A NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS, CLAIRE AND HELEN

You don’t know it yet, but you’re about to launch yourself into the BEST – yep, that’s right, the BEST Notebook 4 Parents on those very serious issues of bullying and teasing. We know that you will finish with a very full Toolbox to help your child manage the tricky and nasty stuff that happens in Playgrounds.

From Claire: Being the parent of a child who is experiencing bullying or Cruel Teasing causes great emotional pain. You just wish you could shield your child from the reality of life in the Playground. It is so very empowering to teach your child to positively, confidently and assertively stick up for themselves. This fabulous little Notebook has all the TOOLS you and your child will need to understand bullying and teasing and then to step up to managing it. Well done for adding to your child’s social shield.

From Helen: Solutions that work – we’re all looking for them –and your search is over. You’ll find a whole bunch here that will leave you saying, “I’ve found just what I’ve been looking for!” And that’s music to my ears, because I’ve heard lots and lots of stories from lots and lots of kids and parents who struggled to find those answers. And as well as answers, you’ll find skills – lots of those too – and that means you’ll be helping your child lay down a solid social and emotional pathway for their life ahead. Because that’s what we all want isn’t it? Giving kids the best, best chance at this fabulous thing called L-I-F-E that you’ve given them.

Find out more about us here:
www.bestprograms4kids.com

Parents’ Notebook: The BEST Playground Toolbox 4 Beating Bullying & Teasing

First Edition July 2015

© Copyright 2015 BEST Programs 4 Kids (All rights reserved)

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means: electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the authors.

The authors cannot be held responsible for any mishap, injury or damage incurred during the use of or as a result of the information in this book.

Illustrations: Kidzmix Images ©
Image preparation: Steven Orange
Authors & Design: Claire Orange & Helen Davidson

Published by BEST Programs 4 Kids

ISBN: 978-0-9943546-7-9

Website: www.bestprograms4kids.com
Email: info@bestprograms4kids.com

CONTENTS

Introduction

CHAPTER 1 - The GUTTS

Solutions for What?

The Playground Toolbox

Core Concepts and Language

The Symbols

CHAPTER 2 - Six Methods of Skill Building

Role Play: to be ‘Really Practised’

Discussion

Buzz words, sayings

Journal

Imagery

Reward and Celebrate

CHAPTER 3 - Bullying or Teasing?

All about Bullying

All about Teasing

Bullying Targets

Teasing Targets

CHAPTER 4 - Dealing with Bullying and Teasing

Prevention

The PIGS Choices:

The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me

Straight Talk

A Final Note on Straight Talk

The Triple A’s 4 Teasing

CHAPTER 5 - Cyberbullying

It’s Here To Stay

The PIGS Choices ONline

Your Role

Safe At Home

CHAPTER 6 - What If My Child’s The Bully?

Clues

Dealing with It

Helpful References for Parents:

INTRODUCTION

We warmly welcome you to this wonderful book on bullying and teasing – a difficulty for kids where ever they are growing up in the world.

As parents ourselves, we get that parenting is rewarding and hard work in equal measures. We’ve had those moments where we’ve searched for ‘The Manual’ that should have come with this complicated creature we’re parenting, and said, “I wish someone would just tell me what to do!” This Notebook, and the others in the series are based on thousands of hours of clinical experience, proven methods and surprisingly simple solutions for parents and kids. This is ‘The Manual’ for primary school aged children and teaches ‘Smart Life Skills 4 Kids’. We know that if your child understands and masters the skills in this Notebook, it will create patterns of successful social management that will last a lifetime. And your child will have a Toolbox full to the top with TOOLS to best equip them for the realities of life in the Playground.

This Notebook full of GUTTS – now you didn’t expect that did you? Polite sounding – No; essential – Yes – especially when it represents Great, Useful, Tried (& Tested) Solutions – and you can even add on a ‘Y’ – Yeah! - and make it ‘GUTTSY.’ Because we know that GUTTSY stuff is what parents are looking for when it comes to finding answers for the bumps and hazards that crop up for all kids.
Having suspicions or the hard, cold facts that your child is on the receiving end of bullying or cruel teasing, isn’t one of the highlights of parenthood. A whole new chapter is unfolding….and it‘s not going away. So what exactly are you meant to do? Leave your child to figure it out on their own, call the other child’s parents, see the teacher, or just hope…again… that tomorrow will be a better day?

Many, many parents have been there. What is needed has two parts:

1. What to do in the here and now: how to address what’s occurring.

2. A skill building package so your child won’t be in this situation ever again. That means teaching specific, sensible and effective strategies to both deter, and deal with bullying and teasing.

This book has both of those…and more.

So welcome, and let’s get on with it. You won’t be disappointed.

Helen & Claire

CHAPTER 1

THE GUTTS

Great, Useful, Tried (& Tested) Solutions

Solutions for What?

The Playground Toolbox

Core Concepts and Language

Symbols

THE GUTTS

Fantastic that you’re not skipping these first few pages. Even if you have read others in The Toolbox series, Chapter 1 in each of The BEST Parents’ Notebooks gives details specific to that particular book.

We know it’s tempting to just ‘get into’ the nuts and bolts that deals with the difficulties you want to solve, but reading this section really will help you get the most out of this book.

Chapter 2: Six Ways to Build Skills is the same in each book, so if you’ve read it once, you can probably skip this – unless you’re up for a refresher. These six methods are ‘hands on’ learning for kids – which ensures that they can put the skill into action, as opposed to just being able to give a good description of it. They also are fun and interesting – great companions for taking a skill on board and remembering it.

SOLUTIONS FOR WHAT?

So…solutions…For what? What specifically in the world of bullying and teasing are we talking about?

Well, firstly, any sound parental plan for tackling potential – or actual - difficult issues needs to cover:

- Awareness

- Prevention

- Surveillance

- Action

You will find that each of these is addressed throughout this book.

The 6 components of a Bullying and Teasing Plan:

1. Awareness of the common bullying and teasing scenarios that kids come up against.

2. Upskilling your child to try to prevent those situations occurring in the first place.

3. Upskilling to deal with the problems if or when they do occur.

4. Being able to recognise the signs that your child is experiencing difficulties. In this case, being the target of bullying or cruel teasing, or over-reacting and mis-reading situations.

5. Knowing the actions you need to take to address bullying and cruel teasing should they become regular events.

6. More and continued upskilling of your child to protect them from, and help them to deal with future incidents.

The 8 common difficulties that parents experience:

1. “Oh, no, not that again!” Children - particularly those under 8 years of age - may misinterpret any criticism or negative observations as being bullying or teasing - and they make continual complaints to parents and teachers. These ‘false positive’ responses wear down the patience of adults and can have the opposite effect of bullying being not recognised when it does occur. We call it ‘heightened awareness overload’.

2. Missing the signs that their child is being bullied.

3. Recognition that their child is being targeted and wondering and worrying about what to do.

4. Being told that their child is the bully.

5. Feeling emotionally overwhelmed about this and not knowing what to do.

6. Feeling ‘inter-generationally challenged’ by their child’s cyberspace world, so turning a blind eye.

7. Being falsely optimistic that their child was safe online.

8. Feeling overwhelmed about protecting their child online.

The 12 common difficulties that children experience:

1. Not being able to recognise both types of bullying – physical and psychological.

2. Having no other course of action, beyond ignoring the bullying.

3. Body language that communicates they are a target.

4. Being unaware how to stand up to a bully – both with words and body language.

5. Confusing an assertive with an aggressive response to bullying and teasing.

6. Being too scared to tell anyone about bullying because they think it will make it worse.

7. Knowing what the safe choices are for a bystander.

8. Not knowing how to address cyberbullying.

9. Being caught up in cyberbullying and being too scared to tell anyone.

10. Being confused about whether teasing is meant to be nasty.

11. Having effective responses to milder teasing.

12. Knowing how to respond to nasty teasing so that it stops.

THE PLAYGROUND TOOLBOX

Toolboxes are handy things: everything sitting there ready to do its job - hopefully, in good working order - and easy to find. Even if not, it’s reassuring to know that ‘somewhere here’ you’ve got the TOOL that will unlock some answers and get things working again.

This Playground Toolbox is one that helps kids to figure out 1) what is happening in their peer world 2) gain some understanding of it and 3) have some ways to respond that will solve difficulties or stop them getting bigger.

The playground is rich with learning experiences – some would say as many as in the classroom.

We once heard a worldwide expert on this area say that “Primary school is a little bit about learning to read and write, and a lot about learning how to get on with others and be part of a community.” Perhaps you agree.

In general, the playground and social relationships are certainly an area of school where kids seem to get into the most strife. The playground is unstructured - sometimes ‘lawless’ - and additionally, there’s minimal adult supervision.

There are some rules – but not as many as in the classroom. For many children this freedom doesn’t provide the boundaries they need to manage their emotions, rein in their impulsivity, make good choices - and generally behave in ways that more structured circumstances seem to make easier for them.

That’s one of the reasons that children need TOOLS – skills – to respond to the many different variables with which they’re dealing. And unlike reading and writing, they aren’t skills in which you necessarily receive instruction. There’s a presumption they will be learned through experience – which certainly most eventually do. However, it’s not assured that they will necessarily be the skills that will have the best emotional or social outcomes for the child, and the time frame required can sorely test everyone.

Really, we’re talking about ‘people skills’ – negotiating the many, many situations that come up in every day interactions, and dealing with them in a way that doesn’t lead to distress, danger or poor outcomes – for anyone. A good question, therefore, is: so why shouldn’t kids get the chance to have a mini course in some of the tried and tested ways to successfully handle these?
Exactly!

We think they should – and that’s why we’ve written this book – and possibly, why you’re reading it.

The TOOLS in The BEST Playground Toolbox that you will be learning about are all practical, effective, emotionally and psychologically healthy, involve no physical risk and have been validated by many, many thousands of children – and their parents.

