells. It’s easy to be complacent.

Limited communication

Conversations conducted only through written words lack the body language which communicates more of the message’s intent and ‘flavour.’ Emoticons – even if brightly coloured and in motion - are a poor substitute. Misinterpretation of messages in the online playground is a regular surety, and the fallout from these is on a very bumpy, wide and long continuum.

Concealed, cheeky and cruel

There’s nothing like the opportunity of hiding behind someone – or something - to bring out thoughts and emotions that are inhibited in more public forums.

It’s not rocks or rotten tomatoes that are now hurled – but abusive language and nasty or toxic words. The online audience is of course infinitely greater than the local neighbourhood gang increasing the potential humiliation factor manifold times.

The cheeky and inappropriate messages can commonly occur between friends, and that is our next focus. The cruel comments fall into the bullying category and are covered in the Playground Toolbox 4 Beating Bullying and Teasing.

COMMON ONLINE FRIENDSHIP EVENTS

One of the terms that was introduced earlier is a ‘FOPL’ – a Fact of Playground Life: events that are common to all children’s play situations – particularly in a large group such as on a playground. There is also a cyberspace equivalent: a ‘FOIL’ – a ‘Fact of Internet Life’.

Following is the FOIL most relevant to cyberfriendships: misinterpretation of a message.

Misinterpreted Messages

Outside of the bullying realm – where the message content is clearly abusive, or the process of circulating it is also - most online friendship bumps arise from misinterpreted messages.

At the mildest end of the spectrum, an inoffensive message may take on nasty qualities due to a poor choice of words, or from the lack of accompanying body language.

A reminder that body language determines 55% of how a message is interpreted – as referenced earlier in this book - is worth reinforcing with your child.

This is a particularly wise caution for the child who is rather casual, off hand - or naïve - with their comments - and doesn’t appreciate the way that body language can soften – or change - a message. It’s also a good reminder to the child who tends to over-estimate the negative meaning of the words and has difficulty with the influence of the context and body language.

The most effective way for a child to deal with any message that they consider offensive, is to record it – with a ‘screen shot’ - and then to ask for a parent or another trusted adult or older sibling’s opinion about it. To be able to do this the child needs 4 things:

- Awareness that this is the preferred choice of action.

- Freedom from concern that your response will be unreasonable, punitive or blaming.

- Awareness that you will know how to deal with the situation calmly - in a way that does not escalate the matter.

- Knowledge of how to do a ‘screen shot’.

So you need to have a conversation with your child about all of the above – and then be able to follow through on each of them if required.

The second and third points are the major causes of a child’s reluctance to involve a parent – the same as in cases of friendship incidents that occur face to face. Both are equally undesirable: being in trouble and perhaps receiving a ban on the activity, or humiliation from the fall out of a parent’s actions.

So a truthful self-reflection about what your response is likely to be is important. A discussion with your partner and other parents about whether your responses are ‘reasonable’ will help you to clarify this.

You also need to consider what your choices of action would be if your child sought your help. What would be your criteria for deciding whether to contact the parent of the child who sent the message?

Would it be?

- Your child’s emotional reaction.

- The actual content of the message.

- Both of those.

- Your interpretation of the message.

- Your knowledge of the child and their parents.

And how would you address it?

- Phone.

- Email.

- Letter.

Warning: An uninvited visit to another family’s home to deal with these issues, is a choice that spells danger, and is never recommended.

What would you say?

All of these are a good starting point for a discussion between both parents before the situation actually arises. There is no one recommended course of action, as the specific circumstances will determine that. What’s important is that this has been discussed previously so parents are not scrambling around trying to make decisions when decisive action is what’s required.

Friendship Flare Ups

This term and the categorisation into Sparks, Flames and Fires – previously discussed in Chapter 5, is also useful for online events.

What determines the category will be, as with non-cyber Friendship Flare Ups, the intent of the message and the words used. The fact that will cause confusion, is that the body language and the tone of voice that helps to determine these, is missing.

The ‘history’ of the messages, however, will be relevant: that is, is it something that has occurred before – and has it been repetitive? And the answers to these you can only be aware of if you have access to your child’s online conversations – by prior agreement.

DEALING WITH THESE EVENTS

The TOOL of The Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups: Accept, Assert or Argue – discussed in Chapter 5 - is equally as relevant for online friendship issues.

There’s also another important ‘A’ that we have added: ‘Ask’, and more about that follows.

Argue

Firstly, Argue is again ruled out as an option in Friendship Flare Ups – just as it was in play refusals. It is included only to reference what is often the first choice response by many children, and as previously, it is a ‘not to do.’

Ask

‘Ask’ is a sensible thing for any child to do immediately – of the sender, if they receive a cyber message where the intent is not clear – or it sounds aggressive. A quick response of, “Hey, it sounds like you’re a bit angry. What’s happening?” is a reasonable, straightforward and pleasant response.

