A NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS, CLAIRE AND HELEN

You don’t know it yet, but you’re about to launch yourself into the BEST – yep, that’s right, the BEST Notebook 4 Kids on the very complicated issue of friends, friendships and flare ups. We know that every kid who reads this book will finish with a very full Toolbox to get friendlier and manage the ups and downs of friendships.

From Claire: I am the very proud Mum of 4 growing boys. They’re very normal sorts of boys – good sometimes and not-so-good other times. I love being part of my boy’s lives as they learn about friends and friendships – and I love to help other children and their families too. Having friends and being friends is something we all want and need our whole lives. So, to my sensational boys and all the children I have helped along the way – thank you for teaching me SO much that I have been able to write it down in this book to share with kids and parents.

From Helen: I’ve been interested in what makes kids happy – and unhappy - for as long as I can remember. So it’s fabulous to be involved in writing books that help both kids and parents to find practical solutions to everyday stuff that crops up in kid’s lives. It also develops a bunch of good skills – that will help see them along the journey of their life. Most of what I’ve learned has come from the many, many thousands of families who have generously invited me into their lives for some help, from my 2 adult children who fill me with joy, and my beautiful mother, Ronnie, who just ‘knew’ about children. Tons of Gratitude to each and every one of you – has been sent your way.

Find out more about us here: www.bestprograms4kids.com

Kids’ Notebook: The BEST Playground Toolbox 4 Fixing Friendships

First Edition July 2015

© Copyright 2015 BEST Programs 4 Kids (All rights reserved)

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means: electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the authors.

The authors cannot be held responsible for any mishap, injury or damage incurred during the use of or as a result of the information in this book.

Illustrations: Kidzmix Images ©
Image Preparation: Steven Orange
Authors & Design: Claire Orange & Helen Davidson

Published by BEST Programs 4 Kids

ISBN: 978-0-0043546-4-8

Website: www.bestprograms4kids.com
Email: info@bestprograms4kids.com

CONTENTS

A Note to Parents

A Note to Kids

Chapter 1 - Let’s Get Started

The Highway of Life

Navigating this book

Highway stamps and TOOLS

Chapter 2 - Let’s Get Going

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Thinking about your thinking

Understanding Friendship Tools

Park Your Brain Here

Chapter 3 - Let’s Get Real

Farewell Friendship Fantasy Island

Friendship BUMPS are normal!

Friendships are important

Park Your Brain Here

Chapter 4 - Let’s Get Friendly

What exactly is Friendliness?

The Friendliness SPICE

Unwrapping the SPICE package

Park Your Brain Here

Chapter 5 - Let’s Get a TOOL

Sorting out Refusals to Play

Normal and Nasty Refusals

The Triple A’s 4 Refusals

Park Your Brain Here

Chapter 6 - Let’s Get Fixing

Resilience – being able to bounce back

Sparks, Flames and Fires

The Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups

Park Your Brain Here

Chapter 7 - Let’s Get Serious

Rumours, gossip and nastiness

Getting down to business

Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups

Park Your Brain Here

Chapter 8 - Let’s Get Online

The Online Playground

It’s a FOIL

Managing online friendships

Park Your Brain Here

A Final Note to Kids

We dedicate this Notebook to all the children and adults who have had friendships that have gone badly and for one reason or another, perhaps have even ended.

Friendships are so important to all of us – kids and adults. If you’ve ever lost a friendship you’ll know how much it hurts. Time, courage and being able to make new friends helps. We know and believe with all our hearts that getting up, brushing yourself off and developing new friendships is the best way forward. Knowledge is power. We feel very honoured both as Mums and Therapists to share our knowledge with you in this wonderfully warm book.

Claire & Helen

A NOTE TO PARENTS

Congratulations on your wise purchase. You will not be disappointed.

This beautiful book gently explores the complexities of friends and friendships in a way that will have your child confidently cheering, “Yes, I can do that!” We’ve seen it happen so many times…and we still get Goose Bumps. It’s awesome. Happy, confident kids who know that they’ve got the skills to deal with whatever crops up in their peer world.

What makes The BEST Playground Toolbox stand out from the crowd? Most certainly its practicality - and that motivates kids to try out the strategies. And then their success keeps them going and going, using more and more of the strategies. It literally is ‘The’ Playground Resource – ‘The’ Only One with an extensive range of books for both parents and kids that cover every day – but supremely important – ‘stuff’- that happens in every child’s life. And the stuff in this one, is the development of friendships and fixing friendship flare ups. Super important stuff.

Thousands of kids have used these skills – and for many it literally has changed their lives (and as we know, that means a pretty big change in a parent’s life too…). These strategies work and they’re easy to learn and remember. They’re fun (lots!), unique and awesome…every single one of them gets better with practise! Kids love them… and we love that kids love them.

When your child reaches the last page, they will have a complete package of TOOLS for managing both themselves and what happens with others – to do with their friendships.

And that’s just the beginning. As your child practises all of those TOOLS with you, your partner, their aunty, big brother, sister, or grandma… your child will have more Playground TOOLS to deal with friendship issues than any other kid in their class, school, street, footy team, ballet or gym class…Awesome. They’ll be one socially and emotionally smart kid. And if you are also reading the companion Parents’ Notebook: The BEST Playground Toolbox 4 Fixing Friendships, you’ll be one socially and emotionally smart parent coach of a socially and emotionally smart kid. In the Parents’ Notebook, all the concepts in the Kids’ Notebook are expanded and also includes some great adult insider knowledge and tips, so as a combined resource they’re absolutely unique.

If you’re the proud parent of a younger Primary School aged child, our recommendation is to read the Kids’ Notebook together – at least once. Then your little person can go back and read it on their own again…and again. Really, we’ve had kids tell us they’ve read the book at least 3 times; some do so every term before they go back to school. We’ve also had kids tell us that they take this book to school every day, and keep it in their bag, so at lunchtime and recess they can quickly check on something that might help with a problem. More Goose Bumps…

Every Chapter of the Kids’ Notebook explores a new concept and introduces a new TOOL. Although the older Primary School child will be able to navigate through and understand the concepts, it will fast track their progress enormously if you can talk about what they’re reading. Offer to help out with practising the TOOLS – perhaps be a willing ‘role player.’ Yes, we know…all adults hate role play, but if it makes your little person’s skill stick with industrial strength, we just know that you’ll be up for it…

The final Chapter, “Let’s Get Online”, is for those children who are accessing the online social space. It’s another playground really isn’t it? Although the ‘play’ is often far from being playful…more like painful punishment – that’s not permissible. So, all children need these TOOLS in their Toolbox. It’s no longer optional.

We, Claire and Helen – want with all our hearts for this information to have an epidemic-like spread around the world. We want it to enter into the houses of millions of little people around the world – especially those who will then be able to bounce – rather than drag - themselves out of bed. To walk with a spring in their step into the playground and look forward to lunch time thinking, ‘Yes, I can do this, I’ve learned some awesome skills, and I’m one socially and emotionally smart kid!’

More Goose Bumps. Lots. Our Warmest Wishes, Claire and Helen

A NOTE TO KIDS

Welcome to this exciting Notebook - that will become your very best friend by the time you’re finished. It’s full of amazing tips, tricks and simple solutions to help you understand friendliness, friendships and how to manage friendship flare ups. We know that the TOOLS in this Notebook really work – and help sort out the normal stuff that happens to all kids all around the world.

Being a kid is fun and exciting… and it can also be tough and difficult. You’re just like every other kid living on our huge planet Earth right now – your life is a mixture of good, great, scary, exciting, horrible and sad - you name it - experiences. That’s normal!

We believe that every single kid should have a Toolbox absolutely bursting with sensational TOOLS that will help them to have a happy and successful life. That’s why we’ve written this Notebook.