CORE CONCEPTS AND LANGUAGE

Common terms are used throughout all of The Toolbox series, representing the core concepts of social and emotional skills.

The social skills in The Toolbox series are divided into ‘reactive’ social skills and ‘pro-social skills’.

Reactive social skills – essentially the topic of this book – are those required to deal with the more confrontational situations of the playground. Those like being excluded, bullied, maliciously teased, or in some way treated in an undeserving way.

Pro-social skills - are those which involve the child taking the initiative to approach others, and to make the connection – like being friendly or asking to join in games. These skills are the focus of The BEST Playground Toolbox 4 Fixing Friendships.

Inside and Outside TOOLS

We teach children that every single one of us has two groups of TOOLS to help us manage our lives. They’re called very simply, ‘Inside’ and ‘Outside’ TOOLS.

Inside-TOOLS:

In each of the Kids’ Notebooks we talk about ‘Inside-TOOLS’ and ‘Outside-TOOLS.’ The Inside-TOOLS are the ones to do with emotional self-management:

1. Managing your thinking

2. Calming down

3. Ignoring

The Outside-TOOLS are those that are generally ‘on show’ to others – the ‘what you do’ and the ‘what you say’ in a given situation.

Your child in the owner of their Inside-TOOLS – they are the Chief Executive Officer. These TOOLS are unseen, they make no noise and cause no fuss. And that ‘Executive’ isn’t just a quip: these skills form part of what is often also referred to as a child’s ‘Executive Functions’. Their hub is located in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain – the area inside of and behind your forehead. Executive Functioning is a function of the maturing, rational brain – where your child learns to self-soothe, talk themselves out of their immediate irrational, emotional reactions. This area is covered in more detail in both The BEST Classroom Toolbox 4 Always Getting Things Done and The BEST Emotional Toolbox 4 Managing Me.

Inside-TOOLS – especially for children - are not widely advertised – in fact, they’re rarely given any airplay. The awareness that a child is capable of working on themselves ‘from the inside out’ – and that this can be taught – is unknown to many adults.

In fact, if you asked most adults, “So how do you manage feelings of worry – from ‘the inside?’” – you would more than likely draw a blank. Most people would opt for explanations about their exercise routines, ‘comfort’ food and favourite hobbies – all of which are good examples of Outside-TOOLS.

Try asking your child the same question: “What would do you do at school if you were in trouble for something you didn’t do – but no-one was listening to your explanation? You were angry and upset and you had to deal with those feelings by yourself?

A tough situation for a child to emotionally manage – but certainly not an uncommon one.

1. The Inside-Tool of Managing Your Thinking

The top Inside-TOOL is to be aware of your thinking. That is, recognising the ‘self-talk’ or the internal dialogue - which we all have with ourselves. It is our running life commentary – unknown and unseen by others. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world”.

Your interpretation of what’s occurring around you and the conversation that you have with yourself about that, makes a difference to your emotional response.

Your child will be reading about ‘Stinkin Thinkin’ and its close relative, ‘Supa Thinkin’ – although ‘close’ only in name. These thinking styles represent the opposite ends of the spectrum:

- Stinkin Thinkin is pessimistic, fearing the worst.

- Supa Thinkin is optimistic and hopeful.

You’ve no doubt heard these two referred to as the ‘glass half-empty and the glass half-full’ attitude. Which one do you think comes closer to describing your thinking style?

Opening up a child’s awareness to the power of their self-talk is hugely beneficial. It gives them one of the building blocks in the foundation of emotional awareness, and it’s also a TOOL for mood management.

Awareness of our self-talk is one of the drivers of emotional ‘self- regulation’. This is a term that is used to refer to our ability to:

- Manage our emotions.

- To tame emotions when they’re disruptive or unhelpful to a situation.

- To increase energy when motivation is required.

This is the ‘loop’ that describes the link between what you think about something, how that contributes to your feelings and mood - which then is the impetus for your behaviour. We call it ‘The Thinking, Feeling, Behaving Loop’.

Emotional self-regulation and mood management is a big topic, and there is much that a parent can do to help their child to develop good habits in this area, which is why it is the topic of another book in this series – The Emotional Toolbox 4 Managing Me.

In this book you’ll be hearing about how children knowing about their Supa Thinkin and Stinkin Thinkin is also a fabulous TOOL for dealing successfully with bullying and teasing.

2. The Inside-TOOL of Calming Down

“Calm down!” “Hurry up!” Does this sound familiar? Yes, they’re two phrases that get quite a work-out in most families. They are both at opposite ends of the self-regulation spectrum – one being taming feelings - and the other being turbo-charging them. Which one happens most in your home?

The ability to Calm Down is a top-drawer, high priority self-regulation skill in the excitable, impulsive and energetic world of children. And it’s not only for those positive emotional states, it also is the Hero of dealing with anger, jealousy and worry. It’s a foundational skill in Mental Hygiene – for children and adults.

Interesting isn’t it? There is lots and lots of emphasis on Dental Hygiene – special toothpaste for kids, toothbrushes that accommodate little hands, focused parental instruction, twice daily querying about whether ‘it’s’ been done, and even discipline threatened if it hasn’t. This is seen as one very important skill. And of course it is, we get it….Really!

Imagine though, if developing the Inside-TOOLS for emotional self-management – for Mental Hygiene – were given the same priority. If in every home, there was a twice daily check in about practicing a skill – called ‘calming down’ – that actually lead to better emotional health? A skill that - as we now know through recent Neuroscience research - actually helped a child to develop brain wiring that was more adept at emotional self-management. Would your family be willing to take this up?

Do you think improved mood management by EVERYONE in the family would lead to more harmony? More joy, love? It’s a no- brainer really isn’t it?

In fact, a commitment to teaching skills of emotional self- regulation to kids, could probably change the world. Really.

Teaching the skill of Calming Down can be as simple as introducing your child to the concept of focused patterns of breathing. It sounds ridiculously simple, however, the physiological mechanism of taking a deep breath encourages more oxygen into the brain, into tight muscles and most of us do it sub-consciously in moments of high stress. “Breathe, just breathe” is something that parents the world over mutter under their breath a million times a day.

So teaching a child how to breathe to overcome emotional overload make simple sense. As with all the processes that we teach, we like to give children a simple series of steps to follow so that when they are in overwhelm they can just start process. This, obviously, is aided by practising these skills on a regular basis so they just become a TOOL that a child automatically reaches for. Here’s how we teach breathing to children – and if you would like to read more on this subject, there is a whole section in The BEST Emotional Toolbox for Managing Me.

Step 1:

Be very quiet – no talking.

Step 2:

Focus your eyes on something – even a tiny speck on the wall.

Step 3:

Breathe in and blow out like you’re blowing a bubble. Careful – don’t pop it! Do this 3 times.

Step 4:

Use calm Supa Thinkin. ‘I’m OK. It’s not that bad. Calm down.’

Step 5:

Relax your neck, your shoulders, your arms, and your legs. Make them loose and floppy. REPEAT until you’re calm.

3. The Inside-TOOL of Ignoring

Ignoring is a popular response choice that parents and teachers suggest to kids the world over. “Just ignore it and it will go away” could be the most commonly said 8 word sentence in any language. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a child learning to tolerate something unpleasant, until such time as it resolves.

In fact, being able to ignore an irritation or a distraction is one of the TOOLS we teach children, and we rate it highly: it’s up there….alongside teeth cleaning….Although we do suggest that you leave out that very popular – but, in this case, rather misleading little word ‘- just’ - whenever it precedes an invitation to learn a new skill.

That’s because ‘just’ is often connected with a sense of ease: ‘If he would only just do what he’s told’; ‘If she would just learn to have a go’. It’s one of those words that denies the energy, angst or plain old hard work that’s required to achieve whatever it is that you’re ‘just’ supposed to be doing or learning.

So ignoring is a very helpful TOOL that enables you to not react negatively to a situation – but it is certainly not the only TOOL – or even the best TOOL for many situations that a child encounters.

Ignoring can be taught as a mind-distraction technique. Humming a song in your head instead of listening to the chatter in class. Visualising a fantastic holiday experience as you walk past that kid who always has something smart to say on the way out of school.

We talk about ignoring. Instead, we need to teach a child how to ignore - as a positive and proactive life skill. So think about how you might ignore the loud chatter in the car whilst trying to concentrate on the road. What do you do?

Outside-TOOLS

Outside TOOLS aren’t as mysterious as the Insiders. They’re in full view and include our behaviour and actions. Effective use of Outside-TOOLS, however, is connected to the presence and activation of the Inside-TOOLS.

Picture this: A father angrily stomping up to the umpire of his son’s football match whilst waving his arms around and with a finger raised ready to poke a chest. Hmmm.

Good evidence that Dad’s Inside-TOOLS are out to lunch, his Stinkin Thinkin: ‘What a complete idiot; I’ll teach him not to wreck my son’s footy career….’ is running the show, and adult reason is nowhere to be seen. Things could get very messy…possibly nasty.

That father’s Outside-TOOLS probably are there….somewhere. They include the ability to:

- Have an assertive conversation – later - about what he believes was the umpire’s error.

- Share his frustration – rationally – with another parent standing close by.

Right at that moment though, you’d be hard pressed to think that the father had any Outside-TOOLS that he could swing into action. And it would be hard to bring them on board if his Inside-TOOLS hadn’t been given a piece of the action earlier. Yep, Supa Thinkin and calming down have missed the chance to put Dad on the path to a rational conversation.

What a fabulous skill to teach a child though – how to stay calm when under pressure - by using an Inside-TOOL, followed by an Outside-TOOL. These can then both swing into action and result in successfully dealing with a difficult situation – without the emotional destruction of yourself or someone else. ‘Successful’ being measured by getting across your message clearly, powerfully and in a way that means it has some chance of being heeded rather than ignored.