If the child is still confused, ‘Ask’ again – but this time a parent or an adult – to help in interpreting the message is a sensible choice. This is more likely to occur when there have been a number of unclear messages - or a single message that appears hostile.

Again…the child knowing that asking an adult for help will not result in them losing internet access, or receiving another punishment, needs to be a guarantee.

Accept

The Triple A’s Accept Response will be relevant if the message comes closer to being a Spark. Supa Thinkin then can kick in as a great accompaniment to help some self-soothing and calming down to occur.

Getting physically away from the computer is also an excellent choice: outside to kick the ball, do some deep breathing, run around the park - to get those muscles working, and the calm and happy juices flowing through the brain.

In fact, regular physical breaks during your child’s permitted quota of online time, is something to build into your agreements. Continuous sitting leads to greater potential for irritation, and the likelihood of Stinkin Thinkin if unsure about a message. That’s a FOIL.

Assert

The Triple A’s Assert response is the same as in face to face friendship situations. The only difference is the response occurs via the keyboard. Of course there’s literally ‘written proof’ of the child’s response, and they need to be aware of this.

So brainstorm with your child some responses they would make in the online playground to a variety of comments. They could be those they have actually received, or imagined ones. The exercise is to get them thinking ‘with their fingers’ and to create a mindset about confidently dealing with difficulties in an emotionally healthy way.

Using your own internet experience to teach

Every adult has their own thoughts about the value of social media. A key indicator for involving yourself – even minimally - is that you’ll be a more aware and better teacher for your kids.

Reading with your child through posts and comments on social media provides an opportunity to discuss their meanings, other possible interpretations, their appropriateness and the possible motivations of the person posting them.

So you have an excellent teaching tools to access - even if you don’t wish to write posts or engage in the commentary. It shows how others conduct themselves and can become a healthy shared family discussion.

Additionally, when your child is old enough to create their own social media platforms, you’ll be familiar with the various chat functions and the way in which messages are communicated. You will have a very useful window into your growing child’s online life, and their way of representing themselves.

Fielding another parent’s query regarding whether you ‘know’ what your child has been doing online – means that ‘too late’ has already happened. So we encourage you to get online with your child. Model good online friendship behaviours, take opportunities to discuss issues that you have dealt with, and grow into that space with your child.

Well that finishing line looms up again.

We trust that you have found this journey beneficial and we wish you safe travels.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:

If your child is experiencing distress about friendship issues and it is impacting on their quality of life, general happiness, wish to go to school or any such thing, we strongly recommend that you make an appointment with your family doctor to discuss further. Nipping these issues in the bud early is healthy, and there are solutions.

A one-off appointment with your doctor could be all that is required, or you may receive a referral for some psychological assistance. This is a not a negative; seeking help is healthy and there are many professionals with the skills to help you through a tough spot.

Best wishes,

Helen and Claire

HELPFUL REFERENCES

Davidson, H. (2011). Kidzmix Helping Kids Become Social Heroes.

Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why it matters more than IQ.

Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence: the new science of human relationships.

Grotberg, E., (1995) A Guide To Promoting Resilience in Children: strengthening the human spirit.

Hanson, R. (2014). Hardwiring Happiness.

Siegel, D., (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.

Siegel, D., (2012). Parenting from the Inside Out.

MORE BOOKS BY HELEN & CLAIRE

For Educators and Allied Health Professionals

The HIGHWAY HEROES Series

Module 1 -

Sticking Up 4 Me: Beating Bullying & Taming Teasing (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 2 -

Connecting 4 Friendships: Playground Resilience & Wisdom (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 3 -

Tricks 4 Always Getting Things Done: The Secrets of Staying-power & Grit (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 4 -

Strategies 4 Managing Me: Mood Management & Resilience (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

THE TOOLBOX SERIES 4 KIDS & PARENTS

This series for kids and parents is growing into a very big family. Each and every one of them helps kids and parents find great answers for the tricky stuff that happens to all of us, and you know what that means - happier kids at home, in the classroom, playground… everywhere! Yeah!

The BEST Kids’ & Parents’ Notebooks 4 Beating Bullying & Teasing goes straight to all those ‘must-knows’ – like sorting bullying from teasing, Cool from Cruel Teasing and learning awesome Inside and Outside-TOOLS to deal successfully with each and every one of them.

The BEST Kids’ & Parents’ Notebooks 4 Fixing Friendships teases out those tricky friendship issues that both girls and boys experience – in the same – but also different ways. It’s a complete package of fantastically sensible and effective TOOLS that will leave every parent saying, “This is exactly what I’ve been looking for!”

Coming soon in this series:

The BEST Classroom Toolbox 4 Always Getting Things Done – Super-simple TOOLS 4 motivation, goal-planning, persistence and organisation.
The BEST Emotional Toolbox 4 Resiliently Managing Me – Moods, blow outs, big emotions… Learn awesome Inside-TOOLS to successfully manage them all.