You’re going to learn some powerful TOOLS that will help you to become a super-friendly, friend. Then there are TOOLS for dealing with friendship flare ups and TOOLS that help deal with all the different emotions we have - especially the ones that get messy and ugly and scary and a nuisance…Know the ones we mean? Hhmm…

Are you ready to learn all these smart and sizzling TOOLS that will help YOU to be the very best YOU that YOU can be! YOUHOO! Or should that be ‘YAHOO’… Whatever.

Well, hang on…tight…because we’re off. Chapter 1, here we come!

Claire & Helen Yoohoo!

CHAPTER 1

LET’S GET STARTED

The Highway of Life

Navigating this Book

Highway Stamps and TOOLS

THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE

Did you know that your life is a bit like being on a Highway? Well it is! Because from the moment you’re born, there’s a big journey ahead of you - with so many places to go, things to do and stuff

to learn. And the exciting thing is, you never, ever know what’s up ahead on the Highway. Did we just say that’s ‘exciting’; perhaps it should be ‘scary’? Well some people might think that way, but it doesn’t have to be - especially when you’ve got the skills to deal with what happens on your Highway.

But right now for you – on your Highway – what’s happening is you’re reading this book. You’ll be finding out some great ideas for the playground and friends, so let’s go! Are you hanging on tight for the ride?

As you’ve been travelling along your Highway, you’ve learned lots of skills: like how to walk, talk, use your manners, make friends, tidy up, clean your teeth, bounce on beds (Ooops) and get along with others…Wow! SO MANY SKILLS – and you can probably think of even more that you’ve learned. What a HERO! And the great thing is that you’ve still got lots and lots more to learn – how exciting!

Learning all those skills is a bit like learning to drive a car – because that takes lots of skills too. Has your Mum or Dad ever said, “Slow down!” Or perhaps they’ve said the opposite - “Hurry up!” Well, sometimes on the Highway we do have to slow down… and sometimes we have to also hurry up – and you’ve got to do that when you’re learning to drive a car too.

And then you also need to learn how to ‘merge’ – that means to join another traffic lane. That’s a bit like when you ‘merge’ on the playground – try to join in other kids’ games. And then there are times when you have to put the brakes on so you can come to a complete stop. SCREEECH!… See, your life is a lot like being on a Highway.

All Highways have BUMPS along the way – small, medium and big ones. Everyone - you, me, your Grandma, your friends, your Mum, Dad, brothers, sisters, your teacher, the lady next door, your dog, cat– all experience BUMPS on our Highway.

BUMPS can mean that you might take longer to get to where you’re going, or you might have to find a different road, or to spend some time working on your vehicle. A BUMP tells us that we need to slow down, work out what to do - and then how to do it. That usually means finding the right TOOL in our TOOLBOX to help. And then once we’ve got over that BUMP, we can get ourselves back on the Highway and keep travelling on our journey. Here’s an example of a BUMP in action - with 2 girls called Sally and Celia.

Sally always played with Celia - until Celia started to learn horse riding - and then she began hanging out with Mary and John - who also went to her pony club. (OK, Sally’s hit a little BUMP, hasn’t she?). Do you know what the BUMP is that Sally’s got to deal with? Uh huh – you’re absolutely right: being left out. Celia wasn’t including Sally in the games at lunchtime, so Sally was left out and she didn’t know what to do.

Sally needed to make some more friends. Hmmm. Perhaps she needed a TOOL to help her to be friendlier – because that’s one way to make more friends isn’t it?

How lucky is this? Sally was reading this exact same book that you’re reading right now, so she got to hear about the fabulous SPICE TOOL that teaches kids how to be friendlier than they’ve ever been before.

So Sally practised the Friendliness SPICE TOOL at home first, then she tried it out at school - and now she’s playing with Emma, Jake, Andrew and Jane. Oh, and by the way, Celia often asks if she can also join in. Sally always says ‘Yes’ – because she’s a SPICE girl – no, no, not the singers.…You’re going to learn about the SPICE TOOL too, and In fact, by the end of this book, you’re going to have a whole Toolbox full of Friendliness TOOLS! TOOLS that will help you to make friends and TOOLS that will help you to sort out friendship BUMPS. Way to go!

NAVIGATING THIS BOOK

Have you ever read a map – or perhaps you’ve seen your Mum or Dad reading one? A map is very useful if you want to get to somewhere without getting lost. This section is your map for how to navigate your way through this book.

Excellent news! You’ve got the first bit right – you’re reading this part before setting out. Of course, if you’ve read other Toolbox books you’ll already know how to do this, so you can speed through this section! But remember, books are the only places where – sometimes - you’re allowed to speed. You never speed on real Highways - that’s Rule No 1.

Each Chapter gives you some information and it also teaches you a new TOOL for your Toolbox. Each of the Chapters have headings like, “Thinking about your Thinking”- which tells you what that section is all about.

We want you to read each Chapter very carefully, and then when it says to “Park your Brain Here”, it means that it’s time to stop, think about what you have learned - AND then practise the TOOLS.

It’s best to travel carefully with no speeding - because what you’re going to learn is very important – and you’re also going to need to practise, practise and practise. So, take your time.

HIGHWAY STAMPS AND TOOLS

In each of The BEST Playground Toolbox series, you’ll see some stamps which have different names – and sometimes just letters – on them. These stamps are to help you to remember the names of all the TOOLS and other important things in the book.

The stamps remind you that you can choose a great TOOL from your Toolbox to help in different situations. It might be to calm yourself down, to become a Supa Thinkin Hero or to deal with something that’s happening to you or around you.

Here are the stamps that you’ll see in this book…

The Inside-TOOL of Supa Thinkin – This is positive and helpful thinking that helps you to stay calm and make good decisions about even tough stuff.

The BUMP of Stinkin Thinkin – yes, it’s just like it sounds. That Stinkin stuff we say to ourselves that’s not positive or helpful.

The Inside-TOOL of Calming Down. The bigger you get the more you’re able to calm yourself down. Now is a great time to start learning how.

FOPL - A Fact Of Playground Life. Stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff and ugly stuff. We call it L-I-F-E in the playground.

FOIL – A Fact Of Internet Life. Friendships also happen in the Online Playground and the good, the bad and the ugly can happen there too.

The SPICE 5 Steps 4 Friendliness – being friendly all wrapped up in a neat and SPICEy package. It’s waiting for you to unwrap… Soon!

The Triple A’s – A Toolbox TOOL for Play Refusals and Friendship Flare Ups. You’ll meet them, greet them and practise them soon. They’re popular!

Inside-TOOLS– Supa Thinkin, Calming Down and Ignoring – these are the Inside-TOOLS that you already have, and practising them is going to make them even sharper.

Outside-TOOLS – you’ll be adding heaps to your Toolbox – SPICE, The Triple A’s, Straight Talk. Wow!

Make room for them!

Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups. No mucking around – straight to the point. Easy when you know how!

Park your Brain Here – time to think! Brains can travel at high speed – even faster than your mouth! So brakes are handy things and you’re going to be putting them on. Screeech…

Did an adult in your home also get a BEST Playground Toolbox book? If they did – or even if they didn’t, you might like to include them in what you’re reading. You know what we mean. Parents love that.

Talk about what you - and they - are learning as it really helps to share this part of your journey. The adult person in your home also might need your help to understand some of the things that happen in playgrounds. So be kind, help them out if they ask – or perhaps ask them first. So, you’re ready to set off on the Friendship adventure.

See you on the next page!

CHAPTER 2

LET’S GET GOING

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Thinking about your Thinking

Understanding Friendship TOOLS

Park Your Brain Here

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

Hi! Welcome to the Toolbox 4 Fixing Friendships. We’re glad that you’re here. We’re going to be talking about everything to do with friendships:

We know that having friends and being a friend is very important and that’s not just when you’re a kid… it’s the same when you’re an adult.

Friends are a big part of our lives. We know that they’re a big part of your life too, so this book is all about helping you to become a Friendship Hero! We hope you’re ready to learn some cool and interesting things about friends and friendships including:

- Understanding what friendships really are

- Accepting that no friend or friendship is perfect

- Knowing how to use a package of skills that increase your friendliness

- Knowing how to sort out Friendship Flare Ups (you know - fights and arguments)

Before we begin - to help you understand some of the words that we’re going to use in the book - read through the next few pages. If you’ve read some of the other Toolbox Books 4 Kids, you might already know most of it, so you can do a quick, whirlwind reminder - and then jump straight into Chapter 3 where the fun really begins!