The Outside-TOOLS that your child will be learning about to deal with bullying and teasing are:

- The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me

- The Triple A’s 4 Dealing with Teasing

- The PIGS Choices

- Straight Talk 4 Bullying and Teasing

Make sense? They will – and also, they’ll make for emotionally healthy success. We’ll be looking at those skills in detail in Chapter 4.

THE SYMBOLS

Throughout both this book and the companion Kids’ Notebook, various symbols represent The Toolbox series key concepts and skills. You may have already seen some of these in this book – they tell you to look out for that skill in the section you’re reading. These are the symbols that are relevant to this book:

Stinkin Thinkin: Negative thinking; representing a negative mindset. Often described as the ‘glass half-empty’, pessimistic, fears the worst.

Supa Thinkin: Optimistic, has hope and predicts that things will go reasonably. Connected with greater emotional resilience and is often described as being the ‘glass half-full.’

Calming Down: The ability to self-monitor emotional states and to use breathing as a simple TOOL to change the body’s physiological - and the mind’s psychological - reactions to stress.

FOPL: A Fact of Playground Life: The inevitable ups and downs of playground relationships and interactions.

FOIL: A Fact of Internet Life: The internet happenings that are unacceptable – but happen regardless.

The Triple A’s 4 Teasing: A choice of 3 actions – each one beginning with an ‘A’ – for responding to a situation. For teasing they are Agree, Ask a Question and Ask to Stop.

The PIGS Choices 4 Bullying: 4 choices that a child has if they are either being bullied or a bystander witnessing bullying

Bump: A common difficulty that everyone meets along the Highway of the Life. Learning specific skills helps everyone to deal with Bumps safely – both physically and emotionally.

Hazard: More serious difficulties that have the potential to cause harm both physically and emotionally. They are still common, although everyone will experience different Hazards according to their life circumstances. Hazards need to be recognised and dealt with safely.

The ‘Park your Brain’ sign occurs only in the Kids’ Notebook. It is the last page of each Chapter and is a summary of what has been covered. Some reflective tasks may be suggested for the child to undertake at home.

CHAPTER 2

SIX METHODS OF SKILL BUILDING

Role Play

Discussion

Imagery

Buzz Words and Sayings

Journal

Reward and Celebrate

SIX METHODS OF SKILL BUILDING

Throughout The Toolbox series, you will meet the same ways of helping your child to embed these skills. That’s because they work. Here’s how these methods can be used in relation to skilling your child to deal successfully with bullying and teasing:

- Role play

- Discussion

- Buzz words, sayings

- Journal

- Imagery

- Reward and celebrate

ROLE PLAY: TO BE ‘REALLY PRACTISED’

We guarantee you that the best way to learn something is to watch others doing it, and then to do it yourself – repeatedly. Just as you can’t learn to ride a bike by watching a video, the same applies to social and emotional skills: you need to walk the walk and talk the talk.

Often people are confused about this. They believe that repetition only applies to learning a physical skill - like tying your shoe laces, or learning to use a knife and fork. True, these are motor skills that require constant repetition to train the muscles involved, but it’s no different for psychological and emotional skills. They also have their own ‘muscles’- or brain circuitry – that is laid down and strengthened when psychological skills - like meditation - are embedded through practice – over and over and over again.

So don’t be fooled by the, “Hey Mum, Dad, I only need to read that stuff and I’ll be able to handle Freddie when he bullies me again.” Not true! Using the words and body language in role plays at home – in an ‘out of the crisis’, stress free moment when you can make a mistake – and in fact is all part of the learning - is the key to mastery. Practice makes progress.

A positive, however, is that generally kids love role play; adults – different story – so you shouldn’t have too much of an argument on your hands convincing your child to have a go.

Here are some tips to get the role plays happening smoothly in your household:

- Do 10-15 minute sessions regularly, rather than a longer session less frequently

- Choose 10-15 minutes when there are limited distractions, and everyone is feeling relaxed and happy

- Make the role plays fun rather than a ‘lesson’

- Decide on the target skill e.g., ‘The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me’ (page X in this book)

- Move around to music to ‘loosen up’

- Each person can choose their role. Agree to swap roles after 5 minutes or 2 role plays

- Discuss how to give each other feedback – before you start the role play – and then, how that will occur. For example, the feedback about being more assertive could be, “Try saying that in a stronger voice” or, “You look much more assertive when you keep your chin up”

- Agree on how often to give feedback, for example, “Let’s do that after we’ve done the role plays twice”

- Agree that comments will be respectful, and involve no ridicule or teasing

- At the end, each participant should ‘de-role’ from their role play character by stating that their actions and opinions were part of the role, and they were not personally directed against anyone. This is particularly important when the role plays have involved threatening, aggressive or nasty words and actions.

- If, despite your best efforts, your child is still reluctant to participate in role plays, allow them to observe others performing them, or discuss with the teacher the possibilities for classroom practice.

DISCUSSION

Talking regularly with your child about their progress in putting the skills into action definitely helps. This does have the potential to cause conflict, with the child feeling nagged and pressured, so try to agree at the beginning how often these discussions will occur. Try to get an agreement that:

- The child will practice the skill with their peers within the week in which it is role-played with parent(s).

- During the week you will have 2 conversations about their progress.

- These conversations can be as brief as 5 minutes.

- At the end of that week, the child chooses whether to try out another skill, or to keep working on the same one.

Some helpful questions to ask are:

“What helped when you tried out the skill?”

“What wasn’t helpful?”

“How would you score your success out of 10?”

“What will you do the same, and what will you do differently the next time?”

“How close are you to feeling confident using the skill?”

Reflective Listening

If, despite your most friendly, reasonable parent approach, your child is still resisting any discussion, don’t make demands and turn this into conflict. Instead, use ‘reflective listening’ – that is hold off making any persuasive suggestions or critical comments about what your child has just said – or done.

Rather, simply reflect back the emotion you think your child is experiencing right at that moment. For example, “You sound like you’re feeling pretty fed up with me wanting to talk about it. It’s hard for all of us when you think that you’re being nagged about something.” And for the moment, leave it at that.

We have 2 ears and 1 tongue, so we should listen more and talk less.
Diogenes

If the reply you receive is to continue complaining about your intrusive questioning, keep the reflective listening going using different words, but with the same emphasis: “Yes, it can be difficult when you feel pressured to answer.” Don’t try to get an answer. If the complaining keeps happening, finish the conversation with a broadly affirming comment such as, “It’s not always easy doing this stuff, and it takes lots of courage to try, and I admire what you’ve been doing. Perhaps another time, we’ll be able to talk about it.”

Expressing empathy, such as: “It’s hard for all of us……” is a teaching moment in itself – regardless of the outcome. It demonstrates that you are picking up on your child’s emotions; that you’re willing to express it, and that you know what that feeling is like.

On another day, try again, and begin the conversation with, “Last time I wanted to talk about how you were going trying out your new skills, you weren’t keen to talk. I’m wondering if now might be a better time?” Again, this is a respectful way of acknowledging past feelings and enquiring about any attitude shift that might have occurred. You are demonstrating being ‘a curious enquirer’ - who trusts that your child has their own views about what works for them – and you are willing to consider them.

If that approach also doesn’t yield any results, begin another conversation a few days later concerning your own experience of trying out the same skill that your child has been learning. The conversation might go something like this:

‘You might be surprised to hear this, but I tried out The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me at work today. Remember that person I’ve mentioned sometimes: the one who thinks it’s cool and funny to laugh at my height?

Well, today he did it one time too many. So when he said it, I took a deep breath and said, “That’s insulting and offensive. Never say it again.” I felt completely calm; I said it in my normal voice and everyone – including him – knew that I meant it. Later when I passed him in the corridor, he apologised.”

You are a great role model, and talking out your experiences with your own skills development is an excellent way of demonstrating that adults also need this sort of practice, and that social and emotional learning is ongoing.

Don’t become disheartened if your child is not cooperating with this type of dialogue. Making the attempt to have it, going through the motions, expressing an interest and coming up with suggestions, communicates and teaches much, much more than keeping it a ‘no go’ lane where it’s not safe for anyone to enter.

BUZZ WORDS, SAYINGS

Another reminder to use the language of the book when you’re talking about playgrounds, daily life, relationships - anything really.

- The concepts of ‘Stinkin Thinkin’ and ‘Supa Thinkin’ have applicability to life in general.

- ‘The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me’ applies in any bullying situation – child or adult’s.

- ‘Straight Talk’ describes any directly assertive communication; there are many FOPL’s – Fact of Playground Life - just like there are many FOAL’s: ‘Facts of Adult Life.’

- And you can probably think up your own ‘Triple A’s’ to apply to many situations – whether it’s ‘Accept’, ‘Assert’ or ‘Agree.’

The more you make this language part of daily life, the more glue will attach to the skills and embed them in daily life.

The language can be through the words you speak to your children or through seeing these concepts up and around your house as posters and visual reminders.

The more often your child sees and hears about ways to manage themselves and their environment, the more competent and confident they will become at managing the FOPL’s as they arise.

JOURNAL

This is a different take on writing a diary. It concerns beginning a story about the child’s endeavor to master – and use - these Playground TOOLS, and tracking their progress through the story. Depending on the child’s age – and language abilities – the story can be written in the 1st person e.g. ‘I was getting teased about my new glasses;’ or as the narrator, ‘Amy had been bullied at her old school. She was scared it would happen again.’ It can also be co-authored with a parent – who is adding on their own observations of what the child is achieving - and what it is like to be observing that process. The parent is being a ‘witness’ to the child’s endeavours and this becomes part of the story.

Any of these styles will be effective, but what is fundamentally important is to use it as a ‘living story.’ This means that it is read by the child regularly - both on their own, with, and to a parent - or any other interested party. On first thinking about this, it possibly doesn’t sound very powerful. But it is surprisingly so, - and the more the child relates, gives voice to, and especially, has an audience that is hearing about their challenges and triumphs - the more that becomes a part of the child’s new story about their life on the playground – and themselves.