THINKING ABOUT YOUR THINKING

Here’s something to think about: every human being is born different from each other. We do have things that are similar too – like legs, arms, toes, mouth – but we mostly have different faces.

As we grow up we also have different experiences, and that means we might learn to think differently from someone else - about exactly the same thing.

Think about this:

Jenny started at a new school half way through Year 2. She had moved from a somewhere far away and very different to her new school. At Jenny’s old school, there was a group of ‘the popular girls’ who usually told her to “go away” when they were playing or sitting together. She felt sad, worried and left out when this happened. Jenny was feeling very nervous about starting at a new school, and she was worried that she might not make friends.

You see, because Jenny had already experienced this Friendship BUMP, she was worrying about whether it would happen again.

Now, if this had been Jenny’s story instead, would she think differently?

Jenny started at a new school half way through Year 2. She had moved from a place which was far away and very different to her new school. In her old school, Jenny had a group of girls in her class who were her best friends. They sat together at lunch and also played together in the playground. Jenny felt sad to leave her friends, but she was very excited about meeting some new friends and creating new friendships.

All the hundreds of different things that happen to you, and around you, help to create how you think about your Highway, yourself, and also about other people.

UNDERSTANDING FRIENDSHIP TOOLS

Did you know that there are two ways to help friendships to grow? The first way is working on your Inside-TOOLS and the other way is to learn and practise some Outside-TOOLS. Here they are for you to read and think about.

Inside-TOOLS

These are TOOLS that you control from inside of you. They are part of you – you were born with them!

As you grow and learn and practise, these TOOLS get sharper and sharper, which means that they get better and better.

1. Thinking – the first big Inside-TOOL

Some people call this ‘Self-talk’ and other people call it ‘Thinking.’ It’s what you say to yourself about what’s happening to you. So, if your teacher says, “There’s a maths test on Monday” you might think, ‘Good! I can’t wait to get that over and done with’ or you might think, ‘Nooooo! I hate maths and I’m going to fail.’

Only you know what your Thinking is: no one can hear it, and no one can see it. It’s private.

But not all your thinking is the same; there are 2 types:

Supa Thinkin is positive and helpful self-talk. It gets the happy, calm juices flowing in your brain. You knew that just from the word ‘Supa’ didn’t you? You can use Supa Thinkin to help yourself - like when you don’t really want to do something - or when there’s been a small BUMP with a friend. That Supa Thinkin might sound like this:

‘It’s not that bad.’   Or   ‘It’ll be over by tomorrow.’

Stinkin Thinkin is very different; it’s negative and unhelpful self-talk. It can change your feelings and it can also change the way you behave.

Here’s an example:

Isaac stood on the line, waiting for the whistle to blow at the start of the Cross-Country race. He said to himself, ‘I haven’t done enough practise, and I’m probably going to fall over - and then everyone will laugh at me.’ Isaac felt tears in his eyes and he swallowed hard to try to stop them rolling down his face.

What sort of Thinking was Isaac using?

OR

What do you think might happen to Isaac if he keeps using Stinkin Thinkin? Yep, you’re right – well done! He’ll probably cry; he might fall over – but he certainly won’t be doing his best – all because of what he is saying to himself. Wow! What you think is so powerful.

When friendship BUMPS occur, what happens to your Thinking? Do you use Supa Thinkin or Stinkin Thinkin?

You’re going to be reminded of Supa Thinkin and Stinkin Thinkin all through this book, so how about you put a post-it-note on this page - so you can flick back to it if you need to.

2. Calming Down - The second big Inside-TOOL.

Every single person on the planet (and that’s a lot of people…like squillions) have their own emotional ‘Traffic Lights.’ Are you asking yourself what this means? Good. Keep reading.

Well, when your traffic light is green, you’re doing OK. You’re not feeling annoyed or angry, worried or sad; you’re having a good old time. But then perhaps something happens - and you feel an angry feeling creeping up inside of you. Or maybe you start to feel scared or worried. That’s when your green light has changed to the orange traffic light. It’s a warning signal for you to calm down, to pay attention to what’s around you - to know what you’re doing - and to figure out if you need to do something. If those feelings grow bigger and bigger, and become difficult to manage, then that’s like the red traffic light – a warning - to STOP!

You need to pay attention to big feelings – they always have an important message. Big feelings can change the way you behave, the choices you make - and the way you talk to people - including your family and your friends.

Everybody needs to learn what to notice when their traffic lights change colour. It’s an important INSIDE-TOOL that helps kids and adults look after themselves, watch out for BUMPS and HAZARDS, make good choices and stay safe.

Being able to calm yourself down is a terrific Inside-TOOL and it becomes sharper and sharper the more you practise -and use it.

One of the best ways to calm down is to think about your breathing: slowly in - until your lungs are full - and then slowly out – like you’re blowing a bubble. We call it ‘Bubble Breathing.’ When you do Bubble Breathing the calm juices flow through your brain, and that means your brain can:

- Think more clearly

- Make better choices

- Slow down your words and make your behaviour more safe

Ask your Mum or Dad if they know about Bubble Breathing; if they do slow deep breaths to help calm them down.

It’s really pretty amazing that each and every one of the squillions and squillions of people in the world, all have this same Inside-TOOL for calming down. Did you know that? No-one has missed out. Cool!

Outside-TOOLS

You’re going to learn some awesome Outside-TOOLS that will help you to make lots of friends, and also know what to do if any Friendship Flare Ups happen – because they do for all of us.

You’ll also learn some great TOOLS to step up and deal with those situations. They’re called funny names like The Friendliness SPICE and The Triple A’s – so you will remember them when you need them most.

They’re TOOLS that you will use through your whole life to help you to deal with all sorts of things. It’s important to have a whole bunch of different TOOLS, especially when it comes to friendships and the no-so-nice stuff that happens.

For example, you might not know how to Assert yourself when a friend does or says something you don’t like. Assert means telling your friend very calmly that you don’t like what’s happening.

It might feel a little bit scary or uncomfortable to begin with, but once you practise the TOOL a few times, it becomes easier and easier.

Ready to Roll

So, now you know enough to get going with the rest of the book. And although you know a lot already, there are so many more things that you can learn and practise too!

By the time you get to the end of this book, you’re going to be ready to roll.

So let’s get going… Ready? Set? Roll!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

Here’s something you might not know about your brain.

If a brain thinks something over and over again, it locks into cruise- control, which means it keeps thinking or doing the same thing. Now there’s many good things that your brain does in cruise-control – like knowing how to ride a bike after you’ve practised and practised.

Have you thought about how to reach out and grip a pencil today? No! Your brain has done it so many times it’s in cruise- control. Your Stinkin Thinkin can also go into cruise-control. Like when your Mum says, “Please empty the dishwasher” and you automatically think, ‘It’s not fair! I did it yesterday!’

So getting your brain into Supa Thinkin cruise-control, means teaching it to think in a certain way - over and over again - until it does it automatically.

How about asking an adult at home if you can write some Supa Thinkin sayings on your bathroom mirror – and then say them every day for a whole week. Here’s some examples:

I have lots of awesome friends

I am a good and fun friend

I can make new friends easily

I am a good listener

I have important things to say

I can play by the rules

CHAPTER 3

LET’S GET REAL

Farewell Friendship Fantasy Island

Friendship Bumps are Normal

Friendships are Important

Park Your Brain Here

FAREWELL FRIENDSHIP FANTASY ISLAND

Let’s have a ‘real’ look at what friends are, and what friends are not! Friends are people with ordinary lives - like you and me. Sometimes they wake up grumpy, they might feel unwell - or perhaps they’re worried about something they haven’t told you - and that’s why they’re not as friendly as they usually are.

It’s a very helpful thing to tell yourself that no friend is perfect, no friendship is perfect, and that you’re not always a perfect friend either. Being perfect is really, really hard work… so let’s use the word ‘real’ instead. That’s better, isn’t it? Phew!

You are a ‘real’ friend with a ‘real’ life and your friends are ‘real’ people too – with ‘real’ lives. So, pack your bags and let’s go sailing. We’re going to sail away from Friendship Fantasy Island - where it’s all sparkles and unicorns and cupcakes - and set sail for Friendship Reality Island. See you there!

Did you make it? Any sharks along the way? No? Great!

Well, welcome to Friendship Reality Island. We’re going to set up here and have a look around. Go on…settle in and get super- duper comfortable.

First of all, think about a close friend. Someone you can share secrets with and who is fun to spend time with. Is that friendship perfect? Have you had some little (or even big) fights or arguments? In this book we call those Friendship Flare Ups. More on that soon…

Let’s see if you can think up some more examples here:

Friends are...

- fun and funny

- nice to have

- kids I like

- usually great

- sometimes grumpy

- helpful

Friends can sometimes...

- make mistakes

- say the wrong thing

- be bossy

- make new friends

- make good choices

- make bad choices

Remember, friends are ordinary people like you and me. Have a think about this example - and how you might have reacted.

Dylan walked over to his usual seat next to Harry, and just as he was about to sit down, Harry told him that the seat was taken. Dylan was confused – he always sat next to Harry - and there was no one else waiting to sit down. Dylan tried to talk to Harry but he said, “Not now, alright!”

What might have caused Harry to act like that? Here are some ideas. Can you also come up with some of your own?

- He left his lunch at home and so he was feeling grumpy

- He saw you speaking to Nathan on the way into school, and he’s feeling jealous

- He kept waking up last night and he’s feeling tired

- His Dad told him off on the way to school because his bedroom was ‘like a pigsty!’

FRIENDSHIP BUMPS ARE NORMAL!

So if we accept that friends and friendships are not perfect, then we know that sometimes BUMPS happen. That’s called ‘NORMAL’ and ‘REAL.’

It’s a FOPL!

Here’s a new term for you… a ‘FOPL’. It’s a tricky one to say right, so read this carefully.

Definition: FOPL (fo-pul)

A Fact of Playground Life

1. The stuff that happens to everyone who ever played in a playground.

2. Stuff that’s just a reality of L-I-F-E.

From now on - in this book - if we think that what we’re describing is a FOPL, you’ll see the FOPL stamp.

So, a friendship BUMP is a FOPL – a Fact of Playground Life. It just is! We change - and our friends change too. Sometimes our friends feel sick, they’re tired or they want to play with someone else. It happens.

Here’s an example for you to think about:

Brian makes friends with Paul because he’s into quad- bikes. On the weekends they ride their quad-bikes behind the golf course. But then Paul joins the local soccer team, which means that he’s busy training and playing games on the weekends and also after school. Paul doesn’t have the time to go quad-biking anymore, and so he hangs out with the kids in his soccer team.

Brian might feel very worried when Paul hangs out on the soccer field at lunch. But it’s a FOPL that kids’ interests change. That doesn’t mean Brian and Paul won’t be friends; it just means that maybe they’re going to hang out with different people. So they could make plans to quad-bike together during the school holidays instead.

Do you know that your Mum and your Dad also have friendships that aren’t perfect? Their friends also get busy doing other things, forget to call and are sometimes grumpy and not in the mood. It’s true – it’s not just kids. Maybe we should call that a FOAL – a Fact of Adult Life?

FRIENDSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT

Having friends is very important. It doesn’t matter if it’s one very good friend or a group of friends. Friends help you to learn about yourself, to talk to and be interested in others, to be kind and also how to solve problems.

Being realistic (that means sensible and not living on Fantasy Island) about your friends is very important to being a happy and successful friend yourself. If you expect your friends and your friendships to be perfect, it’s going to become very difficult to deal with the FOPL’s.

If you use kind Supa Thinkin and understand that your friends are people with real lives – just like you - then you are much more likely to have fewer Friendship Flare Ups.

Being a friend takes lots and lots of skills to get right. Think about someone you know who is super friendly. What makes them such a friendly person? What do they say and how do they act, that makes you pick them out from everyone else? How do they treat others and how do you feel when you’re with them?

That’s what you’re going to learn about in the next Chapter.

See you there!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

Think about how other people would describe you as a friend. What words would they use about you?

Make a list below. Think about the awesome things (compliments, praise) - and the not-so awesome things (criticisms, complaints) they might say about you as a friend. For example you might be an awesome person at making up fun games, but a not-so-awesome person at keeping secrets.

Awesome

•

•

•

•

•

Not-so Awesome

•

•

•

•

•

Now take a green pencil and draw a circle around one of the words in the ‘Awesome’ column.

How can you do - or be - more of that?

Take a red pencil and draw a circle around one of the words in the ‘Not-so-Awesome’ column.

How can you do - or be - less of that?

CHAPTER 4

LET’S GET FRIENDLY

What Exactly is Friendliness?

The Friendliness SPICE

Unwrapping the SPICE Package

Park Your Brain Here

Being friendly is a Hero TOOL. It’s a power TOOL for getting through school and life, for feeling - and being - happy and successful.

Did you know that being friendly is lots of skills all wrapped up into one neat package? We’re going to unwrap that package and see what skills we discover.

Are you a package ripper? Or do you carefully peel off the tape to save the paper and draw out the surprise - that is, a package- saver? See if you can be a package-saver while you read about the Friendliness SPICE.

WHAT EXACTLY IS FRIENDLINESS?

Think of one word that you would use to finish this sentence.

Friends are……

Are you like most other kids? Did you say kind? It’s OK if you did – because you’re right! Kindness is an important part of friendliness.

Being friendly, however, is more than being kind. It’s also:

- Saying, “Hi” and looking friendly

- Noticing things that others are good at, try hard with, or put lots of effort into – and you tell them that

- Joining in and asking others to join in with you

- Talking about stuff that other people find interesting

- Looking interested – with your face and your body language - when they’re talking

THE FRIENDLINESS SPICE

Here’s your first Outside-TOOL – and it’s even got a funny name to help you remember all the parts. Remember, an Outside- TOOL is something you learn and get better and better at doing - by using and practising it as often as you can.

The Friendliness SPICE is a TOOL that you can use to help you to be a really friendly person.

UNWRAPPING THE SPICE PACKAGE

Smile and say, “Hello.” You might be thinking that this sounds very simple… too simple even.

You might have heard someone say that your greatest friendliness TOOL was right under your nose… and they were right. It’s that big smile of yours - so make sure you use it.

Smiling sets off some pretty amazing reactions in your brain. Did you know that? It’s true. Really, when you smile, it gets the happy juices flowing around your brain, which is fabulous – and not just for your brain either.

Saying “Hello” starts an interaction with someone – it’s sort of like asking someone to dance…but you’re not going to be jigging or twirling around the floor – you’re going to be getting to know each other.

That one little word - “Hello”- could be the first word of a friendship that lasts for years and years. Awesome! And it doesn’t have to be just one word: it can be, “Hey there” or “Hi, what’s happening?” Can you think of some other interesting ways to say hello? Here’s something that we told the adults in their book: ‘Behind every person’s face could be a new friend.’ Say that to your Mum or Dad and see what they say…

Praise is all about noticing what other people are good at or what they try hard at.

It might be that they’re good at riding horses, or that they had a big operation and they were super-brave. It might be that they’re always kind to other people.

When you praise someone, you’re telling them something very important: you’re saying that you’ve noticed something special that you admire about them. That makes them feel happy and appreciated - AND it makes you feel pretty good too.

The most important thing to remember about praise, is to mostly make it about what the person does, or how they act - and less about how they look. Why do you think we say that?

We know that if you do well at school, finish your chores or do something kind for a friend, it’s nice to be praised and appreciated. Go on, see if you can build the wall of 10 ways to praise that will help you to grow beautiful friendships.