If you’re interested in finding out more about this way of helping children find a voice in creating an identity where they are succeeding, read about ‘Narrative Therapy’ – an established psychological therapy for both children and adults. More details are available in the bibliography on page.

IMAGERY

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”
Albert Einstein

Imagery is the process of visualizing a scene unfolding in your ‘mind’s eye. It is an effective way to memorize the steps of a skill, and to gain the confidence to perform it. No props or other assistance is required, and it can be done privately anywhere. This technique is widely used by actors and elite sportspersons in preparation for a performance or game. It is very powerful when practiced repeatedly.

Situations for which you could use imagery to help your child with various social situations are:

- Seeing themselves being successfully included in a game.

- Responding confidently to a Normal Refusal.

- Responding assertively if it was a Nasty Refusal.

It is important to have the visualisation ending in a successful outcome – e.g., the child responding assertively – even if the scenario itself involves some negativity.

The most effective way to use imagery is to have the child sit comfortably in a relaxed manner while you describe the scenario to be visualised, suggesting what emotions they might be feeling and their possible reactions.

An example of an imagery script for the skill of responding to Cruel Teasing is on the following page. This script can be modified to suit your child’s language level and specific situation.

An Imagery script for responding to Cruel Teasing:

You’ve received a lot of teasing from the new girl in your class. She’s been calling you ‘Super Slow Sally’ because you came last in your race in the swimming carnival. You pretended that you didn’t hear it at first, but she didn’t stop. Now she says it every day, usually when you’re on your own, and sometimes she whispers it even when you’re in class.

You’ve told the teacher but you want to know what to say if she whispers it and no-one else hears. So you try to keep away from her – because that’s what the adults have told you to do – and that’s been working.

One day you’re standing last in the canteen line, without any of your friends around. She stands behind you and whispers ‘Super Slow Sally.’ You take a deep slow breath, turn quickly around and say in a loud – but not shouting voice: “Stop your nasty comments. It’s nasty and unfair!” You look her straight in the eyes for 3 seconds and then turn away. Other kids in the canteen line turn around and the new girl quickly walks away. Someone says to you, ‘Don’t you like her’ and you say, ‘I’m sticking up for myself, because I’ve had enough!’

You feel so strong and proud and you think ‘Can’t wait to tell Mum and Dad about this!’

REWARD AND CELEBRATE

When your child begins their coaching, brainstorm ideas about how they would like to celebrate their future success. Here are some ideas – with the important caveat: No Money Must Change Hands. Parental wallets must stay firmly closed. Locked In fact.

- Break any skill into ‘Levels’ of achievement and decide what the criteria are for each Level. For example ‘Level 1 of The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me’ may be completing the first role play demonstration of it. ‘Level 2’ is when the role play has been done with another person, and so on until ‘Level 5’ involves responding with the Six Step Stick Up 4 Me in a bullying situation.

- Award Championship Certificates for reaching each Level. Present them at a family ‘Championship Awards’ day.

- Spread the good news about achievements by showing the Certificates to aunts, uncles and grandparents.

- If you are also doing a Journal (as above) include the skill level attained, photos of Certificates and the presentation.

- Write a poem, a song, or make up a dance about the skill that has been learned. Video it’s launch.

- Create an object out of any household material – newspaper, jars, lids - to create a symbol of the skill learned, and start a “My Awards Collection.”

- Do anything that signifies: ‘Learning this skill is important and we’re going to celebrate it.’ That means parents too!

CHAPTER 3

BULLYING OR TEASING?

All about Bullying

All about Teasing

Bullying Targets

Teasing Targets

BULLYING OR TEASING?

It is important to understand the difference between bullying and teasing. The word ‘bullying’ strikes fear into the hearts of children and parents – and there’s an associated sense of ‘catastrophe’ associated with the word. Using the word and categorising experiences as being bullying can often lead to lots of Stinkin Thinkin and perhaps an over-reaction.

The child who is able to label ‘teasing’ as ‘teasing’ - and not ‘bullying’ - immediately has a more empowered mind-set for dealing with it.

Words are important – they scale experiences and change the way we think about and deal with experiences. Encourage your child to choose their words carefully, so that teasing gets tamed and bullying gets acknowledged and given the intense focus it deserves.

ALL ABOUT BULLYING

No longer regarded as being a ‘normal part of growing up’, bullying is a topic that has increasingly come under the spotlight and its link to poor mental health outcomes has become aligned in the public’s mind.

It’s now generally acknowledged that bullying occurs in playgrounds, online, workplaces, families, sports clubs, and even in venerable and revered organisations. In fact, it occurs potentially anywhere that people of all ages collectively gather, occupy or reside in one form or another. Not a heart-warming thought, but a reality that is better addressed than not. Yes, bullying is a ‘FORL’- a ‘Fact of Real Life’.

So it’s also a reality that many children will experience and witness bullying at school and elsewhere - particularly as their peer network expands and there’s less adult supervision.

What can be done about this? We think that the following are a good start:

- Acknowledge that bullying occurs.

- Recognise that action is required for change.

- Upskill children to identify and deal with bullying in an empowered way, as early, positively and assertively as possible.

- Give importance to school-wide initiatives that deter bullying.

- Provide parents with guidance and effective resources so they are partners in deterring bullying.

- Help parents to help their kids to develop both the attitude and the skills to deter bullying.

When you finish this book, you will be well on your way to ticking all of those points.

Types of Bullying

Bullying doesn’t come in a one size fits all model, there’s two broad categories - Psychological and Physical. Helping kids to distinguish between those is an excellent start for learning how to deal with both of them.

Psychological Bullying:

In the Kids’ Notebook this is the chart that explains the different types of Psychological Bullying – which can occur both face to face and online.

Physical Bullying:

Physical Bullying – doing intentional harm to someone’s body – or threatening to, is the category that children usually cite when asked what bullying is. This is the chart that your child will see in The Kids’ Notebook.

Try to have a discussion about either or both of these. Talk about examples that you may have experienced as a child, and query your child’s experience, as a target or a bystander.

Bullying at School:

The playground is ripe for bullying: lots of peer interactions, groups forming and re-forming, few rules, competitive games, varying abilities and interests, high emotions, impulsive actions and minimal adult supervision.

It’s fair to say that it’s an arena where you need lots of skills to deal with events – but ‘Experience’ is the Head Teacher.

I pay the schoolmaster, but it is the boys on the playground who educate my son.
Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Most schools will have an ‘anti- bullying policy’ – a positive step and a positive acknowledgement of the hazards of bullying. However, the success of such policies is determined by multiple variables. Without a whole of school philosophy that deters bullying – between staff, parents to teachers, teacher to child, child to child, child to teacher, parents to teachers and parents to parents – much less will be achieved than if this was in place.

It’s worth querying the anti-bullying policy at your child’s school, particularly how it is put into effect to deter bullying, as opposed to only surfacing when it has occurred.

Bullying gender differences:

Yes, there are commonalities between how boys and girls bully but also some big differences.

Girls and bullying: Broadly, girls bullying is often called ‘relational’ or ‘social’, which means that the intent is to:

- Harm a child’s peer reputation or social relationships

- Isolate or reject someone

- Convey the message that they are undesirable or generally not worthy of being included

Relational bullying usually comprises covert methods - such as spreading rumours or giving ambiguous messages about whether someone is welcome or not. This leads to confusion and self- doubt about what actually is occurring.

Relational bullying in primary school-aged girls may include actions such as:

- Deciding who someone is ‘allowed’ to play with.

- Making threats of exclusion or other retributions – if this direction is not followed.

- Encouraging others to exclude a girl from various activities or from a particular group.

- Agreeing to include a girl in a group or game and then actively ensuring that it doesn’t occur.

- Consistently behaving in ways that exclude someone.

- Denying the excluding is occurring – and blaming the child who is complaining about it.

- Spreading rumours that detract from someone’s reputation.

As always it is the repetition of the behaviour that distinguishes it as bullying - rather than being a one-off or occasional nasty action.

Parents are often surprised that relational bullying can commence as early as 6 or 7 years of age. In these younger years it more commonly takes the form of wanting an exclusive friendship with one or two girls, and being controlling about who they are permitted to interact with. It is the intensity of this, and the threats - or actions - of actual retribution that distinguish this as bullying.

You will never reach higher ground if you are always pushing others down.
Jeffrey Benjamin

There may also be physical assaults on younger girls – a slap, a shove or a kick – possibly from a girl who is more impulsive, uninhibited and becomes angry quickly. Generally, however, bullying amongst girls of all ages, involves less physical actions than in boys’ bullying.

As girls mature, relational bullying can be harder to detect. With greater psychological awareness and more sophisticated ways to manipulate others, it’s not too difficult to intentionally cause misery to a peer. Add in mature language skills to the mix, and a girl who is bullying can be a formidable enemy. The covert nature of relational bullying also throws up a smokescreen that confuses even an adult’s awareness of what is actually occurring.

Boys and bullying: Bullying amongst boys generally involves more threats of – and actual - physical assaults – and this occurs more frequently with age. Creating fear and demonstrating power is key, and those who appear physically weaker, more vulnerable and less likely to defend themselves, will be the more likely targets.

If the targeted boy’s response is ‘entertaining’ - by way of losing his temper, dissolving into tears and spitting out threats, he will be singled out for more targeting. Not fair? Yes, absolutely…but a FOPL.

Offensive comments concerning a perceived – or an actual – lack of skills – sporting and otherwise – are ‘traded’ publicly more frequently between boys. Their ‘offense value’ is dependent on the child’s perception of them, their emotional response and their ability to publicly rebut them.

As with girls, the boy who is more impulsive, has less control over his emotions and is generally seen as being ‘explosive’, can be involved in physical altercations even in the very early school years – and can quickly earn himself the title of being ‘the bully’ – perhaps unjustifiably.

Intentional physical assaults - aimed at causing harm - are a red light - regardless of the boy’s age. If it persists, a thorough assessment of what is occurring for this boy in his family and also both academically and socially is warranted. Depending on the outcomes of those assessments, individual and family therapy could be options to pursue.

Covert relational bullying with the aim of exclusion is rarely a feature of boys’ bullying. However, boys will be excluded from games and activities, which is often related to their sporting prowess - too high or not high enough – or because their behaviour is regarded as being dominant or controlling.

The refusal will be communicated directly and not necessarily kindly - with often a denigration of his skills or himself. Knowing how to respond assertively in the moment, to save humiliation, and to ensure it’s not a regular happening, is important. We’ll be covering the ‘how-to-do’s’ of that soon.

Although you may find it hard to view any of this positively, one ameliorating factor is that what boys deal with is predominantly publicly ‘out there’, and their response can be just as direct and powerful. That doesn’t mean physically abusive retaliation – but rather being calm, strong and powerful in manner and words - showing they’re not a pushover and that they’ve got grit.

In a nutshell, making it very clear to their peers that they’re not applying for the position of being the perpetual victim.

ALL ABOUT TEASING

One of the outcomes of the increased publicity regarding bullying has been a blurring of the boundaries between how it differs from teasing; the two tend to be lumped together– particularly by children. It’s harder to be as definitive about teasing as it is about bullying: it has more ‘variations’. And that can result in a misreading of the teaser’s intentions, and knowing what is an effective and appropriate response.

The BEST Playground Toolbox makes two distinctions between teasing: ‘Cool’ and ‘Cruel’ – and our experience teaching kids has proven this to be a winner that they understand and can put into effect.

Cool Teasing: Is that which has no malicious intent; possibly a clumsy attempt at making a connection or an impulsive comment of no significance. It can also be a distinguishing feature of a friendship where comments about each other are reciprocally ‘traded’- in fun. This is more likely to be the case for the older primary school age group – mostly boys - who have developed more sophisticated language skills, and can interpret double meanings and inference.

Cruel Teasing: Is a purposeful intent to humiliate or cause distress to another person – and once achieved - continuing it, despite the repercussions. The focus of Cruel Teasing comments is usually personal or family-related, and is done both privately and publicly.

Cruel Teasing can also be the continuance of Cool Teasing which the child has requested ceases – but continues relentlessly.

This is the poster that your child is reading about in the Kids’ Notebook to teach them how to differentiate between Cool and Cruel Teasing. It’s a great resource to put up on the fridge or a spot at home that’s frequently accessed.

Here is an activity to do with your child which will help with understanding the distinction.

Cool or Cruel Teasing?

Cool

Cruel

“I’m going to call you ‘Book Worm’ because you’re always reading.”

“Jane, Jane does your Mum think you’re a pain?”

“Did Mickey Mouse lend you those shoes?”

“Hey Genius. I’m going to call you that because you always get everything right.”

“You have the biggest nose I’ve ever seen. Seriously, bigger than a tent!”

“I think you should be called ‘Hairy’, not Harry!”

“Hey curly top. Did you know that the curls bring the girls? Ooooohhh!”

“You must have lots of girlfriends. You always hang out with the girls.”

“Your family must be rotten because they go to Church every Sunday.”

“Did you really try to lose that race or are you just a slow runner?”

“Boys haven’t got any brains. Go eat some dirt. Boys are good at that!”

BULLYING TARGETS

In almost every classroom there will be one or two children who are the targets of bullies. There will be something about their appearance, mannerisms, personality, body language, skills - or lack of them - that lets a bully know that this person will be a ‘target with benefits.’

There are also situations where a child does not have any particularly outstanding characteristics, but for some reason, they attract the attention of a bully who just happens to be in their social sphere.

Regardless of the cause, however, the manner in which the targeted child responds the first time, will set the tone for what happens thereafter. If the child:

- Responds assertively with power and confidence, the bully will more than likely leave them alone.

- Ignores the bullying, the bully will know that they can have another try.

- Loses their temper and control of their response - the bully will know it’s been a good choice.

- Cries, the bully will be delighted.

- Responds in a way that others find entertaining, the bully has been successful.

Similarly the bully has succeeded if there are bystanders who:

- Pretend they haven’t seen what’s occurred.

- Find it entertaining.

- Cheer on the bully.

- Say nothing.

- Do nothing.

- Tell no-one.

In Chapter 5 we discuss the PIGS Choices, an acronym which outlines the four options available to a child who is being bullied - or a bystander who is observing it.

As mentioned earlier, there are certain distinguishing characteristics that will draw a bully to a particular child. Many of these will be features that in some way signal, “I can’t stand up for myself”, demonstrate physical or emotional vulnerability or indicate a lack of power.

Another group that will be targeted are those children whose behaviours are considered to be consistently and continuously annoying, e.g., talking or laughing very loudly, is restless and extremely active, interrupts and interferes. The bully will protest that s/he is unable to tolerate it, the child is “doing it on purpose” and that justice is being done.

It is often overlooked that a child with these behaviours could be a potential target - as their ‘exuberance’ is misread as confidence. Whilst the more tolerant children will often choose to ignore them, and manage their frustration in other ways, the bully opts for verbal or physical abuse.

If you believe that your child could fall into either of these categories – or others that would put them at risk of being a target of bullying, it is essential to be proactive about skills coaching – regardless of the school’s bullying policy.

If you identify your child’s potential to be a target before schooling commences, then coaching should be done before the first steps are taken into that playground. As mentioned, this can be done gently by focusing on only one skill. The aim is not to make your child hyper-alert, vigilant and anticipating daily insults, but to help them to start, and continue, their schooling confidently and positively. Yes, the school should be able to protect children from bullying, but the reality is that it still occurs even when there is a school ethos that doesn’t tolerate it. There’s absolutely no harm in making sure your child can manage situations that they may come up against.

If the potential for being bullied becomes apparent later, don’t hesitate - commence the skills coaching after school and on weekends. Involve other children in your circle, and if both parents in the family can be involved, that’s even better.

If you’re feeling out of your depth with how you can best help your child, consult with a health professional. Choose one who has experience in children’s social and emotional development, and under no circumstances ignore it. Ever.

Our experience has been that the child more likely to be targeted is one who:

- Has a developmental diagnosis such as an Attention Deficit Disorder and can annoy others by ‘being in their face’ or acting impulsively.

- Has behavioural problems and is often in trouble within the classroom.

- Is easily frustrated and has an explosive temper.

- Has a disability or a diagnosis which makes their learning style different from others.

- Is physically uncoordinated and appears physically less robust than their peers.

- Annoys others with difficult behaviours such as sillyness.

- Likes to hang out with the older, more commonly, boys - and he is cheeky and cocky with them.

And then the opposite of those:

- Looks and sounds timid or unconfident.

- Becomes over-whelmed rapidly resulting in tears.

If any of those tick boxes for you with your child, and you think that these behaviours are consistent and more intense than you have observed in others, do some more reading and teach the skills in this book.

Of the behaviours listed above, the one that responds the most quickly to coaching is the second-last one – ‘looks and sounds timid or unconfident’.

A child may become a target because of their reactions when things don’t work out for them in the playground. We can broadly put behaviours into 2 categories: ‘Internalising’ or ‘externalising’.

Internalising behaviours: These are the direction of negativity towards oneself. A child being bullied may blame themselves for it and emotions such as guilt, fear, lonelinesss and sadness are common. Internalising behaviours are not as apparent to the outsider, although their outcome such as a sad mood, tears or withdrawal is.

Externalising behaviours: The negative focus is outwards towards others and is expressed openly, such as anger, impulsivity and excitability. Temper outbursts, aggressive threats or destruction of property are examples.

The frequency and intensity of both types of behaviour is related to a child’s ability to manage their emotions: to ‘self-regulate’ is a term often used – which is one of the executive functions of the brain.

Self-regulation of emotions is an outcome of the brain maturing and the neuronal circuitry becoming more developed. A lot has been discovered about this process in the last 10 years, and if you are interested in reading more about it, references are included at the end of the book.

Children can be helped to become more skilled in their ability to self-regulate their emotions, and we’re not talking about only through traditional behaviour management. Neuroscience research over the last decade has proven the benefits of teaching children contemplative practices such as mindfulness and meditation and these are becoming more common practices in schools around the world. This is explored in more detail in The BEST Emotional Toolbox 4 Resiliently Managing Me.

TEASING TARGETS

Cruel Teasing that occurs persistently despite clear requests to stop, also comes under the bullying umbrella and in Chapter 4 we discuss how to deal with this.

Teasing often starts out as a joke – perhaps a clumsy one – and it usually lacks the purposeful intent to cause misery. The child’s response the very first time it happens, however, will play a part in whether it continues. For example if Cool Teasing is responded to with outrage and the teaser gains some pleasure, it’s likely that it could occur again.

However, if it’s responded to in a low-key manner, it could be a passing moment that neither of them will remember. Taken as an opportunity to trade comments with the teaser and have a bit of fun, it could even be enjoyed by both of them – and the child’s Teasing Target will be a lot smaller.

Knowing how to pull off the latter two responses, however, requires coaching – even for many adults. That is the topic of Chapter 4 - ‘The Triple A’s 4 Teasing’ - which outlines three responses each starting with an ‘A’ to deal with both Cool and Cruel Teasing. Children love them.

CHAPTER 4

DEALING WITH BULLYING AND TEASING

Prevention

The PIGS Choices

The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me

Straight Talk

The Triple A’s 4 Teasing

DEALING WITH BULLYING AND TEASING

Every child needs and deserves a Toolbox full of powerful and empowering TOOLS to deal with bullying and teasing. It is well recognised that children who appear calm, confident and in control are often targeted less by teasers and bullies.

PREVENTION

Like mastering many things, the sooner the skill training starts, the better. Of course that doesn’t mean telling scary stories to a 4 year old who’s embarking on pre-school education.