Invite is all about you – inviting yourself into games and places where you can build friendships.

Have you ever watched kids playing a really fun game that you wanted to join in? What did you do? Did you ask to join in or did you just stand and watch? If you did ask to join in, did it sound like this: “Can I play, pleeaaassee?”

Well done for having the courage to ask, but do you know what? There’s some other Joining In Questions that work really well.

Come on, time to get some good Joining in Questions happening. Creative, inventive and interesting Joining in Questions.

Let’s make a list together. These are sure to build some positive friendliness fireworks.

- “That looks like fun. Can I join?”

- “Great game. Any room for me?”

- “Can you teach me how to play that?”

So, keep going. What other questions can you think up? Do you think you could get to 15 questions? We’re fantasmogorically certain you can. You won’t find that word in the dictionary – we made it up. What do you think it means?

What are you interested in? Football, computer games, lego, dancing…? Everyone has different things that they’re interested in, and also like to chat about. Can you imagine talking to someone who only talked about porcupines? Wow, imagine… that - could get sort of prickly…and very spikey. If that person only ever talked about porcupines, would you stay interested for very long? Do you think only talking about porcupines, puppies, popcorn or peanuts is a good way to be friendly?

Being friendly is chatting about what you’re interested in - AND about what the other person is also interested in. So have a think about what you chat about. Do you remember to ask your friends about what they’re interested in? Go on, try it, have a go at being very interested and curious about your friends – it’s an important part of the friendliness package.

Enjoying and having fun with others is a great friendliness skill, because everyone loves doing that. Some people think that we mainly communicate with our words – but did you know that they’re only a (small) part of the message we give? The tone of your voice and your body language give even more information than your words. Did you know that? It’s true.

See what you think about this example.

Tyson asked his friend to come over to his house after school. He said to his friend, “Do you want to come over today?” Tyson was feeling a bit nervous that his friend might say, “No!”, and so he wasn’t looking at his friend when he asked. He also mumbled and had his arms crossed tightly on his chest.

Do you think Tyson’s words match up with his voice and his body language?

So, Tyson was trying to be friendly with his words, but his voice and his body language weren’t warm and friendly at all. Do you think that Tyson was sending a message of ‘Enjoy’(ment)?

Try it our yourself. Say these sentences, using the different voice tones and body language.

“Would you like to play?”

Tone of voice

Body language

Mumble

Cross your arms and frown

“Would you like to play?”

Tone of voice

Body language

Angry

Clench your fists and look at your feet

“Would you like to play?”

Tone of voice

Body language

Warm and happy

Smile, chin up and shoulders back

Which one was the friendliest and showed the Enjoy of the friendliness package of SPICE?

Did you discover that the message changed when your tone of voice and body language changed?

So, here’s your challenge. Become your own detective this time. When Mum or Dad says, “Time to pack away” and you say, “Alright,” think about this:

- What is your tone of voice saying?

- What is your body language saying?

Is it really saying, “Alright, I’ll do it now” or is it saying, “Alright, I’m never going to do it!”

Project Friendship

Have a think about someone who you would describe as being a friendly person. They could be someone who’s at school, at your after-school activities - or somewhere that you visit with your family.

That person doesn’t have to be one of your friends, just someone who is friendly. What is it that makes that person friendly? What do they do and how do they do it? What do they say and how do they say it? Can you figure it out? Is it the Friendliness SPICE package of TOOLS that they’re using?

READY TO ROLL WITH SPICE

That’s it! Your very first TOOL in your Friendship Toolbox. So how about getting started tomorrow and try it out. You could even teach one of your friends about The Friendliness SPICE. Because that would be friendly and SPICEy!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

Gratitude – do you know what that word means? It’s being thankful for all the things that you get to do, that you own, for your family, your friends – for your Life!

Being grateful means taking the time to think about how lucky you are to have and do all the big and little things in your life. Grateful is the opposite of just expecting and accepting what you’ve got.

Eyes to see, legs to walk, friends to laugh with, a bed to sleep in…Wonder how many you could count?

Have you got some post-it notes at home – or paper that you can cut into smaller squares? How about being grateful about one thing every day for a whole week - and writing it down on the note paper? Do you think you could do it for a whole month?

Sometimes showing gratitude can be as simple as saying, “Thank you” for something every day. “Thanks for dinner Dad” or “Thanks for dropping me at school Mum.” Go on, challenge yourself to get grateful because…

CHAPTER 5

LET’S GET A TOOL

Sorting out Refusals to Play

Normal and Nasty Refusals

The Triple A’s 4 Refusals

Park Your Brain Here

SORTING OUT REFUSALS TO PLAY

A Refusal to join in is a FOPL isn’t it? (Do you remember that fabulous little FOPL fellow?)

A Refusal is when someone says, “No!” when you ask to join in. Play Refusals are not nice - but sometimes they will happen.

Think about it. Every time that you’ve asked to join a game, has the answer been, “Yes”? Exactly! Because we know that most kids, will get the ‘No!’ answer – sometimes –when they ask to join in a game - or to sit with a group. It’s a FOPL.

Has that happened to you? It’s definitely happened to us – and it’s probably happened to everyone you know.

There are 2 things that you need to do if you get a Play Refusal and this is them:

- Decide what sort of Refusal it is

- Decide which TOOL you can use to get past it

When someone tells you that you can’t join in, you need to make a quick decision - because that decision is going to lead you to your next Outside-TOOL (Remember, that’s a strategy you’re going to learn to do.)

Let’s think about this… There are 2 major types of Refusals to play or hangout. What do you think they might be? We think you’re going to be surprised… so turn the page and keep reading to find out.

NORMAL AND NASTY REFUSALS

Yes, there really is such a thing as a Normal Refusal to play or hang out.

If a group of kids has already started a game, and the teams are even – there might not be room for someone else. What about if the game has already started and the rules were decided before you arrived? It would be such a pain to have to start the game over - and explain the rules too. So, it makes sense not to include anyone else for both of those. It would be a ‘normal.’

Now for a Nasty Refusal Do we really need to explain what that one is? We’re sure you already know – because everyone has had one of them. We describe it as this:

- You’re being excluded for no reason

- It sounds nasty and it’s meant to hurt your feelings

- It’s meant to humiliate or embarrass you

What else would you add to that description? The great news is that you can make some choices on how to handle Nasty Refusals by using a super-sharp Outside-TOOL. Here it is:

THE TRIPLE A’S 4 REFUSALS

Maybe this is the first time you’ve seen the Triple A’s. If you’ve read the other BEST Playground Toolbox books you’ll know them already. But these might be different, so read them carefully.

Argue – let’s get this one over with first!

Arguing almost always turns nasty – especially during the Primary School years. It creates lots of bad feelings, and kids’ emotional Traffic Lights go racing from Green Light calm to Red Light angry or upset pretty quickly.

When kids Argue about not being able to join in they’re usually doing a big dollop (that’s a huge blob) of Stinkin Thinkin..and yep, you’re right, that spells D I S A S T E R.

So, Arguing is usually one of the first things that kids do when someone says, “No, you can’t play.” But instead, we want you to think about what sort of Refusal it is – Normal or Nasty - and then decide which of the other 2 Triple A’s you could use. So, Arguing – no way! Just don’t do it. Phew! That takes away one choice you have to make. So here are the other 2…and you’re going to like them.

Accept Responses:

If you receive a Normal Refusal to join in, you can use your Supa Thinkin Inside-TOOL as an Accept Response.

So, for example, if you ask to join in a skipping game at recess and there are already 2 people turning the rope and 6 people jumping, someone might say, “The game’s already full. Sorry!” And that’s where your Supa Thinkin comes in very handy!

Your Supa Thinkin might sound a little bit like this:

“Sure, maybe tomorrow!”

“I understand. If you start again, I’d love to play.”

I’ll watch from the side so I learn the rules for next time.” That’s OK. I’ll do something else.”

“Thanks for saying “No” nicely.”