But it does mean gentle conversations about:

- What behaviours they identify with bullying.

- Exploring their choices if those behaviours should occur.

- Choosing the two responses that are safe and sensible.

- Doing a role play enacting those choices.

- Agreeing that refreshing these at the beginning of each school term would be a great idea for you to do together.

Children from around 4 years upwards are able to do skill rehearsal through role play. If there are siblings, try it as a group activity, and yes, there probably will be the groan-factor of, ‘Noooo! Not that stuff again Mum, Dad’, so respond with humour; keep the role plays short – 10 minutes is enough – and have a ‘post performance’ incentive.

Have a variety of awards - ‘clearest voice’; ‘assertive body language’; ‘most calm’; ‘great eye contact’; ‘cool words’; ‘person who hated it the most’ etc. Make it fun!

In addition:

- Create a family atmosphere where bullying can be discussed openly.

- Demonstrate a ‘can do’ attitude to finding solutions.

- Let your child know that you’re available for a discussion or a skills top-up if needed.

- Show that you have confidence in their ability to learn the skills to deal with tough stuff.

The next step is having the occasional “I’m curious whether…..’’ discussion about any bullying incidents that might have occurred – to themselves or others – and if so, how they have dealt with it.

Once again a brief, informal, ‘letting you know that it’s still on my radar’ type of conversation. If there’s a reluctance to engage with you about it, don’t start digging around or interpreting this as being ominous.

Instead, use some Reflective Listening (flick back to page 26 for a refresh on that one), and finish with a light-hearted comment such as, “Just checking that you don’t forget that there’s an ‘in- house’ coach” - and leave it at that. You’re showing that your door is open.

THE PIGS CHOICES:

This poster is also in the Kids’ Notebook:

The PIGS Choices are 4 options that a child has whether they are a bystander witnessing bullying or the target.

Although ‘Ignore the bully’ is given as a choice, it’s important to emphasise that this never applies in the case of physical bullying. The choice in that circumstance is to ‘Get help’ – from a bystander - or to leave to find an adult or other person, who can assist.

Ignoring the bully would be a choice if the child did not feel in physical danger, or believed that, on this occasion the bullying was an uncharacteristic action from that child. However, it is important to make very clear to your child, that if the bullying was repeated by the same child again, The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me is the appropriate choice. Second bullying ‘mistakes’ aren’t allowed.

THE SIX STEP STICK UP 4 ME

This is an assertive package that children enjoy learning and they tell us they feel empowered knowing it’s in their Toolbox.

Their skill in doing it, however, will only be matched by the number of times they have practised it through role play. Don’t let them put you off with, ‘We’ve done all that sort of stuff at school Mum, Dad; I don’t need to practise it.’ Not true!

We have trained thousands of children to do the Six Step Stick Up 4 Me – and many of them had already been through school workshops on dealing with bullying. However, no more than a total of 10% of them knew how do the Six Step Stick Up 4 Me – on first try.

Some knew the body language of being assertive but most of those were nudging into – or being - clearly aggressive and combative, putting them at risk of a bloodied nose or worse. The rest lacked the combination of the 6 steps which achieves a ‘clean’, powerful outcome: it’s the difference that makes a difference having the complete ‘package’.

There is absolutely no replacement for role play practice to learn this type of action-based skill. Using Imagery (look back to page 30 for a refresh on this one) is also an excellent way to follow up the role play, but without ‘walking the walk and talking the talk’, the child won’t be as successful the first time they action the skill. And in the case of dealing with a bully, first times are important.

If you need a refresh of how to engage your child in role play practice, see page 22 for some tips.

The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me poster follows, and the children also have this in The Kids’ Notebook.

This is what the Six Step Stick Up 4 Me looks like:

Now, don’t you just wish that someone had taught you The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me when you were 8 years old? We sure do.

A poster of this on the fridge or bedroom mirror is a great way to embed the skill.

The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me encourages and teaches very powerfully assertive – but not aggressive – body language. Did you know that experts tell us that 55% of our communication is determined by body language rather than words?

In The Kids’ Notebook the following diagram highlights just how much 55% represents – and how little does 15% - the words used. The ramifications of this is discussed further in the next chapter on cyberbullying.

Bullying is common behaviour online, and very often – too often – it is because the words have no body language reference. In a face to face situation body language sends a message about the impact of a child’s words – which means they may stop. Online this can’t happen. Additionally, the audience is much greater, and often anonymous.

As mentioned previously, actively and explicitly teaching assertive body language, tone of voice and words to children is one of the most important preventative and empowering factors.

Let’s run through the six steps very quickly. You can explain these to your child and practise them yourself.

Step 1: Children who step from foot to foot and round or slump their shoulders automatically look unsure of themselves. Feet planted firmly look strong – shoulders back speaks of confidence.

Step 2: A face looking at the ground is already set to mumble; it’s not the look of confidence. So get that chin up and share some eye contact: a very important social and confidence factor.

Step 3: Flapping arms look dramatic and out of control. We call this ‘Drama Llama’ body language. Arms by a child’s side help to stabilise them and give a feeling of confidence and calm.

Step 4: Tone of voice accounts for 30% of the message. This sentence can mean very different things just by changing the tone of voice. “It’s not fair to leave me out.” Try saying it with a whiney voice, shouting it, whispering it, mumbling it… Now try saying it clearly, confidently, calmly and audibly. That’s different huh?

Step 5: This is often a very difficult step for children. It is also very powerful especially when eye contact is held with no words. How many times have you given your child, ‘the eyes’ that say, “Do that again and you’re toast!”

Step 6: Don’t jump on the hook. It’s tempting, especially when someone dangles some meaty bait. The power is in walking away and not getting into the outlawed ‘A’ for Argue.

Choosing the right words to accompany The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me – what we call ‘Straight Talk’ – is discussed next.

A Tip: When you are doing role play practice of The Six Step Stick Up 4 Me, first ask your child to use only body language – no words. It’s an effective way to refine their body language and also highlights how words are not the main player

STRAIGHT TALK

Straight Talk is a TOOL that enables a child to successfully step up to Psychological Bullying.

We know that Straight Talk is most useful for the sneaky, hard- to-see bullying that often occurs in the form of rumours and gossip. It is just as straight-forward as it sounds – and a skill not often taught to, or used by, children or adults.

Straight Talk has 4 characteristics:

1. Talking directly to someone regarding a situation in which they have been involved - and which has impacted on yourself.

2. Giving an accurate description of what the impact on yourself has been.

3. Stating what you believe is now a fair and reasonable outcome of the situation.

4. Asking assertively that the behaviour stop!

This is in direct contrast to complaining to, or involving others; under or over-playing the impact on oneself or having no opinion of what you wish to occur.

Teaching your child Straight Talk involves discussing the differences between:

Being verbally aggressive

Being verbally assertive.

A tone of voice that is whiney

A tone of voice that is firm

Being overly dramatic (‘Drama Llama’)

Being strong and calm

Words that are blaming

Words that clearly describe the behaviour.

Delivering the message through the rumour-mill

Delivering the message directly to the bully.

Here are specific examples of bullying for which Straight Talk is effective:

Exclusion:

- A group of children who squeeze up closely together leaving no space for a particular child to sit.

- The children who run away from someone after saying that they will play with them.

- The child who ‘tells stories’ about another child to embarrass or isolate them.

Verbal:

- The child who whispers something about someone, and then denies it was nasty.

- The child who pretends their comments about someone were innocent, and not intended to be hurtful.

Here are some examples of Straight Talk 4 bullying:

“I think you should keep your opinion to yourself.”
“I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday; it was mean.”
“Stop treating me that way. It’s unfair!”
“Please mind your own business and keep out of mine.”
“That’s bullying – stop it!”
“I’ve told you before to stop that.”
“Excluding me like that, is nasty and unfair.”
“Don’t treat me that way!”

A FINAL NOTE ON STRAIGHT TALK

Straight Talk requires enormous courage. Your child is learning a life skill of standing up for themselves or for others when there has been an injustice, an insult or any hurt. It is delivered in a direct, psychologically healthy and socially recommended manner. Here’s some very important final point to keep in mind when teaching your child the art of Straight Talk:

- I’m sorry – has no place in Straight Talk. Think about how many times you might start an assertive sentence with, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry, but that bedroom needs tidying up before you go out.” Or, “I’m sorry but having the report on your desk by the end of the afternoon just isn’t going to work.” Saying sorry indicates that you are apologising for sticking up for you. There is a time and a place for apologies – Straight Talk is not that time.

- Telling a story. When a child is learning Straight Talk they often tell the story – like they’re writing the book of wrongs. Straight Talk loses its’ power when it’s not straight to the point and snappy. Practise some snappy Straight Talk.

- Blaming – Straight Talk that starts with the word, “You” and is followed by, “make me feel…” has already got the ring of blaming the other. Encourage your child to start with the word, “I.” “I don’t like it when you leave me out.” Is far more powerful than, “You make me sad when you leave me out.”

- Shouting and pouting – Straight Talk delivered without a big emotion immediately communicates the message of – I’m no pushover!

THE TRIPLE A’S 4 TEASING

This is another helpful poster to display in your home. As with The PIGS Choices – when children are taught about their options for responding to various situations, their behaviour will be more appropriate and confident. The children we have helped have consistently told us that this is one of their favourite Playground TOOLS. The Triple A’s are three responses – each beginning with an ‘A’. These are an easy to remember package that can be either humorous or matter of fact for Cool Teasing or assertive for Cruel Teasing.

When combined with knowing the clear distinction between Cool and Cruel Teasing, children are supremely empowered to deal with any teasing scenario.

The first two responses: ‘Agree’ and ‘Ask a Question’ apply to Cool Teasing, and the last one - ‘Ask to Stop’ - may be used for Cool Teasing that has been tiresomely repeated, as well as for Cruel Teasing.

Essentially, Agree defuses what the teaser has said, e.g., “Yep that’s about right!” It’s hard to keep teasing someone who is agreeing with you.

Ask a Question presents the teaser with a paradox: “This kid wants to know more about what I’ve just said? Aren’t they meant to be squirming now?” It’s de-fuses with a matter of fact spin.

Ask to Stop really is ‘command to stop’ but ‘Ask’ keeps it more low key because that’s what we want the child to do. It’s for Cruel Teasing and Cool Teasing that has become tiresome.

Here’s an example for you to consider:

Your lunch looks disgusting!

Agree

Ask a Question

Ask to Stop

Yep, Big blowflies, my favourite!

Disgusting, what does that mean?

Stop it. Get on with your own lunch.

Each and every one of these TOOLS has been tried with thousands of children and shown to change the way children:

- Think about themselves.

- Think about the behaviour of others.

- Deal with behaviours that range from being mildly unpleasant to extremely nasty.

- Make clever and considered choices in managing the tough stuff.

The word that is commonly used for this is ‘Resilience.’ Our favourite definition of this word is by Child Psychologist, Andrew Fuller who says, “Resilience is the happy knack of being able to bungee-jump through the pitfalls of life.”

Resilient kids bounce back because they have super-sharp and super-powerful Inside-TOOLS and Outside-TOOLS – just like the ones you have read about.

We can’t emphasise enough the importance of practising these TOOLS over and over with your child, until they are an automatic response, cleverly wired into their brain-circuitry. Bullying and teasing are a FOPL – a Fact of Playground Life. Wherever they go, it is a global concern – so let’s make sure that they have these awesome Smart Life Skills 4 Kids onboard.

CHAPTER 5

CYBERBULLYING

It’s Here to Stay

The PIGS Choices Online

Your Role

Safe at Home

CYBERBULLYING

It’s a FOIL – a sad but inevitable Fact Of Internet Life that where there are kids online, there is the potential for cyberbullying. Any child who accesses the internet to chat, play games or use social media is at risk for being targeted or a party to cyberbullying.

So, our job is to give children as many TOOLS as possible to manage this ‘Online Playground’ in a safe, sensible and secure way because it’s going to be a huge part of their future.

IT’S HERE TO STAY

It’s here forever now - the internet that is – and so are the more toxic features like cyberbullying.

An optimistic sparkle on the cyber horizon, however, is that there is now a greater awareness of its danger potential, and more preventative education available for schools, parents and kids.

It can’t stop there though.

Every home with both achild and an internet connection, requires that an adult takes the responsibility to keep up to date with safety measures. Then implement them, follow up…...regularly….and take action – if there has been an incident of bullying either as a perpetrator or a target.

Yes, it is tedious…..and annoying……and also often confusing and yet another ‘thing’ to do, when there’s already so much.

But it’s the only way to be absolutely sure that your child will be equipped to deal with any event that may occur online.

THE PIGS CHOICES ONLINE

It’s little surprise that highlighting the choices a child has on how to deal with cyberbullying helps them to make good decisions early, and that means less chance of bullying.

The PIGS Choices are also relevant in the Online Playground, and specifically educating your child on those four choices is crucial.

Protection by bystander: Children can inadvertently become involved in cyberbullying – perhaps because they don’t know how the message began, might not know the target, or they might not realise that what is happening is actually bullying. However, a child can learn to be a protective online bystander with some Straight Talk to the offending individual or the group. They can also record the communication that has occurred and show it to an adult as evidence.

Ignoring: Not always the best choice, but certainly worth attempting in an effort to deter the bully.

Get help: Taking a screen shot or reporting nasty behaviour to the site moderator is recommended, as is showing a parent, teacher or sibling. There are also many, many online counselling services for children who are experiencing, or have been, cyberbullied. Research them before an incident happens so that you’re pre-prepared.

The best source of help for a child though is you, the parent, and that’s more likely to happen if they’re assured your response will be fair and calm.

Straight Talk: Body language that assists the interpretation of a message is not available in the online playground. However, responding quickly with, “That’s enough! Time to stop picking on me” is very powerful in managing nasty comments. Pre-prepare together some assertive statements ready to send if needed. Thinking up the right response too late to be useful is no help at all.

YOUR ROLE

“Knowledge is power” - and that’s certainly true for parents regarding the Online Playground. Here are some recommendations:

- Have an awareness of what can be problematic in cyberspace.

- Establish that your interest in your child’s cyber activities is to ensure their safety.

- Know the range of cyber activities in which your child participates.

- Create an agreement that your child will seek your help for any cyber communications about which they are unsure.

- Know what actions you can take if there has been a concerning cyber incident.

- Join some social networking sites and familiarise yourself with how they work.

- Let your child know that you are also a social media user.

- Educate your child about online ‘Stranger Danger’ rules.

- Check who your child has ‘friended’ and how they communicate.

- Schedule regular times to catch up with your child specifically about the happenings in their online space – as you do at the end of their school day.

- Display the ‘Guidelines’ for managing online bullying with step by step instructions making it easier to follow in moments of stress.

The active, engaged and watchful parent is the best preventative factor in cyberbullying. Make a huge effort to educate your child, not only about the dangers, but also the positive and proactive strategies for managing any online incidents early and effectively.

It’s also useful to show your child posts on your social media, discussing how they might have responded if they had received that. Use your online presence – it’s a very useful TOOL.

SAFE AT HOME

Here are some internet ‘safety rules’ to place above the computer:

- Talk to someone you trust, such as a parent, sibling, uncle, aunty, teacher or friend if any incident that you consider offensive or scary occurs online. Do that straight away!

- Don’t retaliate or respond to the online comment – that could be used against you later.

- Block that person and change your privacy settings.

- Report the abuse to the service, and if others are also aware of it, request they do so also.

- Print a copy of the email or social networking conversation and keep any mobile phone messages.

- Don’t share private information like passwords, name and address or phone numbers with people you don’t know.

- Be cautious about sharing photos of yourself, your friends and your family.

Sticking to those guidelines is an excellent safety foundation. The next part is persisting with it, checking whether there are any updates or additions, and keeping communication alive with your child about all of that.

Good luck. Remember you are not alone in this. Unlike playground bullying, every parent and family has been impacted on by the internet, and many are just feeling their way around this. Don’t be intimidated if you’re new to social networking – or the internet in general. There’s plenty of people who can – and will – help if you need some guidance.

It’s your right to ask for help.

CHAPTER 6

WHAT IF MY CHILD’S THE BULLY?

Clues

Dealing With It

WHAT IF MY CHILD’S THE BULLY?

Disbelief. Denial. Defense.

It’s probably a big call to respond in any other way if you’re confronted with the allegation that your child’s ‘The Bully’. You’ve certainly had more uplifting news.

Research by the Australian Federal Government tells us that 1 in 4 children in primary school are affected by bullying. The 2007 Kandersteg Declaration Against Bullying in Children & Youth estimated that 200 million children and youth around the world are being bullied by their peers, and the research sadly goes on…

It’s curious though. For the wave of information and publicity now given to the outcomes of bullying, there’s a glaring under- emphasis on figuring out what’s going on with the bully. What exactly is happening in that child’s life that purposefully hurting others is a choice?

And that’s surprising - because a child who is bullying others – particularly if it is consistent – needs help. A lot. Soon. And the extent, frequency and type of bullying indicates whether that help is for a 30 minute conversation, strict monitoring of their behaviour, longer term counselling – individually and with their family – or all of the preceding. How many kids and families, though, are given this chance? And if it is on offer, how many take it up?

Because it’s important to remind ourselves that the long term outcomes of being a repeat-offender bully are dismal – for themselves, those in their life and for the community at large. And that danger ticks 3 boxes: physically, psychologically and emotionally. It’s dismal also for their targets, although unless they in turn become bullies too – which of course does happen. The trajectory of being bullied doesn’t usually include repeated violence, anti-social behaviour and possibly serving gaol time - like it does for the being the bully.

We’re not minimizing the impact on the victim, that’s serious too – which is primarily why bullying now gets more airplay. A positive is that there’s a community wide agreement that victims need assistance; as for bullies, however, that’s only a half-formed sentiment….perhaps. As regards a defined action plan – beyond retribution and blame for the bully? No. That’s missing in most places.

With research estimates reporting that1 in 4 children experience bullying every year, there’s a lot of children engaging in bullying behavior. Too many.

CLUES

It’s not always obvious that a child is a bully. They may not look or act aggressively; may even be popular, be doing well at school and with friends, and in no way attract obvious attention.

These are some clues that your child may be bullying others.

- Seems to display little empathy for others; is dismissive of others’ feelings.

- Is competitively focused on being popular

- Has been bullied themselves – by siblings or peers

- Has witnessed physical violence at home

- Brings home items that you haven’t bought, or with money you didn’t finance

- Seems to be on the fringe of the peer group

- Is often lonely and unhappy

Norwegian professor Dan Olweus was one of the first to lead the research into bullying in the 1970’s. He identified two basic groups of bullies:

Bullied Bullies: They’re often the young people who make it onto to the front page of newspapers. They’re involved in extreme violence such as shootings in public places – often schools – where they return to seek retribution.

Keep in mind that they do represent an overwhelming minority of kids – a miniscule proportion of the world’s youth population, although that doesn’t validate dismissing them. What is disturbing though is that when they come to attention, the - by then – usually a teenager, has long been regarded by their peers as someone to avoid, unpredictable, strange and isolated. Beyond reach and help – although clearly needing both.

They are usually boys, and the majority have a mental illness or long term neuropsychiatric disorder, which has contributed to them being socially isolated, repeatedly bullied and scorned throughout their schooling. In high school they’re known as a quiet, moody, unhappy looking adolescent who actively avoids – and is avoided - by others. Slowly they drop out of others’ radars….until one day they’re on everyone’s……around the world.