You can also use your Supa Thinkin if you get a Nasty Refusal. It will help you to keep calm and look for other, better opportunities to join in.

Another choice you have is to say something out aloud that lets the group know that you understand - and that you’re not going to make a big fuss.

Here’s some great Accept responses to say out aloud:

That’s OK, I’ll play tomorrow.

I understand. It’s annoying when there are too many people. That’s OK.

I’ll just watch for now and join in the fun that way.

Can you also think up some of your own?

Assert Responses:

An Assert Response is an Outside-TOOL. It’s useful for Normal Refusals – like when the game really is full – but where the answer has been said in a nasty way. And an Assert Response also works for Nasty Refusals – when the reason is nasty and the words are also nasty.

On the very front cover of this book it says, “Smart Life Skills 4 Kids.” But actually, this is a useful skill for the rest of your whole life – when you’re an adult too - so make sure you practise it with someone at home, at school or just in front of the mirror. It goes like this…

This is what it looks like when you’re doing it:

So, what are you going to say?

Here’s a whole bunch of Assert Responses. Can you think of some more?

“Don’t be nasty!”

“There’s no need to speak to me like that.”

“Saying “No” nicely would have been enough.”

“Don’t speak to me like that!”

“I’ve changed my mind anyway!”

“That’s very rude!”

“Ouch! That’s mean!”

“See you later!”

It takes lots of courage and practise to use an Assert Response. But don’t forget, the words that you use are only part of the message. The other part is using a confident tone of voice and confident body language. Make sure that you practise and practise your Outside-TOOL until it rolls right off your tongue.

Let’s be really clear here about what an Assert Response looks like - and sounds like. It’s probably easier to show you what IT IS NOT.

An Assert Response is NOT!

1. Angry – Angry turns into aggressive - which means leaning forward, raising your voice and even threatening or blaming the other person. We know that Angry doesn’t work at all. In fact, the other person often also becomes angry– perhaps angrier even than you - which spells T R O U B L E. Nothing gets solved and people can get hurt.

2. Whiney – this means moaning and wailing, saying, “It’s not fair!” Has your Mum or Dad ever asked you not to whine? That’s for a very good reason: whining is annoying to listen to - and usually nothing is achieved.

3. Drama Llama – yes, you know what we’re talking about. This is when you exaggerate, wave your arms, use a big dramatic voice - and act like you’re in a disaster movie! Very few people take a Drama Llama seriously – in fact the other person usually does a bit of eye rolling and head shaking while thinking, ‘This is going nowhere.’

That’s a LOT of information

Have you got it all? Have you been practising as you’ve been reading? Fantastic! Remember: 2 very important things:

1. Decide what sort of Refusal it is

2. Decide how you’re going to handle it using the Triple A’s 4 Refusals TOOL. Yeah, go The Triple A’s!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

When difficult things happen in the playground – like rumours, gossip, or being excluded from games, it’s normal for kids to use Stinkin Thinkin.

It’s not so much the Stinkin Thinkin that’s bad or terrible or awful – it’s how long it goes on for - and what it might turn into.

Here’s what we know about Stinkin Thinkin that goes on, and on… and…

- It causes bad moods - and often also bad behaviour

- The more you do it, the harder it is to stop

- It causes adults to get pretty grumpy

- It becomes the cruise-control for your brain

So, this is what we suggest will help: have some things that you say to yourself that you know help you to calm down - like Supa Thinkin. Try these Supa Thinkin thoughts;

‘Nothing lasts forever’.

‘It will be better tomorrow/next week’.

‘I can stick up for myself.’

‘I have other friends.’

‘Friends aren’t perfect; they make mistakes too.’

Other fantastic calming down Inside-TOOLs are to go for a walk, do something that’s fun or do some fabulous Bubble Breathing.

Remember that super helpful little critter?

CHAPTER 6

LET’S GET FIXING

Resilience and Friendship Flare Ups

Sparks, Flames and Fires

The Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups

Park Your Brain Here

How have you settled in to Friendship Reality Island? Have you had time to have a look around? How about together, we explore it a little bit further. We’re going to start digging down into real friendships, and the real sorts of issues that can happen. Here’s some we know about, and perhaps you can also add your own:

- Friends change and sometimes their interests become different to ours

- Friends like to have other friends

- Friends can sometimes be grumpy – or even nasty

- Friends can get jealous

- Friends can be different with one group of kids than they are when they are just with you

RESILIENCE – BEING ABLE TO BOUNCE BACK

We’re going to call the tough stuff or BUMPS that happens in friendships Friendship Flare Ups. When Friendship Flare Ups happen, you need to be very resilient. Do you know what that word ‘resilient’ means? Here’s a fun definition that will help you to understand it better:

“Resilience is the happy knack of being able to bungee-jump through the pitfalls of life.” Wheee..

Andrew Fuller, Psychologist.

Everybody goes through friendship ups and downs as they travel along the Highway of their Life – ! The trick is being able to bounce back when the Friendship Flare Up gets a bit bumpy or hazardous – just like a bungee jumper!

SPARKS, FLAMES AND FIRES

One of the things that helps kids bounce back from Friendship Flare Ups is to get the Flare Up into perspective. That means deciding what level of Friendship Flare Up has happened. Here’s the different levels of Friendship Flare Ups that we’re going to talk about.

Spark

A small Friendship Flare Up that will probably just settle down if you use some Supa Thinkin, stay calm and wait for it to pass.

Flame

A medium sized Friendship Flare Up that might need managing or might settle down on its own.

Fire

A big Friendship Flare Up that is very hurtful and most definitely needs to be managed.

So, you can see that not every Friendship Flare Up is a catastrophe – that means a great BIG disaster. Sometimes it’s just a little upset, and other times it’s very serious and hurtful. If you were to treat every Flare Up the same, it would be very exhausting and dramatic – and not resilient either!

THE TRIPLE A’S 4 FRIENDSHIP FLARE UPS

More Triple A’s and they’re the same ones you saw before. Let’s have a quick reminder.

Have you ever made a campfire? If you have, you would know that a little Spark can grow very quickly into a Flame, and before you know it, you can have a raging Fire to put out. This is where your Triple A’s help you to pick just the right TOOL to help you put out the Flare Up.

Arguing – not a good choice!

Remember, arguing only creates a very bad feeling which could be difficult to come back from. We say that arguing is never the way to deal with Friendship Flare Ups. Everybody does Stinkin Thinkin when arguing is involved so just don’t do it!

Let’s get on to Accept!

Accept is a very good response to use for a Friendship Spark and sometimes even a Friendship Flame.

Some sorts of Friendship Flare Ups are going to happen - and they’re just not worth getting all worked up about – because they’re a FOPL.

This is where your handy-dandy Supa Thinkin is useful – plus remembering your calming down strategies of doing Bubble Breathing, going for a walk or doing something that’s fun. Can you think of some Supa Thinkin that would be useful to help you to deal with a Friendship Flare Up? Remember, it’s useful to say things like:

“Sometimes friends have bad days too.”

“I’ll play with someone else today.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.”

Assert is the other choice!

Assert is a very good response to a Friendship Flame or a Fire. You might even use Assert for a Spark if you don’t want it becoming an out-of-control Fire.

Remember, with Assert, you need to be feel and act . And remember how important are your , the and your . Can you have a practise right now - and see how it sounds and feels?

You might want to say some of these Assert responses out aloud:

“That’s not a nice way to talk about me.”

Leaving me out is very unkind. Please stop!

“If you have something to say about me, say it to me.”

How was it? How did you feel saying those words? Keep practising and they will get easier and easier. Well done!

When you step up and deal with Friendship Flare Ups, you develop your confidence, and you’re also telling your friends – and other kids - that you like - and deserve - to be treated well.

It’s worth a little reminder here that an Assert Response to a Friendship Flare Up is NOT

- Angry

- Whiney or

- Drama Llama

DECISIONS, DECISIONS…

So, you have some choices to make about how big the Friendship Flare Up is and then whether you are going to Accept or Assert.