Then there’s the Bullied Bullies who are being bullied at home – physical violence that is called ‘punishment’ – dished out by parents or older siblings. They’re kids who don’t know other ways to handle frustration or conflict, and have become the perpetrators of violent ways themselves.

Bullied Bullies have had too much pain to care how others feel; Cool Bullies haven’t had enough.
Matthew Andrews

They’re often extremely unhappy both at home and at school and very possibly depressed. Changing is difficult unless their own home circumstances change or they develop a caring relationship with a concerned adult, who can help ‘re-set’ their emotional radar.

The other group are the Cool Bullies – kids who seem popular because they receive a lot of positive attention and recognition of their success and achievements. But they are arrogant and uncaring about other kids – and treat them badly. They have a group of loyal followers, but most kids tread warily around them because their behaviour can be unpredictable and vicious.

They’re socially prominent, but overall they’re not well liked by most of the kids.

Professor Olweus also disproved the myth that bullies ‘lack self- esteem’, and in fact his research showed that they had surprisingly little anxiety or insecurity. Some research also shows kids like this may have the appearance of social sophistication but their emotional life can resemble that of a 2 year old: intent on getting what they want – at any costs – and a head banging tantrum awaits anyone who tries to thwart them.

Such narcissism is to be expected of a 2 year old; in a 12 year old it’s causing problems that don’t look like they’re going away soon, in a 16 year old it’s often excused as being ‘hormonal’ and in a 30 year old its poisoning all relationships – work, family and social.

Girls’ Bullying

We talked earlier about girls bullying being more ‘relational’ in character; aimed at social repercussions – isolation, ridicule, and communicating that another girl doesn’t quite ‘make it’ in their group. The methods are through words, innuendo and social ‘freezing’.

Cyberbullying is also frequent in girl world – it’s behind the scenes, less confrontational features are a good fit with the methods girls prefer. It’s also word-focused – one of girls’ strengths.

Physical bullying amongst girls occurs more frequently in some groups as girls mature – pushing, punching and hair pulling - but it’s primarily the social domain that reigns through primary and even more so in high school.

In the last 20 years there has also been an emergence of ‘girl gangs’ in areas of social and economic disadvantage with high crime rates and drug use. Many of these teenagers have long ago dropped out of school and their daily occupation has become the suburban guerilla war which takes place in shopping malls and neighbourhood streets. These are the minority though.

DEALING WITH IT

As with most prevention: early is best. And bullying is no different.

If you have any inkling that your child may be bullying others, then seek help. Talk to your doctor and obtain a referral to an Allied Health professional – Psychologist, Counsellor, Social Worker or Occupational Therapist with experience in child and adolescent mental health. That latter point is very important. Therapy with children is very different to that with adults, so check out the therapist’s website for details about their experience and the methods they use. Organising an initial consultation for yourself only is often wise, so that you can assess what you think the ‘goodness of fit’ will be between your child and the therapist. It’s important that the therapist’s approach is compassionate and not focused solely on ‘behaviour management’ of the child. This may well have a role but exploration of the child’s emotional world and experiences needs to come first.

If individual therapy is not an option, make an appointment with the school counsellor or psychologist who will have access to more information about your child’s peer relationships. Government children’s services are also only a phone call away and can be made anonymously - as can those to children’s’ telephone helplines.

Talk to other parents that you trust and get their thoughts and observations. Don’t try to deal with it in isolation. That’s akin to what happens in domestic violence where secrecy and ‘not letting the neighbours know’ is a hazy veil that hides and drives what is occurring underground.

Be observant of how your child treats, and is treated by, siblings. Be mindful of Cruel Teasing and bullying in the family, and between siblings in particular. Step back and observe your family’s interactions as though you’re an outsider and ask yourself, ‘Is this a home filled with kindness and care?’; ‘Do my family look and act like they love each other – most of the time?’

Check on the discipline style of both parents. Is there violence involved – and yes, that does mean any physical act against someone else – or threats to do so. Is there emotional abuse, name calling, put-downs – between anyone – parents included?

What is the emotional climate of your home? Are you glad you’re living there? Will your kids say when they’re adults, “Yes, we had a happy home?” Or will it be more like, “Everyone in our family was often angry, banging doors and shouting. My Mum and Dad had lots of fights; my older brother was always beating me up.” A “Yes!” to any of those, means that you need to seek help. Now.

One of the biggest antidotes to bullying is empathy; genuinely caring about how others feel, walking in their shoes, appreciating someone else’s perspective, being able to understand the difficulties that they meet - even when they are far removed from your own life.

There’s a much greater awareness now about the role of empathy in all life spheres - including business and leadership. People with advanced empathy are shown to have greater personal happiness, life satisfaction and stronger relationships. It’s a quality that develops throughout life and like many things, it gets better with use.

Doing a mini audit of your child’s empathy – and then your own – is an excellent idea. Some questions from the Good Life Science Centre at Berkeley University, California, are a good start. To undertake the complete audit, go to:
greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/14. Here’s a mini version.

Ask yourself, ‘Do I’:

1. Easily feel sad when others around me are sad?

2. Have tender concerned feelings for people less fortunate than me?

3. Become excited when others around me do?

4. Find that I am ‘in tune’ with others moods?

5. Try to understand all sides in a disagreement?

6. Get irritated when someone cries?

This is an excellent website for lots of information about developing positive mental health and wellbeing. The full title of the organisation is The Greater Good Science Centre, University of California, Berkeley, California, USA.

If you’ve come this far, perhaps you are concerned about your child’s habits. If you would like to start with helping them develop more empathy, here are four areas to focus on:

- Demonstrate empathy yourself – out aloud – so others in the family can hear. Notice someone doing a good job, trying hard, experiencing difficulties – and it doesn’t have to be someone you know. An observation of an event glanced through a car window: someone struggling in the rain and wind and your remarking how difficult that must be, is sufficient. Done repeatedly in different circumstances, it’s a fantastic lesson.

- Listen well. Have conversations with your child where you seek their opinion about anything – and be very interested in their answer. Don’t interrupt or disagree, just listen….and listen…

- When they’ve finished, reflect what you think they were telling you to clarify that you understood. If there’s been any emotional content in their message, reflect back the emotion that you thought they may be experiencing.

- Identify your own feelings about situations – and state them. Ask if anyone in the family shares them.

For more similar exercises, search online for ‘Developing Empathy’ and many websites will jump up at you.

Well done! You made it through a pretty heavy chapter dealing with stuff that can be very confronting and scary for parents. So take it easy if any of those thoughts or ideas resonated with you.

Don’t be panicked and feel that you need to resolve every query or attend to every issue all at once. If there’s someone you can share your thoughts with, do so, and get their perspective.

Take it easy. Have courage.

And remember ‘Every thousand mile journey begins with one step.’ You can do it.

And so you’ve reached another Finish Line. Well done!

You’re doing a great job sourcing information to help your child travel down their Highway of Life with the best skills onboard.

And what is fantastic is that what you’ve been reading will make a difference to how you parent. If your child is also reading the Kids’ Notebook, and together you discuss and put into action the role plays and other ideas, bullying and Cruel Teasing won’t be knocking on your door.

We love to hear from our readers. Honestly, we do. So if you have some thoughts, if you’ve had a breakthrough, or even if you would like to just say “Hello”, we will welcome your email at: info@bestprograms4kids.com and we’ll be sure to get back to you.

Bye for now.

Claire and Helen

HELPFUL REFERENCES FOR PARENTS:

Begley, S. (2008). Train Your Brain, Change Your Mind. (Neuroscience)

Davidson, H. (2011). Kidzmix Helping Kids Become Social Heroes.

Doidge, N. (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself. (Neuroscience)

Fuller, A. (2002). Raising Real People: Creating a Resilient Family.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why it matters more than IQ.

Hanson, R. (2014). Hardwiring Happiness.

Matthews, A. (2011). Stop the Bullying!

Morgan, A. (2006) Narrative Therapy with Children & Their Families. www.narrativetherapylibrary/com

Siegel, D., (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.

www.bullyingnoway.gov.au Help for parents and children.

www.cybersmart.gov.au Practical and helpful information about keeping your child safe online.

www.greatergood.berkeley.edu Information about social and emotional development in children. Practical and accessible.

www.amf.org.au Allanah and Madeleine Foundation. Help for parents and kids.

MORE BOOKS BY HELEN & CLAIRE

For Educators and Allied Health Professionals
The HIGHWAY HEROES Series

Module 1-

Sticking Up 4 Me: Beating Bullying & Taming Teasing (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 2-

Connecting 4 Friendships: Playground Resilience & Wisdom (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 3-

Tricks 4 Always Getting Things Done: The Secrets of Staying-power & Grit (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 4-

Strategies 4 Managing Me: Mood Management & Resilience (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

THE BEST TOOLBOX SERIES 4 KIDS & PARENTS

This series for kids and parents is growing into a very big family – and we’re thrilled because each and every one of them helps kids and parents find great answers for the tricky stuff that happens to all of us, and that means happier kids at home, in the classroom, playground… everywhere! Yeah!

The BEST Kids’ & Parents’ Notebooks 4 Beating Bullying & Teasing goes straight to all those ‘must-knows’ – like sorting bullying from teasing, Cool from Cruel Teasing and learning awesome Inside and Outside-TOOLS to deal successfully with each and every one of them.

The BEST Kids’ & Parents’ Notebooks 4 Fixing Friendships teases out those tricky friendship issues that both girls and boys experience – in the same – but also different ways. It’s a complete package of fantastically sensible and effective TOOLS that will leave every parent saying, “This is exactly what we’ve been looking for!”

Coming soon in this series:

The BEST Classroom Toolbox 4 Always Getting Things Done – Super-simple TOOLS 4 motivation, goal-planning, persistence and organisation.
The BEST Emotional Toolbox 4 Resiliently Managing Me – Moods, blow outs, big emotions… Learn awesome Inside-TOOLS to successfully manage them all.