Coming up next…

We haven’t spoken about the really nasty stuff that happens in friendships yet, have we?

We’re going to… next - but first, you need to do lots of practise managing Friendship Flare Ups using the Triple A’s. Well done!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

Have you heard about catastrophes? It’s when something happens that’s pretty bad, terrible and awful.

We have catastrophes in nature - like earthquakes, cyclones and bushfires.

We can also have catastrophes in friendships – like when a Friendship Fire happens. Friendship Fires can cause lots of hurt feelings, tears and angry words - and can sometimes end up in no friendship at all! We hope this hasn’t ever happened to you, but if it has, we hope you’ve now got some great TOOLS to help you if it ever happens again. Awesome!

Have a think about your friendships, and the little and big things that happen along the way. Let’s see if you can think of an example of:

Now that you know about the Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups, how would you manage those events? Would it be the same way as before you read this book - or would you do somethings differently?

Managing Friendship Flare Ups is a Smart Life Skill 4 Kids. If you practise these TOOLS now, you will have lots of happy and successful friendships as you grow up to be an adult.

CHAPTER 7

LET’S GET SERIOUS

Rumours, Gossip and Nastiness

Getting Down to Business

Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups

Park Your Brain Here

Ugghhh. Nasty friendship stuff. We’ve left it until nearly last because who wants to deal with the nasty stuff? Well, sadly it is a FOPL. Yes, you read it right. It really is a FOPL. That doesn’t mean you have to like it - but you do have to accept that at some point of your school life you might be involved in - or have to sort out - a nasty Friendship Flare Up.

RUMOURS, GOSSIP AND NASTINESS

Have you played Chinese Whispers? It’s a game where a message is passed from person to person by whispering in the next person’s ear. The message gets very, mixed up by the time it gets all the way around the circle.

This can happen in friendships too – we call it gossiping or spreading rumours. Have you heard those words before? It’s always best to keep away from spreading gossip or rumours about other people, because it ends up a little bit like Chinese Whispers. The first message usually sounds very different by the time it reaches the person it was told about - and that can cause all sort of problems.

Then there’s sneaky nastiness. The stuff that’s really hard for adults to see. Like if you go to sit with a group at recess, and everyone squashes up so there’s nowhere for you to sit. Boy! That can be embarrassing and hurtful. Or kids telling secrets behind their hands or passing notes and then pretending it didn’t happen.

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

What word have we used before, when you need to deal with a Friendship Flare Up without becoming:

- Angry

- Whiney or

- A Drama Llama?

Did you remember it? If you thought of the word Assert then you were absolutely right. Well done!

We have a very special way to Assert yourself when it comes to dealing with the super-nasty stuff in friendships.

What is the exact opposite of telling other people if you’re not happy with someone’s behaviour? That’s right. It’s talking directly to the person or the group of people that you’re not happy with. It’s telling them straight up! Does that sound a little bit scary? It’s not - if you know exactly how to do it.

STRAIGHT TALK 4 FRIENDSHIP FLARE UPS

Here’s another TOOL for your Toolbox. Is it getting full to the top? Great! This TOOL is called Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups, and it’s fantastic for any nasty stuff – like rumours, gossiping or sneaky nastiness.

Hang on – there’s even more good news! Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups works for putting out Friendship Fires, but you can also use it for Flames. Remember that Flames can grow into Fires if you’re not careful – and some Flames are best to put out straight away.

Here are the most important things to remember about Straight Talk 4 Friendship Flare Ups.

- Your words are important. Choose them carefully!

- Your tone of voice is important – stay calm!

- Your body language is important. Chin up, shoulders back, arms by your sides and looking at the person’s eyes.

How about practising right now – in front of your bathroom mirror. Do you look confident? Do you sound confident? Are your words confident? Yes? Great job!

Your next step is to practise it with someone. Maybe Mum or Dad, a brother or a sister, your dog or your rabbit? Woof, woof.

Let’s remember the Chinese Whispers at the beginning of this Chapter. Straight Talk means Chinese Whispers. Not being part of those messages where you tell a friend, who tells another friend, who tells another friend… until when it eventually gets to the person, it’s very mixed up and will probably make the nasty Friendship Flare Up even worse.

So practise, practise, practise Straight Talk out aloud - to a tree, in your head (like a movie where you’re the hero), to an adult… until you have the confidence to do it out there in the playground. Have you done it? Yes?

Now you’re ready to try it out there in the playground. Way to go!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

One of the biggest reasons kids tell us - for not doing anything - about friends who do and say nasty things is…

What would you say?

If you said being worried about losing that friend or that your other friends might not like it and then leave you out, then you’re the same as most kids.

What Straight Talk 4 Friendships really does, is to chop out everyone else who might mix up the message. Instead, you calmly APPROACH your friend, clearly DESCRIBE the problem, and then ASK ASSERTIVELY for it to STOP.

We know that sometimes friends don’t think that what they’re doing is nasty, and so if they’re told very confidently, clearly and early, they tend to stop.

Confidence is something that you communicate with your words and with your body. Go ahead and practise the Straight Talk sentence below. Say it in all the ways listed, and see how powerful Straight Talk is when you do it just right. You might try and have a practise with someone in your home too.

Say this sentence:

“I don’t like it when you talk about me like that! Please stop!”

Like this:

Angry

Whiney

Drama Llama

Straight Talk

CHAPTER 8

LET’S GET ONLINE

The Online Playground

It’s a FOIL

Managing Online Friendship Flare Ups

Park Your Brain Here

If you have read some of the other Toolbox Books 4 Kids you might have already read some of this information. There is some information about the Online Playground that is that same in each book and some information that is different.

We would LOVE you to read this section very, very carefully, even if you have read some of it before. It’s a great way to remind yourself and to refresh some of the ‘staying safe online’ behaviours that we talk about.

THE ONLINE PLAYGROUND

Cyberspace, online, the internet… have you heard these words before? We know you have – every kid knows about the internet now.

What some kids haven’t figured out though is that the online space is like a giant school playground – but without a teacher being on duty!

What would happen at school if a Duty Teacher wasn’t around? Everything could be fine for a little while, but kids might get hurt, there could be accidents because kids did silly things - and it could end up right out of control. Yikes!

Well, all of that can happen in the Online Playground too! We can have friends who are our face-to-face friends and our online friends too. We can also have people who are just our face-to- face friends or just our online friends.

Lots and lots of friendship issues start in the Online Playground. There’s many reasons for that – one of which we’ve said already - is that there are no Duty Teachers about – unless Mum or Dad is checking over your shoulder.

Lots of kids don’t like their Mum or Dad being part of their Online Playground - but we know that it helps to keep kids safe when a parent acts as the Duty Teacher.

Can you think of the other BIG reason that friendships can sometimes go a little bit wonky in the Online Playground? Think right back to the beginning of this book when we told you about everything that makes up communication. This is what the scientists tell us…

HOW YOU COMMUNICATE

That’s pretty amazing isn’t it? Only 15% of what we communicate is made up by the words we say. 55% (the biggest piece of the pie) is made up by our body language, and 30% is made up by the tone of voice we use. Wow!

Think about how you communicate in the Online Playground. It’s all just typed words and emoticons isn’t it? Even if you’re talking to someone while you play a game, you still can’t see their face and their body to help you to make better sense of their words. So you’re really only getting 15% - a tiny bit - of the actual message! It’s little wonder that things often go wrong in the Online Playground when it comes to friendships!

The last BIG reason for Friendship Flare Ups in the Online Playground is that kids aren’t face-to-face - so they get a little bit cheekier about saying mean things. That’s because they don’t have to do it right to the person’s face. It’s a bit like telling rumours or gossiping – it’s much harder to say those things right to the person.

When kids continually type mean things about you - or about other people - it’s a VERY good idea to take a screen shot and show your Mum or Dad. That’s a very useful way to stop nasty Online Playground behaviour, and if you’re not sure how to do a screen shot, ask someone to show you so you’re ready.

Kids often say to us that they’re scared that if they show their Mum or Dad what’s happening to them - or to one of their friends - in the Online Playground, they might not be allowed to play there again. It’s VERY important to ask an adult to help you if you’ve used your Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups and those nasty things keep happening! Asking an adult to help often solves problems straight away - because adults have lots of useful strategies to help their kids as they learn the rules of the Online Playground.

We’re also going to discover other ways that you can manage Online Friendship Flare Ups – so keep reading.

IT’S A FOIL

You know about a FOPL now, so we’re going to add a FOIL… a Fact of Online Life. A FOIL is much the same as a FOPL – it’s just the stuff that happens in the Online Playground. The good, the bad and the ugly stuff! It is just a simple Fact of Online Life that Friendship Flare Ups may well happen in this space, and then they need some sorting out.

Friendship Flare Ups happen in the same way online as they do face-to-face. There are Sparks, Flames and Fires, and you can deal with these in exactly the same way as before by thinking about The Triple A’s 4 Friendships. Accept, Assert and Argue.

The first thing to remember is to get rid of Argue as something you could use. It’s never useful for any Friendship Flare Ups - not even in the Online Playground.

We’re going to suggest another ‘A’ to join the Triple A’s 4 Friendship Flare Ups here – and that’s ‘Ask.’ That’s simple isn’t it? If something happens in the Online Playground - and you’ve read it as being a bit mean, then it’s best to Ask straight away. You can Ask in a very friendly way like, “Hey, it sounds like you’re a bit angry. What’s happening?”

Let’s remember that there is no tone of voice - or body language online to help you to interpret a message from a friend, so you have to Ask if you’re not sure what the words and the message they are giving you, really means.

You can also take a screenshot and Ask for help from an adult. Asking lets you gather a bit more information before imagining what you think might be being said.

When you Ask you’re also doing your Supa Thinkin a big favour, because you will probably be thinking things like:

‘I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that. I’ll just ask.’

‘It’ll be over by tomorrow. Calm down!’

‘She doesn’t usually say horrible things. I wonder what she means?’

‘I’ll just join in the next game. I’m sure they didn’t realise that I got left out.’

Of course, if you use Supa Thinkin, you’re already on the right path to Calming Down.

It’s very hard to leave the Online Playground when you start playing. You might get worried that you’ll miss out on the conversation, a joke or the start of a game. When Online Friendship Flare Ups happen, Calming Down usually means getting up, walking away, doing some bubble breathing or doing something else for a while.

Outside is a great place to have some space from the Online Playground!

MANAGING ONLINE FRIENDSHIPS

All friendships need work and maintenance. If a car didn’t get a tune up and a service from time to time, it would soon break down. Friendships are like that – little tune ups or big services are sometimes very useful for getting your friendships back onto the Highway again!

Friendships in the Online Playground are the same. If there are little Sparks – put them out early. Flames and Fires need attention too. You can manage Online Friendship Flare Ups by:

Asking what’s happening. Remember, just a friendly question to check if you’re understanding what’s been said in the right way. Asking can also be through taking a screenshot of what’s happening and Asking an adult to help you.

Accepting that your friend maybe doesn’t mean what has been typed in the way that you’ve read it. Or Accepting that your friend isn’t perfect and that what has been said is just a little thing – and it’s not important.

Asserting yourself in a confident way (that’s not angry, or whiney or Drama Llama) and asking for your friend’s online behaviour to stop. Asserting yourself can also be by sticking up for other friends who might be being talked about or excluded in the Online Playground.

We know that you already have the TOOLS to manage Friendship Flare Ups, so make sure you use them in the Online Playground too!

PARK YOUR BRAIN HERE

The Online Playground can be a very difficult place for kids to make and keep friendships. The school playground is there before school, after school and during recess and lunch. Then you get to have a little break when you go home.

Whereas the Online Playground is there ALL the time, and it can take up loads and loads of your time if you let it.

In fact, some kids find it very difficult to leave the Online Playground once they start playing. It can take over homework time, playing time, and sometimes it can even take over from face-to-face friendship time.

Remember, your brain needs you to run and jump and play to stay healthy, so make sure you do enough of that too!

Can you come up with a sensible timetable for managing your time in the Online Playground? These are some suggestions, can you add some of your own?

- Make a timetable for online time and stick to it!

- Spend half the time that you spend in the Online Playground doing homework and playing outside.

- Only play in the Online Playground after you have done 8,000 steps in your day (count these with a pedometer.)

Try and come to an arrangement with Mum and/or Dad!

You made it to the Friendship Finish Line!

Well done for getting all the way through the book and learning about, practising and using all your Friendship TOOLS.

We know that the TOOLS you’ve learned about will be useful throughout your life. That’s a bunch of awesome learning TOOLS that will last for your whole life!

Be a good friend and have good friends. Sort out Friendship Flare Ups, and if you also sometimes play in the Online Playground, do it there also.

We might even see you again in our other Playground, Classroom and Emotional Toolbox books. They’re called:

- Playground Toolbox 4 Beating Bullying & Taming Teasing

- Classroom Toolbox 4 Always Getting Things Done

- Emotional Toolbox 4 Making Me Resilient

So that’s it from us, so bye and good luck, and…

In the famous words of Kermit the Frog, “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

See you next time!

MORE BOOKS BY HELEN & CLAIRE

For Educators and Allied Health Professionals

The HIGHWAY HEROES Series

Module 1 -

Sticking Up 4 Me: Beating Bullying & Taming Teasing (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 2 -

Connecting 4 Friendships: Playground Resilience & Wisdom (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 3 -

Tricks 4 Always Getting Things Done: The Secrets of Staying-power & Grit (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

Module 4 -

Strategies 4 Managing Me: Mood Management & Resilience (Year 1-3 & Year 4-6)

A FINAL NOTE TO KIDS

Friendships are very important – from when you’re very, very little right through to when you’re old and wrinkly.

Everyone wants at least one friend that they can tell funny stories to, hear funny stories back and just be themselves with. We know that when kids have difficulties in their friendships, it can change the way they feel inside themselves.

Difficult friends are not just about fighting and arguing, sometimes they can be about feeling like you just can’t be you with that person. Maybe you act differently around that friend and it makes you feel a bit worried. Sometimes it can be that you really like that person – and they’re really mean to you – and you let them be mean because you don’t want them to not be your friend any more. But it makes you feel sad. And other times it can be that someone thinks that you’re their friend only. If you sit or play with someone else they become upset – or even mean. That can be pretty scary.

If you’re feeling sad, worried or scared about things that happen with or to your friends we would really like you to speak to an adult. Your Teacher, School, Mum, Dad – lots of adults know how to help children who are feeling big, sometimes uncomfortable emotions.

This little Notebook is a great start – you can also search for help online by using some of these words:

- Kids helpline

- Kids counselling chat

Good luck. Take great care and we’ll see you next time.

Claire & Helen.

THE BEST TOOLBOX SERIES 4 KIDS & PARENTS

This series of books for kids and parents is still growing. We know that the Notebooks in this series will help kids and parents all over the world to be happy and successful at home, in the classroom, in the playground… everywhere!

The BEST Kids’ & Parents’ Notebooks 4 Beating Bullying & Teasing help kids and parents to understand the bullying and teasing difference, sort Cool from Cruel Teasing, identify the different sorts of bullying and then deal with all of them using awesome Inside and Outside TOOLS.

The BEST Kids’ & Parents’ Notebooks 4 Fixing Friendships help kids and parents to understand the complexities of friendships during the Primary School years. Girls and boys experience a few similar and lots of very different friendship issues. Find out about these and most importantly how to manage the inevitable Friendship Flare Ups and SO much more.

Coming soon in this series:

The BEST Classroom Toolbox 4 Always Getting Things Done – Super-simple TOOLS 4 motivation, goal-planning, persistence and organisation.

The BEST Emotional Toolbox 4 Resiliently Managing Me – Moods, blow outs, big emotions… Learn awesome Inside-TOOLS to successfully manage them all.